[hoguey803]

First off, Hello everyone. I have yet to read many of the posts on here but I look forward to seeing if my posts may help others, or if reading others may help me.
I don't know where to start. Im a 23 year old male who is trying to get through college (30 hours to go). I originally wanted to teach and coach. I coached for 5 years right out of high school, was working a full time job and going to school full time along with having a relationship ( 7 years even since h.s.).
The only reason I went back to school was because when my girlfriend and I got back together following a one year break up, she said " I can't see myself marrying someone without a degree, especially with how hard it is to get a job". So I went back, even though I knew I would be unhappy.
For a year, things were great! I was handling the pressure fine. About two maybe even three years in total- something felt wrong. I felt pressure from all directions but had no direction either. I was always a very happy person, I loved my girlfriend and would do anything for her. Suddenly, the long days took its tole, 7am-1am days and trying to keep a relationship was impossible. I couldn't force myself to make a choice. Coaching irritated me, I quit going to classes and my relationship suffered because I couldn't let her in. (Background info: her biological father was a depressed alcoholic who completely changed personality wise, so she didn't see him after the age of 3. I didn't want her thinking I was unstable.)
I took it upon myself and only myself to try and fix things, I never believed in medication for depression or that it would last for so long.
Essentially, out of a 7 year relationship, 3 years I was lost ( honestly the only word I can describe how I felt)and treated her horribly. I never abused her in any way, I just couldn't fix things for myself and it took a tole on her, me and us.
About 6 months ago, I felt like I "snapped out of things" I quit coaching, cut back on work and was ready to make my girl the priority she should be. The only problem was- it took too long. SHe stayed by me through thick and thin, but said things just "aren't right. I love you, but I can't do it"
This was April 6th. We took a week "break" to think, then tried again. The next day, she broke down and said "i need some space. I don't understand what you went through, and I know it wasn't fair to you, but you put me through too much".
For 6 months, we tried to fix it, sorta. All along she new things felt "different" but she knows she loves me. I felt better, and new she was what I needed. Multiple times though we drift apart and as of today, its officially over. She loves me but "not the same way I love her". she feels like she needs to "experience new things" and cannot guarentee anything.
In all honesty, I feel good, I have closure. But those "weird" feelings from that three year stretch are still around. I was taking the quizzes on here and scored a 114 on the depression quiz- severe depression. I don't know how to talk to my parents about this. I have two semesters of class left but have no desire to finish- i never have, I only went back for her. I've honestly thought of ways to "get in an accident, or something" whether it was swerve off the road or something- something that looks accidental. These thoughts have been going on for about 4 months.
I have thought a lot lately of moving away from everyone because I don't know how to face them. All though my ex-girl says she cannot guarentee anything in the future, I still since doubt in her decision but I can't keep putting myself through this. I've also thought of joining a military branch just because I feel like life is going no where and if something were to happen to me, at least i'd be serving my country.
I know this is a huge mess. I apologize, but if anyone has been through this, please help! Anything!