Closure

I was with my ex for almost 20 year (engaged the last 7 years). Three days after major surgery, he had his mom come to care for me. He then went overseas and married a girl (27 years younger than him), that he has been dating for 1 yr and 2 mths, behind my back. I found out about his cheating about 5 mths before my surgery. But, because I was in a abusive relationship with him, I had to wait till he was gone to leave. So even though it was against medical advice to fly to another state (1 week and 5 days after surgery), I gathered my strength and left while he was not home. I left on his wedding day, that way I was sure he would’nt be home, so there wouldn’t be any type of altercation.

My family member flew to help me leave. I called him a few times but he never answered the phone. So I texted him asking him to apologize for hurting me. And to please give me closure so that I can move on. I messaged him twice about it. He would answer texts about my dog and my belongings etc. However, never anything about our relationship. I’m am devastated I spent 20 years with him, yet I can’t even get a apology. Makes me few so worthless that my love and my youth meant nothing to him.

Has anyone here moved out without closure? If so can you give me tips to move on without closure from him. I am so sad and devastated, I no longer can see my pet of 6 years. And because I had to sneak out to leave, I never got to say bye to dog at all. I would appreciate any type of help, if you have any advice on how I can let go without closure. Thanks for helping.

Welcome to this site, @Eternal Love!

I'm so sorry that you went through that ... Earth shattering experience. I don't have any tips or advice to share right now.

I wonder if you live in a state that recognizes common law marriage. After living together that long, perhaps you have a legal justification for taking some sort of action.

Also, I wonder how well you get along with his mother. It's possible that she feels awful about what he did. If so she might provide a bit of comfort.

Hopefully, others will join the thread.

Horrible. But you knew, deep down, that it would not end well. You probably did not expect he would marry a girl 27 years younger than he is, but you knew this would not end well, because why would one be engaged for 7 (!!!) years? People are engaged for what, 1 year, all the while they planning their wedding. Maybe a couple of years, but not 7. And you had been with him for so long prior to the engagement. And you yourself said that you were in an abusive relationship with him. So, clearly, even without ultimately marrying that girl, he mistreated you. He mistreated you so badly that you were afraid of an altercation and worked around that fear by leaving exactly on his wedding day.

So he mistreated you, probably he would string you along, he caused you to live in fear of altercations (or worse), and... you now expect an apology from him? An apology for hurting you? And you expect that to be a.... heartfelt apology? But had he actually cared not to hurt you, he would not have done those things to you in the first place. Would not have caused you to live in fear of altercations, for instance. Would have separated from you earlier and in a kinder way when he figured out he would be going off with that girl overseas. Would not have been stringing you alone, something you now resent so bitterly because your youth was wasted.

For this reason, a heartfelt apology is not possible, is not forthcoming, and a token apology would not be enough for you. You would definitely be able to tell a heartfelt apology and a token apology apart.

So there is nothing he can do that would make you feel any better now. Your loss is huge: you wasted your youth, and, on top of that, you are saying that you loved him, so your love went unappreciated. And then the dog. With the dog, maybe his mother can mediate an agreement between you and him. At least he is communicative via text about the dog, so there, not all is lost.

You wrote that you want him to please give you closure so that you can move on.


You do not depend on him for moving on. I think you need to examine why you stayed in a dead end relationship for so long, wasting years. The relationship was obviously dead end. Did you not see it? Did you deceive yourself, trying to avoid seeing the obvious, the red flags? You chose Eternal Love for your name on this forum, so did you say for so long because you loved him and only him all your adult life?

People can live long these days and it is possible to form relationships during later years. But you need to separate from the man inside your psyche before you can go on to form better relationships than that one. It will take time, the process will be painful, but it is possible, and you do not need his OK for you to move on.

Regarding getting closure, most people do not get it. So you are not at all alone. Getting closure is an exception, not the rule.