No idea where to put this ....

I'm in a dilemma .....

I dont have anything to do with my mother .... she was one of my abusers and decided to cut her out of my life justbefore last christmas ....

She had 2 friends she's known 45 years, i was bought up with her kids for the first 4 years, but they kept in touch right until Christmas ....

Mum decided to stop speaking to these 2 friends just because they decide to go to a wedding, the wedding was my mums ex partner who she cant stand anyway, but took offence cos 2 said friends even thought about going ..... (in the end they didn't go)

So, i've kept in touch with 2 said friends because they are lovely, down to earth people who know exactly what my mother is like .... mum hurt them badly by saying she wanted nothing more to do with them ...... they put her up when she had nowhere to live, gave her love and a roof and food ..... baled her out loads of times when she lost jobs, houses etc .....

Now A has cancer (dont want to mention her name here)and has been thruogh surgery. I called A last night to see if she's ok. She is recovering well, thank goodness. I asked her if she wanted mum to know. Her reply was she didn't think my mum would care anyway. She cant believe mum hasn't been in touch with me and says even if mum called her the friendship would never be the same.

I daren't call because I am scared of her rejection after all this time ...... but I need advice as to whether i should let mum know A has been ill ........

I wondered wether i should write a letter and tell her? 45 years is a long time to be friends and not know she has been very poorly ......

Could i have your opinions please???? TY confused ..... Jinny

What if mum finds out i knew and didn't tell her .....

I think its up to "A" to decide what SHE wishes to do about this? If she asked you to write a letter or phone then fine, but if this is just your thinking then you need allow "A" to be her own advisor?

ty Mouse ..... yes you're probably right .... but A did say on the phone she'd be upset if mum put the phone down on her ..... so i thought maybe a letter would just let her know without A being hurt even more ..... IDK ..... ty for your advice Jx

((((((((((( jinny )))))))))))))

I'm glad to hear that A is recovering from her ordeal. That is great news.

Now, as far as your mum knowing what's been going on and if you should tell her or not.... I would say, stay right out of it. A is an adult and as such can decide who she wishes to inform and who she doesn't wish to inform of her situation. It sounds to me like A has made her mind up as to who is important in her life. You are important as you are well aware of her situation.

So what if your mum finds out that you know what is going on? She is aware there is no contact between you and her and no contact between her and A. You cannot control her experiences in life my friend....this is on her and her alone. If A wanted your mum to know, she would have asked (if she couldn't do it herself) for someone to contact your mum.

Take care of YOU and be a friend to A. That's all that is required of you hon The rest is out of your hands and your control.


sabby

I think a letter might not be a bad idea -- though there is no way you (Jinny) can be sure how that would be received. But you can control what you do only. If it makes you feel better it might be good to do it regardless of what other people do.

((((((((((((((((((((Sabby)))))))))))))))))))))))

Yes ..... i have to look at this from an adult point of view ....

guess i'm not in the past where mother scared me anymore .....

thankyou for the advice ..... kx

((((((((((pacyderm)))))))))))))))))))

.....i think it would have made me feel better that mum knows, but i have to think of A here .... she could do without my mother in her life again .........

i was just thinking that if a friend of mine was ill and i hadn't been in touch i would want to know, but my mother is a different person to me ...... i'm not going to contact her ...

ty for the advice .... Jinny x

Of course you would want to know if a "friend" was ill. But it seems from what you said that A does not consider your mum a friend anymore? I can certainly understand your line of thinking there hon...and that comes from having a big heart and wanting to "fix" things. (hmmm I wonder how I know about that??? ) It's sometimes hard to step back and logically remember that WE can't fix everything...nor does everyone want us to


sabby

(((((((((((((((((((((((((Sabby)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

did you know you are THE wisest woman on the planet????????

Love you oodles....... you're right, I'll keep my nose out lol....

TY sometimesineed tellingnot to interfere ....

((((((((((((((((((Sabby))))))))))))))))))))))))

love you, Kerry xoxoxoxoxoxoty again

Awww ((((((((((((((( jinny ))))))))))))))))) you are making me

It's easier to see from the outside looking in sometimes. And I've been thinking....you can always tell A that if she ever wants your mum to know, you would be happy to inform your mum for her......that way, you have offered your services and know in your heart you have done a good thing


sabby

Actually i did ask A. Well,i asked her if she'd like my mum to know .... and she said she was scared of my mum putting the phone down on her ..... same as me..... so i thought the letter would stop A going thru that .... A is a wonderful, caring and generous person ..... she's been such a good friend to my mum .... i will ask her again if she'd like me to let my mum know, but i think i already know the answer .....

my mother is so foolish ...... she has lost a really good friend in A, all because she couldn't get her own way .... was a 45 year friendship worth losing over a wedding that A and hubby didn't go to? It's so sad.....

ty for thinking bout this Sabby, it means a lot to me ..... love you, Kerry xoxoxoxoxoxo