abusive relationships

I joined this forum roughly a year ago. At the time I was in an emotionally abusive relationship and I have since moved on.

At the moment, a friend of mine is in a similar situation. She's 18 and been dating her 18 year old b/f for more than two years by now. He is prone to obsessive jealous behaviour, of which I have been whitness to, and quite disturbing I might add.

After the last incident, she ended her relationship with him. At which point he began to cry and admitted that he had a problem. He's since gone to several therapy sessions. In her opinion, he seems to have made "progress" after only a few sessions. She's since returned to him.

I feel trapped because she and I have become extremly close since the beginning of our friendship. Part of me wants her to leave her b/f with his history of verbal and emotional abuse, and start a relationship with me. When she went back to him, it really hurt. But from what I've read, and what I experienced a year ago, I understand how she might be locked into an abusice relationship. I don't want to come between her and him, if he can work through his problems I'm sure they'd be really happy together.

My question's are:
1. how often do abusive people reform with therapy?
2. if he's in therapy at age 18, what can she expect for the future?
3. how can I as her friend show my concern without being intrusive or seem jealous myself?

this forum has been a big help to me in the past and I am forever greatful to those that can offer any incite on my current situation.

Sincerely, Jess

jess, those aren't easy questions to answer about his recovery in t. t has done wonders for me, but it also depends on what may be going on with him and how easy it is to treat. i have to say, wow, if he's in therapy and did it willingly at 18...that says alot about his desire to do well in life and with others.

i would be there for her as i have been in the past ONLY if it weren't hurting me. i would move on romantically and wouldn't consider a relationship with her for at least six months after they've broken up...if that happens. six months would show that they're probably broken up for good, and you wouldn't want her on the "rebound". i could be wrong. i'm older and it may just be age talking here.

i think you're a wonderful person to be there for her when she hurts. however you have to protect yourself emotionally too. i wish you so well on this one...it's a toughie.

kd

Jess,
It is very difficult for people who abuse to stop being abusers. I work with battered women so I see lots of this every day. It takes a lot of work and therapy and above all else it takes a real effort on the part of the abuser to WANT to change.
There is not set time for someone to stop abusing. It can take months or years. Is he still in therapy? He cannot think that by going to two or three sessions that he will be better.
Be there for her..that is all that you can do. If you push her to get out of this relationship then you might lose her as a friend because she will feel pressured. She needs to be able to make her own decisions with her life. If she is in an abusive relationship then she probably does not get to make too many choices about her life as it is.
He can change, but it will take time and it does not always happen. If you want to help get the numbers for your local domestic violence centers for your friend. They can provide resources and counseling for you. If you like I can try to get them for you area.
You are a good person for wanting to help her.

Jessica

thanks to all who shared their thoughts.

I don't know if he is to be commended on seeking help at this point. He never admitted to having a problem until he was convinced she was leaving. Even then he began therapy to try and get her back, not to help himself. It seems very manipulative to me, or maybe that's just my own inadequacies talking.

It's been almost a month since his last therapy session. He stopped because the holidays got too busy. According to her, he plans on going back soon. And she's supposed to go with him to at least one of the therapy sessions.

As KD said, it is a toughie. I just can't understand why someone would return to a potantially volatile situation with all the risks involved, when there's the potential for a nurturing and loving relationship elsewhere.

Abusive behavior is like, mmm, an addiction (?), people that recover are always prone to "go back|". It is like an alcoholic that has to conscientiously "choose not to drink" for the rest of their life. I hardly ever becomes "natural" not to drink, just like it hardly ever becomes "natural" not to abuse.
I'm not sure I'm ilustrating correctly what I am trying to say, I hope you get what I'm trying to say here.

Well I will have to Gloria, This is a hard subject. I myself have been going though some of the same stuff. He is good for a while then right back to normal. I dont ever think he relizes how wrong he is.
The best of luck!
Whisper

I believe understand what you're saying Gloria. My father was an alcoholic for most of his adult life. No amounts of reasoning on my families behave, or trips to the hospital could convince him that drinking was killing him. Eventually, he had a seizure brought on by elevated blood glucose levels. After a lifetime of drinking and denial he had acquired Type 2 diabetes.
It took three months in a detox center and a suspended drivers' license before he was able to gain control of himself, and I am proud of him for that.

I think it takes a lot before people in addictive situations snap out of their cycle.

Logic would dictate that if you're in an abusive situation, get out. Happiness, without the periods of abuse, can be found elsewhere. "Chasing the dragon" is a term I've heard to describe drug users that try to relive their first high and become addicts in the process of doing so. Addictive relationships are not different, in my opinion.