Parents wronged me as a child - Forgive or Cut off

I was a very young child growing up in a third world country in Europe. Around 5 to 7 years in age when the event happened, I can't remember exactly (I'm 42 now).

We lived in a multi-family building in the city. My parents would let me go outside to play, completely unsupervised at such a young age. They'd let me go and play for hours, pretty much anywhere while they were in the house.

One day, me and another childhood friend from the same building, same age, were playing outside together and got taken, abducted, by two older boys. I don't know their age, maybe just under 20 or so if I had to guess.

After done, they took us back to where they abducted us from and told us not to tell our parents or very bad things would happen.

After a week I built up the courage to tell my dad. The next day he took me to a neighborhood he believed the criminal boys might live based on the description I gave him and we actually found them. My dad took them to the police station and I don't know what happened to them (prob. not much).

I had successfully erased this memory from my mind for most of my life in order live a normal life. Honestly it has never been an issue given how much I actually managed to erase this memory from my head.

I moved to US when I was 11 with my family. I managed to grow up fine, build an above average career and life for myself, successful. I have an incredible, beautiful wife and two amazing kids.

Everything was fine and I've maintained a decent relationship with my parents, until the recent birth of my second child, my son. My first child is my daugher. I think this horific memory might have been re-triggered for the first time in 36 years perhaps because I see how precious and innocent my son is, how he needs my full protection always. I would protect him with my life and die for him.

It has made me think, boys are just as precious and fragile and need the same level of protection. How could my parents have allowed this to happen to me, let me down so badly, did not protect me?

I'm at the point now where extreme anxiety has been triggered due to my parent's failure to protect me as a young child. I have a choice to make.
A) Forgive them and continue to allow them to visit and see their grandchidren.
B) Cut them off competely and never allow them to see their grandchildren ever again, never go to their funerals. For what they allowed to happen to me.

I am the type of person that has tendency to take extreme measures so I really would love to know what others feel they would do in this situation. I want to take action that isn't overly emotional or unnecessarily extreme given that the result could affect many in the family.

Some key facts: In this third world country, it was pretty common that most kids would go out and play unsupervised. I personally don't think I can accept this as an excuse as there is no way I could allow my children out to play unsupervised at such a young age.

Thank you

Your parents did not 'allow' this to happen. The ones responsible are those boys who abused you. Blaming your parents is shifting the focus to something you perceive was controllable or avoidable. Those not-so-precious or innocent boys were the ones in the wrong, not your parents.

Punishing your parents will not bring you peace.

I agree with rive. It’s sort of like cutting off your nose to spite your face. It’s extreme to blame your parents. They were only doing what parents everywhere did. I grew up here in USA and I was in the summer out from Dawn to dust unsupervised. It’s not just a third world thing it’s a different time. Studies show that children that get unsupervised play time grow up a lot stronger and successful that helicopter children.

I am guessing what you mean by a third world country in Europe. Romania? What you are describing, playing outside alone, was completely normal and commonplace. I grew up in the former Soviet Union and I started using the elevator alone when I was 6 and going outside to play, unsupervised. I attribute much of my independence to those early experiences. You are framing your life history as "managing" to thrive "despite" what happened, but have you considered that you "proceeded" to thrive "thanks" to having spent your childhood in unsupervised play with your age peers? If you read literature on child development, you will learn of the importance of unstructured play.

What happened did lead to your father taking decisive action. He actually confronted, found the perpetrators, did everything to find justice. That involving the police probably was not harshly consequential for the rapists was due to system set-up at that time and not to passivity or inaction on the part of your father. Have you considered thanking your father for believing you and for taking immediate action to punish the people who wronged you? Not every parent would do that.

Your parents raised you in full conformity with thr mores and customs of their country during that time period. Life is not without risks and you found yourself harmed because your parents did not practice what is now called helicopter parenting. But you also reaped enormous benefits thanks to the fact that they did not act overprotectively towards you, stifling your development.

The rape might have led to far more negative emotional consequences for you had your parents disbeleived you or played down what happened. They did not do that. Their response was congruent with reality and reaffirmed for you the sense that you were an innocent child who was violated. This was huge. This is something to thank them now for, not to cut them off over. You can read many accounts of how parents react to reports of sexual violence coming from their children to situate your parents' reaction on the continuum of possible reactions and finally appreciate they the y did very, very well.

If your son's birth led to resurfacing of those memories, it is an opportunity to revisit what happened in a conversation with your parents and expess your appreciation for everything: their reaction to that specific incident, their moving you to this country which provided you with opportunities to do so well, and their current involvement with their grandchildren.

Based on what you wrote, your tendency to go to extremes, you are at a heightened risk of becoming an overprotective parent yourself now. Having grandparents actually helps you avoid that trap (which can seriously disadvantage your kids for life), so your parents are an asset in your life, not a liability.

I am glad you posted to reality check what would have been an absurd step that would have deeply harmed too many people to name, including you.

I'm really sorry that happened to you, but I will say I agree with the others and don't see any malice from your parents. I could see a more justifiable feeling of betrayal if you lived in an extremely violent area where this happened all the time and everybody else didn't let their kids be unsupervised outside, but it doesn't seem so. Parents aren't going to hover over their kids every second of every day, and your dad did what he could with what he had. The boys that raped you, those guys are the problem. If there was no adequate justice given, the system is the problem as well.

If, until this memory popped up, things were decent with your parents, I'd say they're not so bad that you have to keep your grandchildren away from them. If you feel there was something that needed forgiving, that would be the best route.

It is definitely also time. My friends' children in my home country who are now tweens and teens are much more supervised than my friends and I were when we were children and teens.

OP,

Another thing is that you had complete trust in your parents which is why you immediately reported the rape to them. You knew the parents would be on your side. Many kids do not have this trust in their parents. Your parents must have done a lot (a lot!) right all the way up to the time when you got raped to earn that unconditional trust from you. Now is an opportunity to reflect on that and show them appreciation.

I would like to thank everyone from the bottom of my heart.
What an incredible community this is.
It has helped me with a reality check and to avoid making an unnecessarily disastrous decision.
Thank you!

@Nightrun,

I have reread your message and see that you did not report the rape immediately (I was wrong in my previous post); it took you one week to build up courage and tell your dad. Still, you had trust in him and he reacted in the best possible way under the circumstances

I am so glad that as a community, we all helped you with a reality check and you won't be making disastrous decision.

TCJ