Unsure…

I’m not sure where the most appropriate spot would be for my question, but since it involves a relationship, I figured here might work 🤷🏻*♀️

I’ve been involved with this man since Nov 2015. It started out as a clear “fwb” situation. I developed feelings which complicated things. I tried to end the relationship, but each time I attempted… he suddenly became very attentive and I’d ultimately continue seeing him. Throughout though, he would stress we are NOT in a “relationship” and “are just having fun”. However, each time I’d try to end it, he would say how much he cared about me. Over the years, he has been involved with multiple other women… and I have been involved with no one but him. Any time I don’t respond to a message quick enough or if I tell him “no” for any reason, he will go on and on and on with comments about how I “must be busy giving it up” to “everyone except” him 🙄 Every single message I receive is quickly turned into something sexual… I honestly can’t recall having an actual every day conversation in all these years. Any time I bring up that I want more from someone relationship wise, he talks over me to repeatedly call me ‘negative’ and tells me I should “just appreciate what you have”. Now, I’m not dumb… I know he is manipulating me to get what he wants (sex). I also understand I “allow” it by giving in and doing what he wants— and then feel like ***** about myself. However…every time I say it’s over, he goes on and on about how he cares about me… and I feel so confused because why would he stay this long if he didn’t care? But maybe I’m just delusional because I *want* him to care 🤷🏻*♀️

I need outside perspective! Please be very blunt because I do not read ‘hints’ well, at all 😅

He doesn’t “care” enough. You have wasted 9 years of your life here. Stop communicating, block, delete, no contact, change your number, whatever you need to do.

All these years you could have found someone whose values matched yours. You somehow need to start thinking of this person as harmful.

I used to see someone similar years ago and he said “can’t we be friends?” And my reply to him was “ how much would I have to hate myself to want a friend like you?”

Blocked. Deleted.

This is a guy who wants to have his cake and eat it too. He hit the jackpot when he met you. For 8 years he's had things exactly as he wants. Of course, he doesn't want this arrangement to end. You fell in love. It's possible that he did too, but he'ld rather exploit you than love you. After all these years, he is not going to change. In his mind, you are there to be used. He considers himself virtuous because he warned you not to expect more. He's not in this just for sex. Sex is not that hard for someone like him to find. Sex with you is extra wonderful because he knows you love him. That's why he keeps coming back. He has you exclusively to himself, while he remains free to pursue anyone, anytime, anywhere.

I feel for you because I spent 4 years doing what you're doing. Exactly like you, I would tell him I couldn't take it anymore and I'ld tell him it was over. He'ld stay away for for weeks and then show up at my door. Each time I would take him back. I just didn't have the will power to stick to my decision. I was lonely. I felt that what I got from him was better than nothing. It only ended when I moved to another state. After I was gone for a year, he called me up and said he wanted us to live together and maybe get married. He clearly missed me very much. Lucky for me, the spell was broken. Moving had freed me. No way would I go back.

Your "friend" is not ever going to show you some mercy and leave you alone. Even if he got married to someone else, he'ld still come around to see you to "have some fun." He'll figure, "Why not?" He knows good and well that you "have feelings" for him. That's part of what keeps him coming back. He enjoys you caring for him. He wants that. This is why he gets jealous and angry, when you are not available to him. But he will never, ever reciprocate your affection, except to give you just enough attention to keep you hanging on. You will remain starved for love. It's an awful way for you to keep living. Your only salvation is to stop this completely. I do understand how hard that would be for you. I've been there.