[Kiya]

I am at a point in my life where my being realistic and honest about myself is losing friends. I am remembering why I stopped being real with people. On the flip side (isn't there always a flip side?), I just joined a new suppot group (linked closely with AA) and have been told that "they will take me at face value" and now I am not sure what that means -other than they think i'm a user too...which I'm not... sooooo maybe they are feeling duped by me?
Sooo... it all comes back to the same end - i'm crazy, i'm isolating, i hate myself, i believe i should isolate so ppl don't have to deal with my sorry ***, and if i hole up and cancel all my apnts since no one gives a rip anyway.... it will all be ok.

[darkrunner]

(((((((((((((Kiya)))))))))))))))))

I read your post...I'm sorry things are hard for you right now.
The people who don't want to know you for who you really are.....they are not worth knowing. You are a kind caring person.....anyone would be lucky to have you as a friend.

[hurtingintn]

(((kiya))) things will get better soon..just have faith and be patient hun im sorry your going through a rough time right now

[gimmeice]

(((((((((( kiya ))))))))))

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((( Kiya ))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Isolating never helps. I'm so sorry you're hurting right now. It sounds like a really confusing situation.

[sujunew]

((((((((((kiya))))))))))

[Kiya]

thanks all.... just one of those times where i feel like i'm in crisis and IRL no one will acknowledge that. they just pat me on the head like i'm their neruotic little dog and go away. i appreciate the replies.
((((((((((Sujunew, Earth, Gimmie, Hurting, KTgirl))))))))))))

[multipixie9]

dear kiya, you seem to be feeling really angry. i can see why. i hate feeling like i can't be myself. i would rather be alone than feel forced to behave like some phoney person. i just do not do a good job of pretending to be something i am not.

i guess i'd rather be open and transparent and deal with the unpopularity of that behavior. it suits me better than fake nonsense.

hang in there, kiya, for all it may be worth, i really like you and hope you will just not let this get you down. hugs!

leslie and the pixies

[Fuzzybear]

((((((((((((((( kiya )))))))))))))))

[Kiya]

(((((((((((multipixies, fuzzie)))))))))))
Thanks... called md like i am sposta and totally messed up my message. said this is stupid, same thing different day, that don't want to have to call any more cuz it's pointless and i go between chaos/crisis and apathy and i am in crisis mode and... i couldn't remember anything else. you're right - i was angry... but it didn't translate. i couldn't say that i hate how no one take my body complaints seriously because it is always just "emotional" and that i don't want to have to be seen any more since it is so pointless.
After that an alter of mine processed some heavy stuff (in Abuse forum) and then i felt calm only after all that. @_@ i hate this journey.

[sujunew]

(((((kiya)))))
hope you're feeling a bit better, and a bit more settled now. The journey you're on is tough; stay strong.

[Kiya]

Thanks Sujunew.
I saw MD and she said nothing about my being in crisis... other than "I got your check-in message, eh?" *nodding in that way that says I know more than I am letting on*. So she asked me what was worst of all my physical complaints. Now knowing what I will be told if I say any of them, I said "It's all Emotional!!! (getting slightly hysterical) So it doesn't matter!!!" She looked at me from the side and said, "You're a smart girl, yes.... it must be hard on you." @_@ *curls up in corner and cries*.

[multipixie9]

that bites, kiya, i am sorry it feels so bad. some parts of the journey are just awful, but the only real way out is through the middle. no other way works, it just delays the inevitable.

that is not comforting to tell you that, but if you keep plodding through you will get through and get healing. you will!

we care. we do we do!!!

leslie's scared pixies

[sujunew]

Originally Posted by Kiya

She looked at me from the side and said, "You're a smart girl, yes.... it must be hard on you."

I HATE that more than anything- when ppl say about how 'smart' you are... it makes NO diff how 'smart' you are, or what sort of education you have had, not coping and struggling in our journeys is hard on ANYONE... And it must be even worse when your doctor says it esp when you are in the middle of a crisis... Hope you are feeling a bit better about things now, and I hope the hugs help

[SeptemberMorn]

{{{{{{{Kiya}}}}}}}} It really is the pits when no one believes you when you feel you are in crisis. It's happened to me more than once.

Just keep repeating it, though. Something is bound to happen. One thing I'd really like to get across here. Sarcasm rarely helps. I've tried that, too. It only made things worse for me. The other person can also miss the sarcasm and take you seriously. It can hurt the sarcastic person as well as the receiver of the sarcasm. I also know that it can FEEL SO GOOD! Do it where no one important hears you, though. Get it out by yourself or with someone you are comfortable talking to about what's going on, just let them know you are being sarcastic.

Hang in there!

[Kiya]

Originally Posted by multipixie9

some parts of the journey are just awful, but the only real way out is through the middle. no other way works, it just delays the inevitable

yes... i agree. and i am sorry you are scared. I find it interesting that we are able to care and be strong for each other, when inside we are crying and scared. at least we are on the path together.
*******hugs********
kiya

[Kiya]

Originally Posted by SeptemberMorn

{{{{{{{Kiya}}}}}}}} It really is the pits when no one believes you when you feel you are in crisis. It's happened to me more than once.

Just keep repeating it, though. Something is bound to happen. One thing I'd really like to get across here. Sarcasm rarely helps. I've tried that, too. It only made things worse for me. The other person can also miss the sarcasm and take you seriously. It can hurt the sarcastic person as well as the receiver of the sarcasm. I also know that it can FEEL SO GOOD! Do it where no one important hears you, though. Get it out by yourself or with someone you are comfortable talking to about what's going on, just let them know you are being sarcastic.

Hang in there!

I think i was more hysterical than sarcastic. She's been telling me for a year that my pains are emotionally caused (and they must be because 4 other drs couldn't find cause and gave up on me). But I think it also showed her more than anything that I'm not doing so well. She wants me back in 3 weeks instead of 8 and the way she talked to me more directly, i think i was finally heard. I didn't know how else to say it.

[Kiya]

Sujunew... yeah, it is both - one of those fun times of holding two opposing emotions at once around a person of authority I trust and care about. MD acknowledged that i am having a hard time as well as my getting her about how my symptoms are due to trauma. I think we may be at a new level of working together.... I hope. It is frustrating, and i told her that. It's such a catch 22; i can't get well until I heal the trauma, and i can't heal the trauma w/o triggering terribly - which amplifies my symptoms. Maybe there will be a break through for me soon...

[SeptemberMorn]

Kiya, I went to an AA meeting one time because she was going to give a talk. She needed transportation and I wanted to hear what she had to say.

She told me that if they asked for "my birthday", they meant when did I get sober. She advised me to lie. They feel very uncomfortable with people that aren't addicts. They'd rather you weren't there. I've never had a problem with chemical or other kind of abuse.

So, if you aren't an addict of any kind, that's why that "core person" said not to count on making friends. It wasn't about you, it was about the group.

Hope that makes you feel better.