Being raised to value and love family more than anything, then losing them

Ever since I remember, my furthest memories back as a child, I was raised to value and love family more than anything and anyone, and that family was the most important thing in life. Cousins, Aunts, Uncles, Grandparents, Parents, Siblings, everyone. When I was younger, (I am 29 years old now) we were always together when we weren't at school or had other things going on, especially holidays of course.

Then of course over time as we all got older, and various unfortunate events occurred, and life happened, a lot of the family grew apart, and some bridges were even burned - may I note here, with others specifically, not with me even. I've never had any conflicts or problems with any of my family members, and have always loved every single one of them, and shown it, with all my heart, and would drop everything at the drop of a needle if any of them needed me.

But I feel like that is not really the case with most of them, anymore if anything. A couple members 100% and I feel like they would barely bat an eyelash if I died today. And just most of them sure, I'm sure they love me and care about me, but honestly only because of the fact that I'm family, and that's about the extent of it.

It really sucks being brought up and it drilled into my being to love and value, and be so close to family as much as I do, and basically ending up with half of them not even remotely feeling the same about me, and the other half just being indifferent and being able to 'take me or leave me' without second thought you know... I mean, I even now still make an effort to reach out and still show my love, and 99% of the time get hardly, if anything in return from them.

Don't get me wrong I understand completely we all have our own lives and things going on, and I'm in no way expecting all of them to just be obsessed with and unable to live without me or anything. Just like I said, it sucks and is very painful to be raised such a way, and basically feel like pretty much any of them could care less and probably wouldn't even show up at my funeral.

This is so unfortunate. I think your best option now is to build relationships based on choice rather than familial ties while bringing your values of loving family to those new relationships. Sort of grow a family of choice around you. There will be people who will appreciate you for it.

Hi

I’m 50.

I’ve been there, done that.

Both my parents have lots of siblings, most of whom moved away.

My parents found each other in the same small town that their parents and grandparents were from

Everyone on both sides came back home in the summer and at Christmas. I grew up entrenched with all my aunts, uncles and cousins.

In my adult life I extended myself to visit extended family on my vacations, ask to connect, phoned, emailed, all the things. None of them called back. I was happily greeted, with no effort in return.

I voiced it, said me and my kids needed it, said I wanted kids to know their extended family , asked for interest, support, whatever. I got LOTS of positive responses and zero follow up.

Then it was time to face some things and make choices.

Do I continue to beg for interest? I don’t like how it makes me feel.

Do I continue to pursue people? That was making me bitter.

Do I accept that others see and feel things differently than me?

Do I accept it’s not as important to them?

Do I keep swimming upstream?

Do I feel like this is the tribe to have my back in hard times?

Time, each day and in this lifetime, is limited. Is this a good investment?

Can I let this go, and just happily receive people when or if I see them?

Is this creating bitterness in me? Is it better to try less and harbour better feelings towards these family members.

This hurt for almost two years. Now I’m better.

It’s been SO good to invest in people who call me back. It’s been SO good to have people ask me to visit and ask to come over. And when I don’t, I enjoy my own company and my own interests.

RDMercer

At 71, I have learned that life comes in seasons. No matter how bad I want summer to stay, I can't make it happen & I need to move on to fall. Winter comes when it happens & we have to adapt to that also. After cold winter comes spring & thrn we adapt to that. None of the seasons are ever the same even from year to year. I try to find beauty & things I enjoy in each season, adapt to the changes & find happiness in the things around me that I truly enjoy. Each person has their own different seasons in life that don't correspond to ours & accepting that is all part of life. Taking a more independent outlook on life is helpful no matter how we might have been raised. We need to view life the way it helps us live peaceful & calm within ourself.