Overbearing mother wants to be invited over

My mom can be really overbearing. I am approaching my late 30's. She will ask about how I am keeping up with the garden and my household. It is generally clean (I clean regularly), but at times "lived-in" when life gets busy, and I never had a significant problem with clutter. I admit I am terrible at gardening and would like to be better. Other people have said the house looks good, but when my mom came over last, she said it looked horrible and shamed me. I was not prepared for her to come over and did not get to tidy up.

Ever since, I have been hesitant to have her over. It has been almost a year. I still see her, just not at my house. She said she expects an invitation and for my grandmother to see the house. My boyfriend now lives with me, and she will find a way to say he does not do enough to help with the house and has been critical of my relationship in that way. When she starts to get that way, I hang up the phone on her and tell her not to cross boundaries. She never listens.

I battle with feeling I should live up to her standards, but it is impossible for me to do so. I struggle with depression and working a demanding job. Sometimes that gets in the way of being able to keep up with things as much as I would like, and same goes for my partner.

I am wondering if I should continue to delay her coming over. She brought it up to me again today. By having her over, I think I'll be putting myself in a position where this can lead to problems with my mother and her trying to get in the way of my relationship. Her criticism and the argument we had last time she was over affected me a great deal.

Any help, support, or feedback is appreciated. Thanks

Do you ever access to paid help? A cleaning service?

Never tried that before. I have considered paying someone to help with the garden. I can consider that

And a cleaning lady or a cleaning service the day or two before the visit from important guests. That is what I do. I cannot afford regular cleaning help but do pay before guests come. It also forces me to declutter and tidy up before the cleaning lady comes. last time she came, I had spent literally the day before tidying up and organizing my space (a 2-bdr unit with 1 bathroom and a patio set up for eating). She actually was amazed when she came at how organized everything was.

Also, I asked her to clean my fridge and organize everything in it the way she saw fit. I came home and took photos of where she put things in the fridge and since then have been referring to those photos, keeping things arranged as she did. It really helps to tame the chaos.

I am by nature a disorganized person but I have been getting far better in the last several years and am basically finding that tidying up and staying organized is a learnable set of skills.

***

With the garden, yes, if you cannot afford it, it will help. And with your own sanity, too. And your own sanity is super important.

Thank you. I have to get used to saying it is ok to ask for help in areas where I have a hard time. I guess due to my upbringing, the pressure has always been on me to keep up with everything. It gets to be too much.

You work hard and are entitled to get paid help, to outsource some of the tasks. You do not have to do it all alone.

You really have three options here. Don’t invite her over. Invite but clean prior. Invite but don’t clean. Choose whatever option makes you less stressed. That’s what I do when not sure what to do. What’s less aggravating?

First of all, I really wish I could talk to your mother. I can’t imagine criticizing my daughters housekeeping. She’ll bite my head off. I’d not dare lol I am sorry you have to deal with this nonsense.

Second of all, I agree with others about cleaning service. My daughter and son in law have somebody every other week. My daughter is very messy by nature. And my son in law can’t do it all so she always had cleaning service when she was single and now. That’s the only way. Their cleaning lady is no nonsense. The best.

I have to add that although I don’t criticize my daughter, I habitually clean when I am in their house, out of habit. She was offended on a few occasions but mostly she’s good with it, mainly because my son in law appreciates it and I don’t make a fuss. But they live far so it’s not a regular visit.

Listen, I don’t do any gardening. Whatever you do is more than what I do.

Let us know what you decide?

I would suggest a drastic move - break communications with your mother. It does not mean you don't love her anymore. But she is outright toxic and, most probably, should seek psychiatric help.
I am 38 and I've had so much trauma from parents, I still can't get to the bottom of it. This behaviour is too familiar.

You only have to live up to your own standards, not your mother's. Don't spend 3 seconds worrying about whether your house and yard are clean enough to suit her. There's no law saying you have to have a nice garden. Mom gets to run her household as she sees fit. You are the boss of your home, not her. I hate to say this, but it may be that the less you see of your mom, the happier you'll be.

Ignore her standards!

This is a battle you can never win. People can always find something to criticize if that is their goal. If she wants to put you down, instead of support and encourage you, she will, no matter what you do.

If you want to get a cleaning person because YOU want one, great! If you are doing it just for her, my advice is don't do it. You will feel much better when you are free of her expectations.

I don't garden much either. Life still goes on. 🙂

Remember This ...

Mother Is Only One Letter Away From Smother ...

DON'T LET HER SMOTHER YOU!

I understand your struggles; it sounds like you have a really difficult relationship with your mother. My own experiences with my parents were very harsh, which led me to cut off all communication. I miss her, but I will never miss her hate.
Parents are just people, they are wrong, and they can be great or awful. They can ruin your life, like they can ruin a life of every other person, but they can do it very painful because you love them... And despite we have connections like relatives, some connections are better cut out.
You have your own family and standards, and you are not dependent on your mother.