Unsure…

I’m not sure where the most appropriate spot would be for my question, but since it involves a relationship, I figured here might work 🤷🏻*♀️

I’ve been involved with this man since Nov 2015. It started out as a clear “fwb” situation. I developed feelings which complicated things. I tried to end the relationship, but each time I attempted… he suddenly became very attentive and I’d ultimately continue seeing him. Throughout though, he would stress we are NOT in a “relationship” and “are just having fun”. However, each time I’d try to end it, he would say how much he cared about me. Over the years, he has been involved with multiple other women… and I have been involved with no one but him. Any time I don’t respond to a message quick enough or if I tell him “no” for any reason, he will go on and on and on with comments about how I “must be busy giving it up” to “everyone except” him 🙄 Every single message I receive is quickly turned into something sexual… I honestly can’t recall having an actual every day conversation in all these years. Any time I bring up that I want more from someone relationship wise, he talks over me to repeatedly call me ‘negative’ and tells me I should “just appreciate what you have”. Now, I’m not dumb… I know he is manipulating me to get what he wants (sex). I also understand I “allow” it by giving in and doing what he wants— and then feel like ***** about myself. However…every time I say it’s over, he goes on and on about how he cares about me… and I feel so confused because why would he stay this long if he didn’t care? But maybe I’m just delusional because I *want* him to care 🤷🏻*♀️

I need outside perspective! Please be very blunt because I do not read ‘hints’ well, at all 😅

He doesn’t “care” enough. You have wasted 9 years of your life here. Stop communicating, block, delete, no contact, change your number, whatever you need to do.

All these years you could have found someone whose values matched yours. You somehow need to start thinking of this person as harmful.

I used to see someone similar years ago and he said “can’t we be friends?” And my reply to him was “ how much would I have to hate myself to want a friend like you?”

Blocked. Deleted.

This is a guy who wants to have his cake and eat it too. He hit the jackpot when he met you. For 8 years he's had things exactly as he wants. Of course, he doesn't want this arrangement to end. You fell in love. It's possible that he did too, but he'ld rather exploit you than love you. After all these years, he is not going to change. In his mind, you are there to be used. He considers himself virtuous because he warned you not to expect more. He's not in this just for sex. Sex is not that hard for someone like him to find. Sex with you is extra wonderful because he knows you love him. That's why he keeps coming back. He has you exclusively to himself, while he remains free to pursue anyone, anytime, anywhere.

I feel for you because I spent 4 years doing what you're doing. Exactly like you, I would tell him I couldn't take it anymore and I'ld tell him it was over. He'ld stay away for for weeks and then show up at my door. Each time I would take him back. I just didn't have the will power to stick to my decision. I was lonely. I felt that what I got from him was better than nothing. It only ended when I moved to another state. After I was gone for a year, he called me up and said he wanted us to live together and maybe get married. He clearly missed me very much. Lucky for me, the spell was broken. Moving had freed me. No way would I go back.

Your "friend" is not ever going to show you some mercy and leave you alone. Even if he got married to someone else, he'ld still come around to see you to "have some fun." He'll figure, "Why not?" He knows good and well that you "have feelings" for him. That's part of what keeps him coming back. He enjoys you caring for him. He wants that. This is why he gets jealous and angry, when you are not available to him. But he will never, ever reciprocate your affection, except to give you just enough attention to keep you hanging on. You will remain starved for love. It's an awful way for you to keep living. Your only salvation is to stop this completely. I do understand how hard that would be for you. I've been there.

Please do not stay with someone like this, who won’t commit to you. I know that it started off as “fwb” relationship for 9 years now, but if he still doesn’t want to fully be in a committed relationship with you, it’s best for you to leave him. I know it must be hard for you, as you started to really fall in love with him. But he still just wants to string you along. Please don’t waste your youth and love on someone who can’t love you completely. The only option he’s ever going to give you is just “fwb”. If you choose that option then you cannot ever expect him to love you 100%.

Because, if he really wanted to, he would have already. I know my words are very harsh to you, and it breaks my heart to say these words to you. But, as someone who has recently lost 20 years to a guy who wasn’t worthy, I pray you won’t have to waste decades on someone who can’t love you fully. Please let him go and find someone who can be on the same level of love as you. I’m sure he cares for you, but not enough to be devoted to you. I hope you can find someone else, that can truly love you. So you can get the love you that you deserve. Sending you love and strength.

Please show yourself far more self respect and cut ties with this user and abuser. He is using and abusing you, he is manipulating and gaslighting you. You are not being treated well, and you need to have more self love and self respect to not only see this 100% objectively and clearly, but to have the courage, strength, and wisdom to walk away and NOW. You are not gaining from this, instead he is taking from you. He is lowering your self esteem and self worth. And you are allowing this to happen, as you stated and are well aware. You also have the power to also stop it. Don't listen to his nonsense. You are buying into his lies and manipulations. You are falling for them hook, line, and sinker. Don't listen to his words; instead, objectively evaluate his actions. And his actions are not ones of love and true caring. He is a jerk, and you deserve far better. Please leave him.

Erm, care?? He is having his cake and eating it, so of course he would keep coming back for more. This is wildly different than true, actual, 'care'.

The only one he seems to care about is him and his carnal needs. And you, merely the object to satisfy his lust. Is that the relationship you want to pursue and cultivate?

The ball is in your court: see him for who he is *not* the fantasy or hope you are building up in your head. Your choice.

I have re-read your post after several people have replied and upon the second reading noticed how incredibly tentative you sound. You TRY to end it. You SAY it's over. You need to act matter-of-factly and decisively. Over means over and does not invite any input from him, such as his repeated lame attempts at convincing you that he cares.

I concur with Rose - he is not using you for sex as sex is easy to get elsewhere. He is using you for the advantage he has being with a woman who cares very much for him while he doesn't reciprocate her feelings. He is very clear about it because he calls it fun. For him, it is indeed fun. For you, it is emotional pain and for him, it is fun.

If it is difficult for you to make a decisive move, change your environment to promote the desired behavior. If he has a key to your home, change the lock: if you communicate via a messaging app, block his account. If you respond well to ritualistic cues, collect the mementos of the relationship, if any, and get rid of them. Fill your calendar with events during the times you would typically see him: you can go to the library, for a walk, take a class, attend a meetup, volunteer, meet an acquaintance for coffee, anything as long as it takes you out of the home where you used to have those painful rendezvous with him.