[silver_moon]

O.K I know there are many people who don't get on with their loved ones parent(s)/family... but this is really affecting me and making me depression so much worse.

My boyfriends mother is an alcoholic (has been since before I knew him), she's never thought she's a alcoholic though but has recently gone to rehab (I don't know a lot but apparently she still doesn't believe she's an alcoholic and is causing a little bit of trouble). I've always kept my views of her open, when she's sober she is a lovely person but a couple of months or so ago she turned on me. She shouted and yelled at me, including telling me that I'm ruining her son's life and she doesn't want me to be with him. She's also told me that I 'simply have to get better' (I've been an outpatient at hospital for two years, they're unsure what I had and how to tackle it and this all contributed to my depression so the comment didn't go down well with me and hurt).
I know she's 'ill' and I shouldn't take stuff to heart, but I think she's depressed too and just wants her son and gets upset when I'm with him (we're in a long distance relationship).
I know it sounds weird but I keep having nightmares about his mum, chasing me and damaging my possessions and keeping me away from her son.
I love my boyfriend to bits (there's no way I can tell him about the dreams and I don't really want to tell him how I feel about his mum, I don't dislike her, I'm just very upset that I'm not accepted by her). The problems with his mum just adds to the long list of my problems and my boyfriends. It's really starting to affect us now. I'm unsure if there'll be any way around it and it hurts me a lot.
My main problem is not being able to talk to my boyfriend about it. After all, she is his mum and he misses the sober her... I don't want him to think that I hate her because I don't.
Has anyone had similar experience and coped better than I'm doing?

I'm at a loss... I've got too many things to think about (besides this), I'm only young I'm meant to be enjoying my life

Molly

[pachyderm]

Talk to him about it as honestly as you can. Otherwise your relationship will be poisoned.

Your friendly know-it-all...

[silver_moon]

It's just knowing where to start... and how

[concerned4stepkids]

She more than likely was drunk, giving her liquid courage. She probably doesn't even remember it. If you love him and he loves you, be honest to him and talk about it, then be strong together and move on. Although she will continue to be a part of your lives, you don't have to listen to her cut you down. She is only knocking you down because of her own insecurities. Rise above, know who you are and don't listen.

[LAS112]

I've been through something very similar and what I realized is that although the mother's comments hurt, what really matters is how my fiance responded to it. Does he agree with her comments for the sake of appeasing her, does he stand up to her, does he just do nothing at all? Those are things to take into account because that is what will affect your relationship.

We've had a lot of discussions about it and in my case, although I was careful about what I said in regards to his mom, I stood my ground on what I expected and needed from him in order for the relationship to work. It took a few discussions before he finally got it. His mother will make the comments at anyone he is dating so it's not something you should take personally (easier said than done, I know. I have spent many therapy sessions talking about his mother). If you are serious about each other then he will be understanding of this and understanding of your needs. Is it possible for a T to help you talk to your boyfriend about it in a session? Talking to him certainly isn't easy, and the only way I was able to finally do it was when his mother made a comment that completely crossed the line and I got angry. If I had just been sad or hurt I would not have been able to say anything, but it was like I finally had enough. I didn't blow up at her or even at my fiance and I waited for the right time to talk to him about it, but I felt so much better after addressing it and it gave me the confidence to do it again. I also did a lot of journaling on it just to organize my thoughts and get any personal attacks towards his mother out of my system because I didn't want to bring that into the conversation.

I have to say that its how he responds really is the secret here, if he does nothing then I would back off, as it will cause you problems through the relationship.

If however he deals with it everytime she does somthing then great.

[silver_moon]

thank you concerned4stepkids, las12 and tishie

I did mention it to my councilor the other day and she said we would follow it up in our next session.
My boyfriend did deal with it well, I think. He held me and took me away from his mother to his room where he told me he wanted to get me away from the house and I shouldn't have to be put through that (at this time I jut felt an urge of protection towards him because he shouldn't have to go through it either!). I'm not hurt that he didn't tell his mother not to do what she did because I understand that he didn't want to upset his mother more and, after all, she was under the influence of drink and I'm being assured she won't remember what happened and doesn't even mean what she's saying. I don't believe this though, there must be some truth behind it? Or maybe it's just jealousy of her son being with someone else but her?
His dad took things over from there and she turned on him (again I felt awful because he has all this to deal with AND being strong for his two boys).
I've tried talking to my boyfriend before though but he doesn't want to be upset (but it's upsetting me! is all I want to scream)

Thanks for your support and advice, I will talk about it more with my therapist,
Molly