What to do when they come back?

The regulars here know my history.

I was married to an abusive, manipulative spouse who also emotionally abused and neglected the kids. We’re almost two years separated. One kid is a teen the other is a young adult.

She doesn’t have many old friends left. A lot of them reached out to me after our separation. They’re all family people, and our kids are fully with me.

Tonight something occurred to me for the first time.

What if she calls or shows up because she has nowhere to go? She hasn’t held a job or earned enough to live off since 2010. Someone is paying her bills and at some point that could collapse.

What if she calls because she’s gotten a bad prognosis, diagnosis, health scare, etc, and no one around her cares?

What if she’s called because she’s lost someone she loves, possibly someone we have a mutual connection too?


I think I need to have a planned or rehearsed response. I’m a pretty soft hearted person. I can be manipulated in these situations.

Thanks

RDMercer

It is a great idea to plan ahead and release your response. I do not know the details because I have not read the long threads but based on thr synopsis you provided, it is wise to develop a strategy now when it is all hypothetical.

I think it's wise to think through these scenarios and to prepare, just in case. She's already shown up on your doorstep, taking you completely by surprise.

By the way, how is she paying for all these nice things she currently has? Didn't she have a new car, a new large home, new clothing, etc etc? I'm just curious. Who is paying for all of this for her if she still cannot work?

So, when my abusive ex husband's mother died and he wanted my support after we had separated, I told him point blank: I am no longer that person for you. I am no longer your go-to support person. We are separated and I am divorcing you - that means that we are no longer associated and in a any kind of a relationship. We are not even friends. I don't want a friendship with you, or anything to do with you. You will have to rely on someone else for support.

If she ever does have the opportunity, to me, a direct answer like that is the best approach - saying NO, drawing a boundary and being firm, direct, and resolute.

But do not give her the opportunity.

If she did come to you in dire straights, you know full well that she would have a hidden ulterior motive - whatever that may be. Never allow yourself to be ensnared by her manipulations ever again - this is a new mantra to repeat to yourself as much as you need to.

She took you by surprise by dropping by with some man on her arm and a new car, shiny beautiful new clothes, etc etc. She planned it that way. That maneuver was dripping with calculated, well planned out manipulation. She wanted you to want her back - she wanted to pull on your heartstrings and make you envious of the man in tow. And then she tried to bribe your daughter into a secret relationship by bribing her with a phone? The whole thing was just sickening - and look how badly it effected you. You have an entire thread on the incident.

So, it's good to think in this case of the worst case scenario and plan ahead.

Be resolute in your decision to never lift a finger to help this calculating, abusive, cruel, and manipulative ex. She could easily play victim and make you feel guilty somehow for not helping her.

Remember, the less you engage with her, the more you are protecting yourself - and your kids - from any further harm. It's in your best interests - and theirs - to protect and shield yourselves fully from her. She clearly will stoop to any level to get to you and your kids, and to pull you down and back in.

Don't ever allow that to happen.

Shut the door in her face, if she ever shows up at your home again. Block her on your phone, if you haven't yet, and everywhere else. The less you expose yourself to her, the more protected and shielded you are from her manipulations. Deal only with her through the lawyers. There is no reason to speak directly with her ever again.

It's your peace of mind - and your kids peace of mind - that you must protect.

She’s been blocked on my phone for over a year.

Her emails go to a separate folder that I check once a week

I don’t know how she’s paying for everything. I expect it’s man/men, and also her burning through the money she took from the LOC and funds we’d set aside for the kids, and probably borrowing money in anticipation of everything she’s going to get from me.

That’s such a simple response; “I’m not that person to you anymore.”

Thanks Hope.

Why check the filtered email folder? Don't. For your own sanity and health.

Why check the email folder?

Because she plays “concerned mom” periodically.

Last January she wanted to know our daughter’s course selection for second semester. This month she asked if I was keeping her vaccinations up to date.

She gets very, very short replies from me, (“she’s taking all her required course to graduate on time”and “she’s making informed health decisions with our family doctor”)

I won’t let her go to court and be able to say “He’s alienating the kids and withholding information.”

Well, it's very good you're making your replies brief. She is only upholding a facade of being a caring mother.