I am seriously defective

It's really a laugh that I would post in relationships -- because I do not have any. I believe that I am seriously defective in some way that is beyond my comprehension. Because I would change if I knew what it is I need to change. I would figure out how to do it.

I teach, and my contract has been non-renewed for every job I've held since 1997. Okay, so that one lasted seven years, which is a pretty good run in contemporary America. Still, it feels %#@&#! to be not good at what I do after 15 years of doing it. And I do not have any other marketable skills.

And if I have them, I do not believe I am capable of marketing them -- because I am seriously defective. I have no friends, and I do not get out much -- because I do not want even more people to notice how seriously defective past people have found me.

I have not been around for a long time, so posting almost guarantees I will be ignored -- proving to myself once again how seriously defective I am. Talking about setting up a self-fulfilling prophecy. I can almost predict the two members who will post unempathic responses . . . well, they are probably right -- they just recognized how defective I am quicker than others.

LOL, Wants...I too am seriously defective, and I know this. I've been surveying my life...unwillingly, lately...and at my age I do recognize how I evolved as I have. Have you been able to do this? It's not pretty, but it does make me realize how things have developed as they have.
I too have few friends, and i am also a teacher. I have managed to do my job with insight and compassion as I relate to my students, but my personal life is zero. I even managed to complete my M.A. in Art this past spring, after 4 years of working on it. My advisor/professor said to me , "Pat, don't hide your work in a closet!" but I don't feel like promoting myself artistically. Just glad to have it done!
I do have a wonderful daughter and twin grandsons who love me. That really is the brightest spot in my life, though they live far away.
i managed to break the cycle of abuse I had suffered as a child, and never once hit my daughter. We have a wonderful relationship.
That is my one big success, I think. I have given up on the idea of meeting a man, and that's fine with me now. I like the peace.
Love
Patty

What do you mean by defective? In what way? I have to know because you apparently have a skill. There are resources to get your skills marketed such as at an agency.
You had a good run for 7 years, can you get more training or, perhaps move laterally to another are of your profession?

I don't know that not having friends is a sign of being defective. I have very few friends IRL. Let's see there is my wife, a person at work, a few from PC that I have never met and my cat Edamoe. I guess I could call myself defective if we go by how many friends I have.

Why are you so down on yourself? Look at this end to your contract as an opportunity to move forward. I like change, in fact I quit my present job 4 times over the last 21 years and was rehired every time I applied. Perhaps this is a sign that it is time for greater events in your life.

I don't know you, but I bet you didn't predict that I would respond to your post. Things will work out for you if you want them to. Try to relax, and if you don't need to be re-employed right away, it would be a good time to take the opportunity to relax and go on a vacation. Things will sometimes look better after we have given some time to meditate on other things.

Good luck to you.

{{{{{{{{Wants}}}}}}}} it is nice to see you back. We don't know each other very well, but I have never seen you as defective. I have no friends IRL, just a few here at PC.

Please try to think of your accomplishments......there are many. As for work, I've never held a job for that long, so congrats!

Mary Alice

Don't want to ignore you!

Teaching is a tough spot to be here in FL... they're taking our lotto money we spend only for education, and then cutting out programs and teachers in the schools. You aren't alone, I'm sorry you are there though

Believe in Him or not --- GOD LOVES YOU!

Want to share your Christian faith? Click HERE

Hi,

You are not defective at all. Work is a thing of society. Why they prefer hiring one person instead of another doesn't make the non hired person defective. Work is base on so many things, sometime absurd things.

I don't have friends either for a reason or another.

Hope you feel better soon.

You were missed. I find your posts informative and honest and I read them with interest.

Click Here

Thank you, everyone, for your warm, wonderful, supportive responses. You really have no idea how much they mean to me. They are really a lifeline to the rest of the human race.

You are right, 50 guy, I could not have predicted who would respond -- or even that there would be a whopping six responses -- because that is an enormous number for me.

Patty, I have done an internal audit of my classroom skills, and it ain't pretty. I grew up in a military household, and my parents grew up in immigrant households ruled by old man Karamozov. I come off as very hard-edged. I have students who love me, because I really do care about them. I do all kinds of things for them that they do not think I will do because of that hard-edge presentational style. I will do almost anything to help a student who wants to succeed. I also have students who truly hate me. I have little patience for slackers, and even when I put on m best face to deal with them, they can smell the falsity. Despite my outer hard edge, I am very insecure, so I am very hurt by their poor opinion, even though I understand why.

I do not want to teach. I never wanted to teach. I did it to please another person, who ended up abandoning me. Now I am educated to the max, and age 60. Teaching, despite the bellyaching that people do, is the best-paid profession I've ever been in. If I could get a job for five more years, I'll be okay. I am not qualified to teach in public schools, only universities. If I don't find a job with bennies, I may be living in a cardboard box under an overpass.

I do not have a loving family or children. I feel very much alone. I am not always well, and I suffer from vertigo, among other things. This, too, makes holding a 40 hour week job grueling. I wind up pooped after a nine-month contract.

I wonder what would become of me if I slipped and fell. I seem a bit young to have one of those "help I've fallen alarms" but I am considering it. Perhaps my closest relationship will be with a Wackenhut 24-hour security desk.

No, honestly, I really do think that I am seriously defective -- that there is a selfishness and hard edge that turns off people. Not in my writing, no, but in real life.

I discovered that I live just up the road from a mental health assn., so I am planning to get involved with the depression group and maybe volunteer. My only income is teaching online right now, and I do not get out enough.

Hey Wants2Fly;

A 90 or so year old man told me that 60 is the youth of old age. Iasked then what is 40 and he said the youth of middle age. I asked him then what is 20 and he said a new born. I think he is right. I'm 52 and I don't think 60 is old. I am very active. I just cut down 7 trees in my yard over the past week. Well 2 were down from storms and the others had to come down before they fell. I hopped back and forth over the 5' fence like a young kid of 35. I though I might take up being a lumberjack, lol, just kidding. My point is you can do a lot of things at 60. Tutor maybe? Private lessons?
Join the Chamber of Commerce in your area and get the word out. Make it happen. Don't be down on yourself, you're just a kid.

Wants said:
"I do not want to teach. I never wanted to teach. I did it to please another person, who ended up abandoning me. Now I am educated to the max, and age 60. Teaching, despite the bellyaching that people do, is the best-paid profession I've ever been in. If I could get a job for five more years, I'll be okay. I am not qualified to teach in public schools, only universities. If I don't find a job with bennies, I may be living in a cardboard box under an overpass."
Same here, and I too got into teaching out of desperation and wanting out of my long, unhappy marriage. I couldn't find another job that would pay as well either.
But despite the hard assessment you do of yourself in your teaching, it sounds like you are doing a wonderful job! I commend you for holding onto your standards. Most of the professors I encountered during the past 4 years were "hard-edge" in their dealings with all of us students. The ones who tried to get warm and fuzzy weren't as respected in the college setting.
Patty

I don't think you are seriously defective but I sure understand the feeling, I've had it myself.

For the longest time I didn't have any friends and eventually that was okay, I needed lots of time alone, therapy, and time working on diminishing anxiety. I may never be a really social person with lots (or even two) of close friends.

I think there are more of us than we think. Television, movies etc tend to portray what we then think is normal, but it may not be at all.

Some of us are just built different too. Some of us are introverted, some of us just need occasional chit chat with acquaintances, some of us have many close knit relationships.

I like to think of things as an experiment, that when it comes to self discovery and improvement, all results are more information, and there is a wide world of things we can try. It is possible to change our way of being in the world, our way of behaving and communicating. Therapy can be a great help.

As can a place like this.

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Wants2Fly said:
It's really a laugh that I would post in relationships -- because I do not have any. I believe that I am seriously defective in some way that is beyond my comprehension. Because I would change if I knew what it is I need to change. I would figure out how to do it.

I teach, and my contract has been non-renewed for every job I've held since 1997. Okay, so that one lasted seven years, which is a pretty good run in contemporary America. Still, it feels %#@&#! to be not good at what I do after 15 years of doing it. And I do not have any other marketable skills.

And if I have them, I do not believe I am capable of marketing them -- because I am seriously defective. I have no friends, and I do not get out much -- because I do not want even more people to notice how seriously defective past people have found me.

I have not been around for a long time, so posting almost guarantees I will be ignored -- proving to myself once again how seriously defective I am. Talking about setting up a self-fulfilling prophecy. I can almost predict the two members who will post unempathic responses . . . well, they are probably right -- they just recognized how defective I am quicker than others.

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A teacher, wow, congrats to you for holding down that type of position for as long as you have... Defective, no I don't believe it, I think it is only in your own mind that you are defective... Try hard to turn that thinking around and love yourself for the wonderful person that you are...perhaps it is just that you are lonely. Please get out and do as you suggested and join some discussion groups, do some tutoring, find something that you love to do and do it every day... Go for a walk, listen to some music, but get out of your head you will be a much happier person...

TJ

Thank you, Cedar and Skeeweeaka

((((((((((((( Wants2 ))))))))))))))
I've missed you here! I don't see you as defective at all.
(but have been having some of those very thoughts about me, myself tonight )

Good to see you back!

Hi W2F, I am sorry that you find yourself in such a distressing place. I have also been in some pretty distressing places. What helped me to recover was to understand that I was who I was because of my experiences and if I wanted to change anything about myself I had to understand how I got there and understand my issues well. Once you do this any change is possible.

I also found myself alone and what I realized is that I had put up this thick wall for protection. Why did I need that? Because I hadn't learned any social skills while growing up, I had low self esteem, I had weak personal boundaries so I was unable to protect myself from others in very simple situations, and other things that I cannot remember right now. I guess I just wanted to tell you that you can find another way that makes you happier and more comfortable with yourself and life.

Thank you for visiting this thread, Fuzzy, and Sannah. Good thoughts.