being upfront and honest with a friend

I have this old friend. She is absolutely crazy about activity A (it does not matter what the activity is so I will use cryptic language).

She has invited me to her meetups where she conducts activity A with people. Over the years, I have gone twice. Probably once ten years ago and once this year. I found the activity very boring and it does not engage me, even though in general this is supposed to be a very engaging activity. But, not for me.

In 2022, while away on business, I went with my team to a professional performance of activity A. It was mind blowing. But when two years later I went, again, to the amateur meet-up in activity A led by my friend, I was bored. I would be interested in going to a professional performance again if it were offered in my area, perhaps with my friend, but I do not want any amateur meetups.

My adult son who knows this friend, and with whom I shared this, understands my POV and would also find activity A boring even though it is supposed to be spectacular and amazing. So I am not alone.

Last time I emailed this friend was in August. It was about some mutual connection of ours. The friend, once again, invited me to her weekly meetup. I said that I was busy because I was doing a big home / Public Storage organization project. It was true, but the project is approaching completion and I still do not want to go to the (boring for me, exciting for her) meetup but want to do other things with her. I find her lovely and cherish the length of my knowing her and she is one of the few friends who also lives very close to me, and I would like to visit or have her over at my place or do something else but no more meetups, thank you.

I have been thinking about it today while driving and the only solution I see is to tell her upfront, honestly, that I do not enjoy activity A at all. But, would like to do other things with her. Such as having her over at my soon to be perfectly organized apartment.

I am not used to being upfront in a negative way and as I was growing up, I received a lot of "training" in white lies and making people feel good about themselves for the sake of social cohesion and good manners. But at this point this training does not serve me well and I would like to try being upfront in this otherwise very safe, minor situation. I think this will help me find a way to socialize with my friend without internally yawning from boredom AND develop some useful skills to supplement the deep seated reliance on white lies.

Ideas how to approach this situation?

But you DO enjoy activity A when performed on a professional basis, just not at an amateur level. I would hope she would welcome hearing about your good experience. Bowling? Theatre? Origami?

I would like bowling. I will offer it to her. Theatre, I have invited her a few times but she would always be busy. I will try again though, and with giving her more of a lead time. Origami, I have not considered but why not??

So you would suggest that I share with her my good experience seeing activity A on a professional level, but also mention that I do not want to go to her meetups?

“Sorry I really don’t want to go to the meetup but I miss hanging out with you. Would you have time and be open to going to XYZ or doing XYZ with me?”

I’d not tell her that her activity is boring for you or that you saw a better event. It doesn’t even matter that you and someone else find activity boring but others enjoy it. There doesn’t need to be a particular reason not to do something like this.

Google "Radical Candor". It's what you're seeking and is essentially what others advice here.

I was trying to guess what the activity was, bowling etc. Things i find exciting done well, but that can get tedious.

I would be honest, because this is your truth. Friends are typically able to appreciate that they may not share similar interests and that this is okay.

Suggest something else you could do with her that you *both* enjoy.

Oh! I did not get that. I thought those were candidates, alternatives.

"Radical candor" is a new term for me but about 11 years ago I encountered references to "radical honesty" which seems similar. I will look up "radical candor".

I think what Divine suggests is not radical candor, though, because she includes "I’d not tell her that her activity is boring for you or that you saw a better event. " and I do appreciate these pointers as they soften the message. So candor, yes, but maybe not quite as radical.

I want to apologise for wording my suggestion in such a way. I trust you to be much smarter than any abstract concept. I actually wanted to share new concept that can be a basis for modern positive social interaction. Common sense and true feelings will win over any abstract concept every time.

For me, the thought process of applying this principle is more like this. I want to improve system of me, my friend and our interaction. I don't want to hurt my friend. I don't want to lie or do anything, that may harm our relationship in strategic(long) perspective, even if it brings immediate gains. So, I want to find and tell a truth, that will shift our common activities, but wont hurt my friend feelings. Providing alternative instead of criticizing is one of the things "Radical Candor" proposes to do (well, it's actually a common sense - but I wish it was actually common).

The final conversation hugely depends on the other person and our relationship. It may even be inviting my friend to an activity preemptively, before said friend has a chance to invite myself somewhere. Maybe, even using same exact time spot my friend usually uses for his/her usual activity. (this may be risky strategy in your case).

Well, it's a lot of rant. I feel that my mind is not that clear right now. I hope I may have been helpful somewhere.
I wish you to enhance your relationship with your friend and have a happy life!

This clarifies a lot and is a very helpful framework. I will report back after I actually choose the words and strategy to use with my friend.