Closure

I was with my ex for almost 20 year (engaged the last 7 years). Three days after major surgery, he had his mom come to care for me. He then went overseas and married a girl (27 years younger than him), that he has been dating for 1 yr and 2 mths, behind my back. I found out about his cheating about 5 mths before my surgery. But, because I was in a abusive relationship with him, I had to wait till he was gone to leave. So even though it was against medical advice to fly to another state (1 week and 5 days after surgery), I gathered my strength and left while he was not home. I left on his wedding day, that way I was sure he would’nt be home, so there wouldn’t be any type of altercation.

My family member flew to help me leave. I called him a few times but he never answered the phone. So I texted him asking him to apologize for hurting me. And to please give me closure so that I can move on. I messaged him twice about it. He would answer texts about my dog and my belongings etc. However, never anything about our relationship. I’m am devastated I spent 20 years with him, yet I can’t even get a apology. Makes me few so worthless that my love and my youth meant nothing to him.

Has anyone here moved out without closure? If so can you give me tips to move on without closure from him. I am so sad and devastated, I no longer can see my pet of 6 years. And because I had to sneak out to leave, I never got to say bye to dog at all. I would appreciate any type of help, if you have any advice on how I can let go without closure. Thanks for helping.

Welcome to this site, @Eternal Love!

I'm so sorry that you went through that ... Earth shattering experience. I don't have any tips or advice to share right now.

I wonder if you live in a state that recognizes common law marriage. After living together that long, perhaps you have a legal justification for taking some sort of action.

Also, I wonder how well you get along with his mother. It's possible that she feels awful about what he did. If so she might provide a bit of comfort.

Hopefully, others will join the thread.

Thank you for replying, the state we lived does not recognize common law marriage. His mom was always hot and cold with me. And I think his mom knew about his new wife. The reason I know this is because the time he went on vacation to another country with his mom, he also met up with his new wife. I know this because they got a locket engraved, with the date that he was traveling with his mom.

I called her to tell her I’m leaving him on the airplane (I snuck out she had no clue I was gone), told her today he was getting married. She didn’t sound too surprised at all.

After I left she only messaged me once. She texted me one at 3am, asking me how I’m doing. I replied the next morning, that I was in a lot of pain and I can’t believe after 20 years her son married someone else. And that I was sad he never even apologized. She never responded to my text. Also, she never once asked about my health, while I was recovering from major surgery. I thought that was very cold. Honestly, she’s always defending him even if he’s wrong.

Along time ago, before I moved in with him he cheated on me. During a holiday visit at his apartment, a few week after the affair, I opened up to her to tell her his cheated on me. I couldn’t believe her response, she said I don’t want to hear this stuff. Why did you even effing bring this up, she said it makes her uncomfortable to be put into our relationship. But, I thought since I've known her for at least 12 years at that time, and she was a woman too, that she was comfort me. Nope, turns out she got mad. I said this stuff in front of her and my ex, but he denied it said it was his friend.

But I had solid proof, as I spoke to that person on speakerphone, in the car with my ex. My ex kept trying to hang up, but that person called back, at least ten times to argue with me. There’s no friend” would do something like that. What friend would yell at someone girlfriend and make them cry? I cried in every phone call, they made to his phone. He was driving so he kept trying to the phone from me. But I kept fighting him to get the phone back, because I wanted to hear the truth about their relationship. Like how long has this been going on etc. That person was so sick in the head, that even told me about their sexual relations. I wanted to throw up, it was horrifying.

But I tried to forgive him and we worked through it. As far as I know after that, when we moved in together (6 years) and he didn’t cheat again. Until last March he went on a golfing with his friends, to another country that he meet his new wife. They met in March of 2023, started dating immediately, then got married in May of this year. Exactly 1 year and 2 mths together. I found out he was cheating as he started traveling a lot to another country. He started verbally abusing me and stopped eating dinner with me. I had a strong intuition something was wrong. While he was gone I searched his closet, there I found proof. I saw proof of photos, letters and trinkets he hide in his closet. And a few days before he left, I have also seen a copy of their marriage license, and pictures of their wedding rings.

Horrible. But you knew, deep down, that it would not end well. You probably did not expect he would marry a girl 27 years younger than he is, but you knew this would not end well, because why would one be engaged for 7 (!!!) years? People are engaged for what, 1 year, all the while they planning their wedding. Maybe a couple of years, but not 7. And you had been with him for so long prior to the engagement. And you yourself said that you were in an abusive relationship with him. So, clearly, even without ultimately marrying that girl, he mistreated you. He mistreated you so badly that you were afraid of an altercation and worked around that fear by leaving exactly on his wedding day.

So he mistreated you, probably he would string you along, he caused you to live in fear of altercations (or worse), and... you now expect an apology from him? An apology for hurting you? And you expect that to be a.... heartfelt apology? But had he actually cared not to hurt you, he would not have done those things to you in the first place. Would not have caused you to live in fear of altercations, for instance. Would have separated from you earlier and in a kinder way when he figured out he would be going off with that girl overseas. Would not have been stringing you alone, something you now resent so bitterly because your youth was wasted.

For this reason, a heartfelt apology is not possible, is not forthcoming, and a token apology would not be enough for you. You would definitely be able to tell a heartfelt apology and a token apology apart.

So there is nothing he can do that would make you feel any better now. Your loss is huge: you wasted your youth, and, on top of that, you are saying that you loved him, so your love went unappreciated. And then the dog. With the dog, maybe his mother can mediate an agreement between you and him. At least he is communicative via text about the dog, so there, not all is lost.

You wrote that you want him to please give you closure so that you can move on.


You do not depend on him for moving on. I think you need to examine why you stayed in a dead end relationship for so long, wasting years. The relationship was obviously dead end. Did you not see it? Did you deceive yourself, trying to avoid seeing the obvious, the red flags? You chose Eternal Love for your name on this forum, so did you say for so long because you loved him and only him all your adult life?

People can live long these days and it is possible to form relationships during later years. But you need to separate from the man inside your psyche before you can go on to form better relationships than that one. It will take time, the process will be painful, but it is possible, and you do not need his OK for you to move on.

Regarding getting closure, most people do not get it. So you are not at all alone. Getting closure is an exception, not the rule.

Eternal Love is just a song that I like, that is all it means. I’m not into fairytales, or has my head in the clouds. I know for a fact not everyone’s relationships will last forever. I know that only people who are truly blessed end up with good lifelong partners. And I only wanted closure, because I guess I wanted to feel, at least through all that I’ve been through with him, I wasn’t with a person who was 100% heartless. That there’s a little part of him that feels bad. I would 100% be at peace if he had apologized. I would have said to myself, okay it’s seems that after everything we went through, we weren’t meant to be. But at least he felt bad about it. But because he wont apologize, it makes me feel as if I was in a relationship, with a 100% heartless person that really never cared for me. Like I was with a complete monster. I know none of this makes sense to you. And that’s okay. Usually people from the outside, cannot understand how someone else feels, unless they are in the almost same type of relationship. I want to thank you for taking time to reply, and sharing your insights with me. I want you to know, that some of the things you said really resonated with me. I will keep your words in mind as I try to move on.

And we were engaged for a long time, because for some reason I couldn’t marry him. Because of trust issues with him. He pressured me for so many years to marry. Even to the point he bought a suit just for that occasion. But I rather just stay as his partner, instead of being married to him.

Have a nice weekend.

Oh, I see. So it wasn't he who wouldn't marry you.

What emerges from your posts is that you consistently have good intuition but you do not trust your own judgment and act contrary to what your intuition tells you. You could have been rid of this man a long time ago had you not second guessed your own judgment. Having a good intuition is an asset you can leverage. It is not that hard to learn to trust your own good judgment when you have. It would have been far worse had you not had good judgment; that is so much harder to fix.

I do not know if discovering lessons learned from this horrible experience is currently relevant for you, but if it is, I would propose trusting your intuition and acting in congruence with your intuition and not contrary to it as one such lesson.

There is a Buddhist meditation called Metta Meditation, which I think might help. But I also think it would be extremely difficult to direct compassion toward this "man" -- that's the direction the meditation would lead in.

The trick (maybe) is to understand that this person is deeply flawed and might be incapable of experiencing the joy of a true, loving connection with someone. How can anyone do what he did without suffering in the process?

Perhaps it might also be difficult to direct compassion to yourself, which is another aspect of the meditation. But I hope you'll try that part of it at least.

@ Tart Cherry Jam

Yes, one lessoned that I learned from this is to trust my intuition completely. In the future if I sense something wrong I would immediately, do whatever I can to avoid letting others hurt me. I wouldn't keep giving them many chances to do right. Because in some instances, they don’t want to correct their wrongdoings, and only wanna keep hurting you. I guess it was, because in the past, I loved him and wanted to give him a chance. I thought hmmmm I’ve already spent like 13 yrs with him, let’s give it one more try. Maybe it would work out. But I could not for the life of me sign the paperwork. He even went as far as tell me, he will write in his will, to leave his business and everything he owns to me once we get married. But those things didn’t matter to me, I needed to feel in my soul he would be loyal. But neither my heart or my brain would allow it. So yes I stayed so long because I did love him, but I couldn’t marry him because I felt there might be a chance he would cheat again.

I didn’t want to have to end up in divorce and deal with legal stuff. And I’m glad I didn’t go through with it. In the end, my intuition was right, he wasn’t trustworthy, and wouldn’t have been a good husband to me. I think to myself now, oh God what type of man leaves his 20 yr partner, 1 week after major surgery to marry someone else. That’s not someone I would be proud having as a husband. I know you said earlier, that I can still try again, to form some other relationship. But I’ve decided that he will be the last. I can’t imagine myself being in a relationship ever again, because I’m scared of being hurt again. I rather not take that gamble. I think that's the best option for me, even if I end up alone, it’s better than loving someone that will destroy your soul, heart and spirit. I wanna thank you for your advice. In the future I will 100% trust my intuition and let it guide me the right way.


@ SquarePegGuy

In the past I never thought to use forums to discuss my life issues. This is the first time. It’s because, what has happened nearly killed my soul and my spirit. It’s so bad that, I’ve cannot express my pain to loved ones. That’s why I’m here sharing my pain with you fine forks. My family doesn’t understand why I’m still in pain. That I should “just get over it”, “you’re so stupid wasting 20 yrs your life with him”, and that “he’s married someone else stop talking about him”. I really wished and pray to God daily, to please let me forget all of it please let me heal. But in honesty, I just cant forget someone I spent most of my life with so fast. Even if they were the worst ever! I really hate myself, that I can’t just erase everything. I really really really want to, but my heart is CRAZY! Ugh, I really am trying to forget it all, but I don’t know how. That’s why I’m here, so maybe someone can help me find a way out of this pain. I have never did affirmations or meditation. But starting today, because of you, I will look into meditation. I will go find stuff about it. I prayed to God daily for clarity and direction. Maybe this is the answer, strangers on the internet, that are willing to help you with solutions. All from the kindness of their hearts. Thank you for giving my suggestions, that I wouldn’t have otherwise known about. I hope and pray it will help me, get out the the hell that I’m in. God bless you and thanks again for taking time out to help me.

Eternal Love, before I read your last message, I was thinking of you and planned to write, directing your attention to the fallacy of sunk cost, a concept from the field of economics. And then your post confirmed that you had suffered from that fallacy (you had already spent 13 years with him and because of that, you decided to give him another chance). People make this mistake of falling for the *sunk cost* fallacy all the time. It is very hard not to. I hope that the realization that the mistake you made was very human will help. Since you now are open to trying meditation, please look up the author Kristin Neff from Texas who has posted free self-conpassion meditations she narrated herself. I find them soothing. She describes self-conpassion as consisting of several elements and of them is called shared humanity. So you made a mistake that many other humans have made. You are suffering pain shared by many other people. I hope it will hrlp. Your circle of contacts makes unrealistic suggestions that border on cruelty and complete disregard of your emotional state when they encourage you to just forget and stop talking of the man.

My therapist also recommended Kristin Neff to me; here's a link to get you started if you're interested: Self-Compassion by Kristin Neff: Join the Community Now

I find it's easier to open up to complete strangers anonymously than talk to anyone I know and possibly face judgement. But still it's an act of bravery to open up anywhere.

You can’t get closure from him but you can give yourself closure. You were with a man who lied, cheated and abused you during your relationship. So you closure is that you now can move on. It takes time to heal but the best revenge is to live well. His fake apology has no value. You living a good life without this clown has value

@ Tart Cherry Jam

Thank you for the recommendation I have bookmarked it. I pray to God it will help. And also, I know that if after 5 mths I kept talking to my family about my ex, I can see them saying things like get over it. Or thats it’s get annoying. But, no! I had to stop talking about it the same week that I moved here. I was expected to move on the first week I came here. This is after I wasted 20 years, can’t ever see my dog again (7 hr plane ride plus his new wife knows nothing about me I doubt he let me see my dog), and zero saved up money. He controlled it all. I only left with only my clothes and memorabilia. I thought since I was living with my family, I opened up to them. But they say it’s depressing them to hear my problems. So I should keep it to myself. So for the last 5 mths although I lived with 4 other ppl, other than the first week here. I was NOT ALLOWED to share any unhappy feelings. And I’m not allowed to look sad, cry or complain.

The only person I can express my feelings with is my therapist. Also, my brother has major depression, and verbally abuses every one in this house. They can’t change him. So they gloss over it, this has been going on for 30 yrs for them. They told me “ if I want a roof over my head to just ignore him”. He abuses me all the time, to where I’m afraid to sit at the dinner table. But I am not allowed, to not eat dinner with them. Because that was one of the requirements I agreed too, before moving here. So far I’ve sat at the table less than 5 times, every time with him raging in my face.

Now, I eat standing behind him with him facing the opposite way. Yet, he will say snarky things or make up lies that “I said”. Which never even said in the first place, then I would correct him, he would go crazy. Once even saying, go eat somewhere in the corner so I dont have to argue with you. I was like “hello, duh I am already behind you standing up eating to avoid you”. He's like good just stay there or better yet go into another room. Those words were magic to my ears, I told my sis in law, see he gave me permission to eat alone, she says he's just mad doesn't really mean it. So were back to square one.

I have begged my sister in law to let me eat alone, she won’t allow it. Because, “we have to eat like family”. Only forgetting the part, where thats the only time I see him. And thats the time he always abuses me. There are no words to describe my pain. Sorry for the rant, it’s just this is the first time, aside from my therapist, that I’m telling people what I’m suffering from. In my last relationship, I was closed off no friends etc. Even though, I was with his family for 20 years, I also was not allowed to tell them about his cheating or verbal abuse. I am expected to be happy all the time. I couldn't talk to anyone besides my Dr’s. That’s also why it was hard for me to leave my ex. I had zero support, other than people in the medical field.

@ SquarePegGuy

Thank you as well for the recommendation. And you are correct, it takes bravery to open up to strangers. The two most bravest thing,I’ve ever done was, one leave my ex, and the other to join this forum and speak to strangers about my problems. At first I was afraid that everyone would judge me and think I’m crazy. But it turns out, everyone here is helpful, understanding and kind. I’m grateful for your guidance to help me out this hell hole I’m in. It means a lot that theres no judgement here. Thank you so much.


@ divine1966

Since joining here, and reading everyone comments, I have decided to let go of trying to get closure from him. Ugh, I’m so dumb to think he would apologize. I mean what if he thinks, he hasn’t even done anything wrong? I never thought of that option, until after reading comments here. And you are correct, living my life without this clown has value. The best thing my therapist said to me when I first moved here was, “at least you don’t have to worry about anyone cheated on you anymore”. It really is such a good feeling knowing i’m no longer being cheated on.

I see that you went from abusive boyfriend straight to abusive brother.

Not sure how can they “not allow” a grown woman to eat in a different room. What are they going to do? Call the police on you?

Are you on disability? If yes you might be better off going to a homeless shelter and that would expedite you getting into some type of subsidized housing. If you aren’t disabled, then work later hours. Don’t be home when they eat. If you are trying to move out, you’ll need to save money. So get a second job. Don’t be home.

The reasonable rules for adult relatives are to not be loud and not make a mess. All other made up rules are bogus

You spent two decades pleasing a man who lived double life and abused you. You don’t need to spend another minute being abused by anybody.

@ divine1966

Thanks for replying, the reason I cannot “eat in another room or by myself” is because they feel I’m alienating them. And not trying to “bond with them like a family member”. They don’t feel comfortable with me eating alone it’s rude they say. However, he always abuses me. Even if I have been quiet the entire time. He will think of false crap to say about me. That would trigger me. For example, one time I was praying at the kitchen island, standing in the corner by myself, he’s just starts yelling at me. He didn’t care if I was in the middle of prayer. I had to stop mid prayer and tell him to back off. The rest of the family stood there silently. Watched me continue my prayer, this time in tears.

Again, I will try to explain myself. I have always defended myself in the past. I would argue back every single time. It was only recently (3 days ago) that I learned of the “Grey Rock Method”. I googled methods of how to avoid/not engage with a verbal abuser, that’s how I found this method from reddit.

I’m trying to save up to move, that’s why I’m putting up with this stuff. I realized after our recent fight that, that okay this person will never stop abusing me. No matter how I reason with him, I’m wrong and he's right. I’m just his punching bag. I asked my sister-in-law, do you think it’s fair for him to abuse me? And that l have to let him because I need a place to stay. She says just ignore him. She says he doesn’t mean everything he says, he’s just saying that because he’s mad and frustrated.

He has major depression, hates work and has pain in his body (legs and back). Before I came here, his family dealt with his mood swings. I tried to be kind and understanding, Ive tried to forgive him. Because I thankful to them for taking me in. I try to not get in their way. But this stuff has happened 90% of the time that I’m here. Now I am scared to eat food because of this. I’ve have said to him, that I have been abused for 2 decades. Why are you also abusing me when you’re my own blood. Please help me heal, comfort me help me get through my pain. I need love, empathy and kindness.

He doesn’t see it that way. He sees it as, I’m a person that effed up in life and now he has to deal with me. In fact, I didn’t know this until 3 mths after I moved in. Because my sis in law told me after a fight with him. I asked her why is he so hostile towards me. She said originally he never wanted me to come here. But she forced him to let me stay. But, because he's my only family, and I had no where to go. I had to come here.

So a few days ago after our fight, I googled, found suggestions and came here. Now I give up and waved my white flag by trying the GRM. I have took all the suggestions above, and will try to listen to meditations on youtube. I will try meditation while I’m being a grey rock in order to survive 😔.

God bless you all here and thank you for helping me. I’m so thankful to God to have found this forum. I want you to know your advice is life changing. It can help people like me, that are scared, hurt and lost, find hope. 🙏🏼🩵

This is such a tough place to be in. Grey rock method has been mentioned on this forum, too. Search for it and you might find additional suggestions.

It sounds line your SIL is doing the best she can. She insisted you be invited into the house to stay, but she cannot change his behavior or rise in your defense.

I will definitely look Grey Rock up in search options here. And yes, I really feel bad to my sister-in-law, because she’s stuck in the middle. At first she was always trying to defend me but gave up. I always apologize to her when he fights with me, because she defends me. That’s why I’m trying to not provoke him, so that everyone is not uncomfortable. There are times when the children come downstairs, and say please let’s have a quiet dinner. Please don’t argue even before we eat, it breaks my heart to hear them say this. And even if they say that, he has never stopped him from picking on me. Sighs……

I really feel like crap being here and causing them chaos. Honestly, if I had anywhere else to go, I would never have gone here. I’m just gonna be quiet and accept my fate from now on. 😢

You need to work on taking your power back. See how you interact with people and how you berate yourself. You don't need to beg people or plead with people to be 'allowed' to do or not do what *you* want. You are not a child. What can they do to you? There is already no bonding. At least, you could remove yourself from abusive environments.

Even expecting closure is you giving your power away, expecting someone else (or something external) to make you feel better. I would invite you to reflect on why you give others SO much power over you. This is not anyone else's job - *you* need to make yourself feel better. You are the one in charge of yourself, of your choices and of how you feel.

I would also advise you to choose your allies more carefully (e.g. your ex' mother). People who do not reciprocate or do not care about you - from how they treat you - do *not* deserve your confidence.

Finally, going forward, do not keep collecting red flags and allow others to abuse you. Care, love, and respect yourself more. That way, no one will be able to abuse you. Ever.

@ Rive.

Thank you for replying, and they said if I don’t eat with them I would have to move. literally find somewhere else to live, it’s very painful to me and I have no choice. Because they feel like Im not trying to bond with them. That’s what I mean when I say “I have to eat with them”. So it’s either be homeless or sit at the dinner table. They said dinner time is the ONLY important time, where everyone can come together and connect to one another. Everyone follows this rule not just me. But how can I bond or connect with them when I’m getting abused? ! 😔

Of course, I know I’m not a child. But what can I do, when even before I moved here, I promised that we’d eat together everyday at dinner. That was the only rule I have to abide by living here. I thought to myself how bad could be to eat dinner with them, at least I will have a house to live in. But I didn’t know that I was gonna go through this. Sighssss………

Also, I will never reach out to those cold hearted people again (his mom). I understand now that, even if you’ve known people for decades it don’t matter. People will defend their children, even if they are wrong.

From now on, I won’t ever share my feeling with my brother either. Because he would just twist my words and abuse me. Never in my life did I think my own blood would hurt me, especially when my life is already messed up. Why would you kick a dog when it’s down?

But it seems he has major depression and wants to take it out on me. His wife said just ignore his comments, he’s had a bad day at work etc. She always makes up an excuse for why he’s being mean to me. That’s how everyone deals with him, they ignore his smart *** comments even when he’s trivializing you. And he always makes up lies, will bring up random stuff that “I supposedly said”. Which I didn’t. I’ve tried many times to ignore it, because I felt bad for him.

But still he abuses me, from the first day till now (5mths) it has never stopped. But of course, like I said in the past fights, 90% of the time, I would argue back , get into cussing and everything. I am the type of person, that doesn’t like people saying false things about me. I realize trying to correct him doesn’t work and makes things even worse. So now I’m just gonna try to ignore him completely with the grey rock method.

It sounds like your sister in law has mastered her own form of grey rocking. She just ignores it. That is being a grey rock.

Being a grey rock is all about not taking on someone else's poor behavior. After all a rock doesn't care how bad someone's behavior is.

I took a workshop years ago, and learned to create a big beautiful rose in my mind, and placing that rose around me. It acts like a barrier and to me is more warm, gentle and beautiful than being a rock. You could look online at pictures of roses (or a rose bush) and pick one out that resonates with you if you can't picture a rose. Sounds silly, but it is what I had to do. I still use this method today.

Your brother is a deeply troubled man, and his mean behavior has to do with him, not you. I repeat, his awful behavior is all about him. He's just projecting it out onto you. Allow the rose to absorb it.

Another similar method I learned at the same workshop is hold or place an imaginary rose out in front of you. Imagine all his negative energy going into the rose instead of you. Afterwards imagine throwing that rose into the air and watching it blow up into a million transformed pieces and flowing down into blessings on you.

If a grey rock or rose isn't to your taste, you could try a lotus flower or chrysanthemum.