[onlymedid]

So, my BF and I just got into a "discussion" because I said "no" to the question of whether or not I wanted a backrub (which usually means he wants sex). Immediately he started tearing up and said, "Ok, it's ok". Well, obviously it wasn't or he wouldn't have gotten upset.

Keep in mind, I NEVER say no, usually I am one to give in just to try to keep an argument away. For the first time in a VERY long time I said no and it was as though I was in trouble. I never should have said no. I just should have given in. I feel like dirt right now because of this. Growing up I could never say no and he is the one person I should say no to and feel ok about it.

I know he needs sex more than I do, but I should be able to say no once in a while, right??? I could go years without...literally, but he can't go a few days without.

I am sitting in my room right now and he is in the living room. He just came in and was sort of playing, but I am not in the mood for it. I feel like I did something wrong. We talked before and he told me that he WANTS me to say no if I don't want to do something, but when I do this is what happens.

I am at a total loss. I have NO clue where to go from here. Do I just go out into the living room like nothing happened? Do I just ignore him? I feel like no matter what I do it isn't going to make ME feel better.

Anyone have any ideas???

Thanks,
BJ

[pachyderm]

Wait. That's my idea. Wait it out. You did nothing wrong.

[onlymedid]

Originally Posted by pachyderm

Wait. That's my idea. Wait it out. You did nothing wrong.

*sigh* ok, I will. Thanks for the reassuring.

[PlanningtoLive]

BJ, I have the exact same problem and my husband does the same wording of it. I get so tired of feeling pressured. I would love a backrub, but JUST the rub - it never goes that way though. If I want one, I have to give the other.

You did nothing wrong. If you're not in the mood, or whatever reason, that should be okay. I applaud you for standing up for yourself. Please don't let him upset you.

Mary Alice

[BlueFaith]

Yeah, don't feel bad for saying no. Just because he wants something doesn't mean you have to want it, too. It's good that you were able to say no to him. It's your right to say no if you don't want to do something.

[sunrise]

Definitely I think you should be able to say no and it should be OK. Maybe he really is OK with it and it is just you who are feeling awkward, like you feel you should always please him. This is a common pattern in women as we are often socialized to be caretakers and give people what they want and need. You say later he came and started playing. I'm not sure what that means. Just kidding around, being in a good mood, etc.? Or were you thinking this is playing as in a prelude to wanting sex? I think if it's him just joking around, that he is trying to show you that he really is OK with your saying no. And he tried to reassure you that he wants you to be able to say no. So to me, it sounds like he really is OK with or is trying hard to be. Could it be that it is you who are feeling the pressure to please and that is coming from within yourself?

I will add that I have often been in the situation where the shoe is on the other foot. In my marriage, I was the one who usually wanted sex and my H didn't. (He just didn't have much of a libido.) Early in our relationship, it was very hurtful to me to keep going to him and trying to initiate sex and having him be totally uninterested or not in the mood or just plain unresponsive. It made me feel bad about myself, like there was something wrong with me that he didn't want to have sex. So if you are turning him down, it can really help to give him some reassurance so he doesn't feel rejected or bad about himself. Like, draw him near and say you are just really tired, but you're sure you'll feel differently after a good night's sleep, and give him a kiss to let him know you still love him despite not wanting to have sex at that moment.

[onlymedid]

Trigger for mention of childhood abuse and SU threat.

Wow! You all are very insightful and somewhat spot on with the reasoning! I talked with him and found out that I have a really twisted outlook on sex and he feels that my saying no meant that I didn't find him attractive or I didn't love him. I told him that it is just that I view sex as something to do as compensation or to get something I want. This all has to do with being abused as a child. I would do something so that I could stay up later or so I could have ice cream, etc.

He views sex as an intimate connection between two people who have deep love for one another. He sees sex as something special, something that is an honor to do with a lover. So, yeah...we have completely different views of it.

I am so glad, though, that I am not the only one with this problem. It is nice to know that saying no once in a while should be ok. I told him tonight that he once told me that he wants me to say no, he acknowledged that and then told me that it wasn't that I said no, it was that he felt I didn't find him attractive.

I was DEFINITELY feeling the need to please. I usually do. I felt bed for not doing what he wanted and for saying no. His playing seemed a sort of way to 'wave the white flag'. I wasn't having it so he went away.

He got really upset at one point and was going to walk to the park and take a bunch of pills (I found out as we talked). He feels that all he does is hurt people, but he is (honestly) one of the nicest, kindest, warm hearted, well-meaning people I have ever met. I told him that we need to find him a T so that he can feel better about life.

So if you are turning him down, it can really help to give him some reassurance so he doesn't feel rejected or bad about himself. Like, draw him near and say you are just really tired, but you're sure you'll feel differently after a good night's sleep, and give him a kiss to let him know you still love him despite not wanting to have sex at that moment.

Thank you so much for that suggestion. I couldn't figure out how to let him down gracefully, so to speak. That is a great idea!

I am feeling much better now, as is he. I am really grateful for all of your support and suggestions! I just love PC!

BJ

[multipixie9]

like you onlymedid, my views on sex are very messed up by abuse of various kinds.

ive been married 28 years and feel sunrise had great advice.

my spouse said to me once, when we got into a discussion on intimacy "men see sex as their way of saying they love us". this of course drives me nuts after my upbringing of incest and other abuses. so he feels when he is initiating sex he is saying "i love you by being intimate".

however, i would "feel" more loved if he would cuddle me or rub my back without anything coming after that but sleep!

i know, i know, dream on! rats!!! i never got cuddles that were just affection. i either never got cuddles period or i only got touched as prelude to sex from a very early age.

everything i ever read said "communication is the big deal". keep talking to each other and it really will help to check with each other and see "if what you heard was really what they meant" and see if they heard what you said the way you really meant to communicate.

sadly, bottom line is that most men equate sex with love and with respect for them. if you say no, men usually take it personal unless you confirm that they are secure enough to NOT equate your acceptance of their sexual overtures as the measure of your love for them.

i truly hope to become healed enough to finally discover the joy of intimate sex with my mate, but right now i can comply in sex without flashbacks but feel like i could go a LONG time before i miss sex.

[onlymedid]

Originally Posted by multipixie9

however, i would "feel" more loved if he would cuddle me or rub my back without anything coming after that but sleep!

Maybe you need to tell him that you feel that way. Does he know what you need? My BF didn't know that I wanted that until I told him. He told me that he wasn't psychic and he needs me to tell him what I like.

i know, i know, dream on! rats!!! i never got cuddles that were just affection. i either never got cuddles period or i only got touched as prelude to sex from a very early age.

I never had affectionate cuddles unless it was a prelude to something, too. It is hard because I want to be able to be with my BF without feeling like he is just cuddling or caressing my hair or talking sexy to "get some". I told him that I hate that every time we cuddle or become intimate in any way, it always leads to sex. I would just like it to be cuddling!

everything i ever read said "communication is the big deal". keep talking to each other and it really will help to check with each other and see "if what you heard was really what they meant" and see if they heard what you said the way you really meant to communicate.

I try so hard to realize that what he said may have not been what he meant, but sometimes I slip up and go into having conversations inside my head and it feels like I am really having the convo with him. It's weird, it's like I am having the convo with him in my head and going over every possible scenario. Sometimes, after thinking to myself, I will be talking to him and say something like, "you said this" and he says, "no I didn't" and I realize that it was all made up in my mind. So, I am working on this one!

sadly, bottom line is that most men equate sex with love and with respect for them. if you say no, men usually take it personal unless you confirm that they are secure enough to NOT equate your acceptance of their sexual overtures as the measure of your love for them.

i truly hope to become healed enough to finally discover the joy of intimate sex with my mate, but right now i can comply in sex without flashbacks but feel like i could go a LONG time before i miss sex.

Yeah, I know. I wish that sex was not even a part of relationship health. Like, sex was just something you do when you want to have a baby, but that is the only time you have to do it. I told my BF that I don't think I would ever miss it. He said, "never?" and I told him, "well....maybe sometime, but I went without for 5 years and didn't miss it". He couldn't fathom it!

I guess it is now just up to time and communication to see where things go from here. I told him we could make a schedule once a week so that I KNOW when he is going to want to do something, but decided that just sounds silly.

He is now leaving it up to me to initiate if I want to do something, but him approaching me is not out of the question completely as I told him, "If you leave it up to me, I won't approach you!" So, we are now taking it slowly.

Thanks for all the ideas, help, input and caring. It helps so much.


BJ