Closure

You do not have the power to draw boundaries. She is very clear about what she demands and you have no bargaining power to change that. Unless perhaps you are the one cooking their meals and then your labor and time expenditure gives you some bargaining power. But my understanding is that she is the one cooking and it is with their money that the food is being puchased. No?

No, I buy my own food (contribute to grocery) and my own necessities. And she does the cooking, but I do the dishwashing daily after meals. And I also clean up around the house. I tried to cook for them, but they don’t like my cooking so I gave up. I just have to put up with them, till I save up enough to leave.

I knew I wasn’t able to leave just yet, that’s why I came here on this forum. I was looking for a way that I could ignore the my abuser. When I first got here, I just heard of the gray rock method, so I didn’t know how it would work. That’s why I asked people here if they thought it would work. I’m glad I came here for support because I was going crazy. I had no one to tell my problems to I tried reaching out to my family members, but they would tell me just to ignore him.

Im thankful everyone has helped me a lot. You’ve have taught me meditation and the flower workshop idea. Without you guys, I wouldn’t have anyone to talk to about this. I’ve been suffering alone for the last five months. The only time I can talk to anyone is when I’m talking to my therapist. I felt the weight lifted off my shoulder since I’ve been here. Because I was able to connect with people, who were able to know what I was going through. And help me find solutions.

That is what I was saying in my earlier post: you keep asking permission, you beg her, you plead with her, you complain how it is unfair... this is how a child would behave. You have given away all your power.

What I am saying is you inform her (you do not ask, you do not beg, you do not plead) that you will remove yourself IF you are abused. Period. Whether she likes it or not is irrelevant. Whether she excuses brother's abuse or not is irrelevant. You tell her: I agreed to eat with you, I did not and do not agree to being abused. THEN you follow through.

As for her not letting you, how can she force you? You are an adult. You choose. You remove yourself.

I have left before during a argument, I told her I do not want to suffer this abuse anymore. I told her I won’t put up with him if he treats me this way. I will eat in my room. When I left the room she followed me. She told me straight up that I must stay and eat with them. It doesn’t matter if he argues with me, just ignore him. If I don’t eat with them I have to move. They think I’m trying to be antisocial, not bonding with the other family members. Makes them uncomfortable. They don’t care that I am getting yelled at. They are used to it, so I too have to get used to it by ignoring him.There is no negotiation. I can’t express to you how much I mean “by I’m not allowed to not eat with them”. I know this sounds bizarre but I have no other choice, if I don’t agree then I have to move. I DONT want to be homeless. 😔

Eternal Love does not have the ability to influence her SIL in that matter unless she is prepared to move out. She is not because she has not yet saved up enough money. The whole family is used to outbursts and expect her to not pay attention to them similarly to how they themselves ignore them. The SIL's expectation (and rule) is that bonding over food happens among people other than her husband and despite anything her husband does or says. It may seem unfair but it is what it is. It is not a bendable rule. She is very clear about it.

Unfortunately making a decision to live in his place and not be married kind of backfired because after 20 years you surely would be entitled to a half of everything plus likely alimony. Living in his place with zero rights and no independence left you homeless. Well you can’t turn back time but you can start path to independence now. I know you don’t answer questions about job or income or disability but they can only make you eat with them if you are at home. They can’t if you are at work

I will try to make better decisions in the future. And I will try my best to just ignore him. Thanks for commenting. Have a nice day. ☺️

Eternal Love,

Here is a link to a free introduction to self-compassion session from Kristin Neff.

Join an event that supports your self-compassion journey - Self-Compassion

Thank you so much for your help. Have a lovely day/night. 🩵