Overbearing mother wants to be invited over

My mom can be really overbearing. I am approaching my late 30's. She will ask about how I am keeping up with the garden and my household. It is generally clean (I clean regularly), but at times "lived-in" when life gets busy, and I never had a significant problem with clutter. I admit I am terrible at gardening and would like to be better. Other people have said the house looks good, but when my mom came over last, she said it looked horrible and shamed me. I was not prepared for her to come over and did not get to tidy up.

Ever since, I have been hesitant to have her over. It has been almost a year. I still see her, just not at my house. She said she expects an invitation and for my grandmother to see the house. My boyfriend now lives with me, and she will find a way to say he does not do enough to help with the house and has been critical of my relationship in that way. When she starts to get that way, I hang up the phone on her and tell her not to cross boundaries. She never listens.

I battle with feeling I should live up to her standards, but it is impossible for me to do so. I struggle with depression and working a demanding job. Sometimes that gets in the way of being able to keep up with things as much as I would like, and same goes for my partner.

I am wondering if I should continue to delay her coming over. She brought it up to me again today. By having her over, I think I'll be putting myself in a position where this can lead to problems with my mother and her trying to get in the way of my relationship. Her criticism and the argument we had last time she was over affected me a great deal.

Any help, support, or feedback is appreciated. Thanks

Do you ever access to paid help? A cleaning service?

Never tried that before. I have considered paying someone to help with the garden. I can consider that

And a cleaning lady or a cleaning service the day or two before the visit from important guests. That is what I do. I cannot afford regular cleaning help but do pay before guests come. It also forces me to declutter and tidy up before the cleaning lady comes. last time she came, I had spent literally the day before tidying up and organizing my space (a 2-bdr unit with 1 bathroom and a patio set up for eating). She actually was amazed when she came at how organized everything was.

Also, I asked her to clean my fridge and organize everything in it the way she saw fit. I came home and took photos of where she put things in the fridge and since then have been referring to those photos, keeping things arranged as she did. It really helps to tame the chaos.

I am by nature a disorganized person but I have been getting far better in the last several years and am basically finding that tidying up and staying organized is a learnable set of skills.

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With the garden, yes, if you cannot afford it, it will help. And with your own sanity, too. And your own sanity is super important.

Thank you. I have to get used to saying it is ok to ask for help in areas where I have a hard time. I guess due to my upbringing, the pressure has always been on me to keep up with everything. It gets to be too much.

You work hard and are entitled to get paid help, to outsource some of the tasks. You do not have to do it all alone.