Dod I do anything wrong? Sick dad told my husband that he no longer wants to talk to

My dad has prostrate cancer & is going through chemotherapy now. He recently moved into an assisted living facility. I wasn’t told where he would move to.

Anyways, for context, I’ll include everything from the start. He’d answer the phone almost every time I called him.

We were never close to each other. He is a narcissist & mentally & emotionally abusive too.

He never respected me or my boundaries, so I kept my distance from him for years. Despite all of that, I was upset to hear that my mom & my sister left him in a filthy house for a week and a half.

There was human feces on the floor as well as blood from him. He uses a walker. He has a hard time getting up too. I wasn’t there. My husband saw how disgusting the house was when he we t there on a business trip.

My mom & my sister moved out with my sisters latest boyfriend. My mom eventually returned to the house. They had a big fight.

They didn’t even call him or check up on him. No one did. Only a social worker stopped by.

I don’t understand why he didn’t move out sooner. Maybe he didn’t want to be away from my mom & my sister?

Anyways, I didn’t hear from him for over a week. So I got worried & called the local police to do a wellness check.

My sister & my mom blocked my number years ago. They are both very self absorbed & abusive to me too

My mom has always favored my sister & she probably blocked me on my moms phone

She has a paranoid delusional disorder. She stopped talking to me after I yelled at her for bring a bad mother & how she never loved me as she does everything for my sister & nothing for me. All she ever did was put me down & criticize me.

Her ego couldn’t handle the truth so she ignored me instead if apologizing to me.

So I couldn’t call them or any relatives. I did call my uncle who lives in the same town, but he is mean & he didn’t really want to talk to me much.

That’s my moms brother. So the officer told me where he’s staying as my mom told him that information.

I then called the facility & they couldn’t give me any information due to HIPPA laws. They couldn’t even tell me if he was there .

Tbe lady who answered the phone was rude She hung up on me. Before she did, she said that I need permission from whoever has power of attorney. I thi my sister had power of attorney.

No one tells me anything, so idk. So I told her that no one has told me anything & that since my mom & my sister blocked me, I can’t find put who has power of attorney.

I called the manager & complained about her but I doubt that anything was done.

So my dad called my husband the other day & told him that I was bothering gim & that he was mad that I did a wellness check & mad that I even mentioned my sisters name.

They are both extremely protective of her despite her being a career criminal & a user loser who has lived at home on & off since she was 18 years old She is now 47 years old.

She hooks up with guys, then the relationship ends in a year or two as she’s bipolar & unmedicated. Then she ends up moving back home again.

She is abusive & violent too as she assaulted me & an ex boyfriend in the past

She is very good at manipulating my parents. She might be influencing them & committing elder abuse too.

So even though we have no real relationship, it does hurt to ne cut off just for showing concern.

What’s worse is that my jerk husband thinks that I shouldn’t have conducted the wellness check or called the facility.

He told me that I should’ve talked to him first. He said that the people at the facility think that you’re cuckoo now, ugh.

He was so nasty & he told me it’s my fault that my nasty mom & sister blocked me.

I told him to call my dad & explain to him that I was worried about him What if he fell or died?

Did I do anything wrong? What would you have do e if you were me?

Right now I just give up on him. I moztly have given up on him, but I won’t bothet calling him anymore as be is to weird, secretive, abusive & frustrating to deal with as well as nasty & rude.

I feel like I never had a real family which makes me upset, angry, depressed, unloved, broken & lonely too.

Hi @jesyka - I am sorry that your dad did not accept your invitation to mend the fences so to speak and smooth things over. You made a good effort.

How are things going with your husband? Do you have any kids?

CANDC

[If you want me to see your reply to this post please include @CANDC in your message - not in requoting my message]

@CANDC, thanks. My dad has always been a mean & emotionally abusive narcissist. I’m done trying to get along with him anymore. He favors my nasty user career criminal sister which makes things even worse.

My husband is not supportive at all. He told me that I’m cuckoo & that everyone thinks that I’m cuckoo, especially after what I did recently.

I don’t think that I did anything wrong. To hell with them all. We don’t have any kids.

I never liked kids. Also, I don’t want to have messed up kids even if I wanted to have kids.

Living with physical & mental disabilities is a living hell. Most people do judge disabled people which sucks too.

I think you were right to request the wellness check. Better safe than sorry. Left alone, as he was, anything could have happened to him. Clearly, he could not look after himself and should not have been left on his own.

His being moved to an assisted living facility sounds like what he needed. I hope it's a decent place. Some are better than others. Anything is better than him being in a house by himself.

I'm sorry you don't have family that are really family to you. It doesn't sound like that will ever change, which is sad. Sometimes you have to let go and accept that people are unlikely to change. Maybe they can't. We all need others in our lives. I hope you can find relationships that you will want to invest in. Some people you have to give up on.

Thanks. I don’t understand why he’s so upset with me. I also don’t understand why my husband thinks that I was being inappropriate & crazy too, ugh!

They are very toxic & abusive, so I won’t bother to contact him anymore.

It’s obvious that they don’t care about me at all.

I don’t really know exactly what is going on but I’m wondering if your dad is angry you got a wellness check on him because he wasn’t consulted?

Don't take anything your dad has said to heart. It sounds like he has some dementia. Your mom and sister may have denigrated you to him. It does sound like your family's dynamics are quite toxic.

It also sounds like your husband is in the habit of putting you down. No one deserves to have their spouse talking to them the way he talks to you. He seems to see you as an easy target. You have every right to protest his disrespectful manner. If there is still love in this marriage, then maybe you could sit hubby down and tell him that calling you "crazy" is not okay. Arguing with hubby won't help. I would recommend that you learn how to give him the cold shoulder when he talks to you in an insulting way. Walk away from him when he gets that out of line. But tell him why. Then ignore him until he speaks decently to you.

Your husband is habituated to looking down on you. It's a bad habit that will be hard to break. But listening to those put-downs is damaging your soul. That family of yours got you used to being talked to like you were nothing. So hubby figured he could do the same to you. It's time you stopped being everyone's whipping-girl. Hold your head up and stop believing the stupid stuff you've been hearing from mom, sis and hubby. You are a precious human being. Tell yourself that everyday. Until you believe it, no one else will.

Excellent post Rose.

I’d like to add that your dad may possibly be angry with you that you got the well-being check on him but the background of your relationship sounds so difficult that unfortunately it sounds like this is how he’s always treated you. That’s in no way your fault.

It sounds like your family may have assigned you the role of ‘scapegoat’ but there’s so much dysfunction there you couldn’t possibly be treated with respect.

Who onows? He’s a weirdo. He cryptically told me to not tell anyone anything before he moved out to the assisted living facility.

Idk why he’d do tyat. I asked for the number & the address but he didn’t want to give it to me.

Weird! Isn’t that weird?

Why would he be mad at me for that? I was looking out for him.

He’s a narcissist control freak.

I was always the scapegoat & the black sheep. I never tried to go out of my way to please them & they hated that as they’re all abusive, self absorbed & selfish people who need constant attention & vsliin order to feel good about themselves.

They hate the fact that they can’t control me. I was also my parents free therapist since I was 11 or 12 years old.

They’ all have severe mental health problems that they all refuse to get help for.

If I knew of anyone living in the conditions your father was living in - feces on the floor - I would call for a wellness check or make a report to Adult Protection Services . . . whether that individual wanted me to or not. Not to do so would be irresponsible and could set the stage for a tragic mishap.

If your dad truly does not want you to visit him in the assisted living facility, then you'll have to respect that and abide by his decision. It's a sad state of affairs, but his having that attitude does not necessarily reflect poorly on you. This family is very screwed up in ways that you did not cause. Losing contact with any of them - or all of them - might actually bring more peace into your life. Sometimes, if you hang back and leave them alone, so the "ball is in their court," they might someday initiate contact with you. Try hanging back for a good little while.