How on Earth am I supposed to forgive someone who badly wronged me that I hate?

Hello everyone.

It feels weird how I first posted on this website for the first time as a teenager as a one-post-wonder and now here I am 13 years later as a grown man finally seeking help on here.

A lot has happened in 13 years (time has a funny way of passing). Namely, I found out last year that I have Avoidant personality disorder and Borderline personality disorder (these labels didn't feel so great to have but at least I knew what it is I have finally).

I don't know where to start. Growing up at school, I was bullied because I was more sensitive than the other kids. My dad (who I loved) wasn't the most understanding father and always wanted me to "man up", plus he was generally quite a fiery, angry person. He sadly died when I was just 10 years old.

The next few years were tough - I started secondary school but then dropped out after only a few months due to some stupid joke some girls made out me (they said I "raped" them, which was untrue and not at all feasible given I was 12 at the time - I felt too embarrassed and ashamed, prompting me to not go back to school for 2 years).

This then lead to me and my mother spending a lot of time at home together, way too much. We got dependent on each other's company, plus I had to deal with my mum saying how she wanted to just get me to the age of 18 so that then she could die.

So we go to a therapist, and she sets me on the right path to getting back into school, and also encouraging me to go out on my own and to start creating my own beliefs etc. This leads to me starting to develop as a teenager mentally, meaning that I start arguing with my mum about things (setting that aside, my mum is a bit of an odd character though I love her, and she can be incredibly spiteful about things; as a matter of fact, I had a lot of unjust treatment from her which was in some ways just as bad as my father).

So, she starts saying things like "I'm gonna get myself another man who is big and will beat you up when you talk to me like that!" etc. Some if not most of the arguments we had were instigated by her talking to me like trash for absolutely nothing. My mum never seemed to understand as a parent that as the parent she was supposed to model the good behaviour she expected from me - you cannot talk like dirt to a child/teenager without them then thinking that that kind of behaviour is acceptable - we learn from our parents after all.

Anyway, turns out she does meet a man - the bastard's name is Dave (she met him in 2011, the same year I signed up to this very forum and made my one post all those years ago). She is still with the man now even, and even though I don't live with them he causes my emotions to be disturbed because I cannot accept he is still with her.

When I first met him I thought something was off about him - but being an innocent 15 year old I gave him the benefit of the doubt. I felt like maybe he would be someone I could go to. So I ended up telling him that I hated my mum (and no, of course I didn't mean that, the same as most teenagers don't mean it - I of course meant that I hated the ugly parts of her personality, but I still loved her good parts, and of course she is my mum).

He really made a point of taking this to heart and making it ten times bigger than it was. He took my words and used them to tear me and my mother apart. She wasn't quite the same with me after that for quite a while.

Anyways, there's too much he did to make me feel uncomfortable to create a chronologically-ordered story here so I will just list some examples of things he did:

• He pushed me up against a wall when I was 18 which was inappropriate and uncalled for given that he isn't my father and isn't even married to my mother
• He often spoke to me in a rude way, thinking that he could use his authority as an adult any way he pleased
• Mum more or less told me that he was interested in what he could inherit from her in the event of her untimely death - just shows what some of his true motivations were if you ask me
• During the pandemic he made threats about snapping my neck right in front of my mum and she still stayed with him
• He is generally a control freak and gets bugged by whatever I do when I stay at my mums (which is now and seldom for me, I am rather independent unlike most people my age who still live with parents)
• The bastard has taken my mum away from me and I feel like I will never fully have her back in some way - she always manages to slip a mention of his name in on the phone
• He is manipulative and it is gravely irritating how my mother can't even ****ing see it - "love is blind" as they say

There's plenty more examples and events I could mention, but they have all either gone to mush due to the passage of time or there's too many to mention - I hope it gives you guys an idea of what I have to deal with. The crazy thing is that I have been living 6,000 miles away from them for 2 and a half years but he still bothers me and I really don't know how to let it go.

Even despite the fact I haven't spoken to him for so long, he causes me stress on a near daily basis. I have emotional disturbances, feelings of wanting to kill him, beat him up; I even punch my pillows a lot and have destroyed a cuddly toy I had in pure rage and no matter what I do I can't let it go. I am still having therapy that I pay for but even they are running out of things to say to me to make it all go away.

So... how the hell do I let this go? Please please help me guys, thank you.

(Just to be sure I won't be having any cops descending from helicopters near my position, no I do not intend to harm myself or others at this time.)

You need a therapist to deal with your feelings about this person.

Your mother is an adult who can make her own decisions.

If you wish to see your mother, invite her somewhere alone when you’re in town. If she isn’t going to agree to not invite him, you will not be seeing her anymore. Do not plan to stay with her when you come to town.