[mattd]

Sorry if this gets long, not very keen on writing it anyway, I tried on another forum a while back and I just ended up with generic "no contact, move on" answers - which I understand and respect but weren't really what I was looking for - but feel free to answer away.

If anyone wants more story feel free to ask, I won't write it here to try and keep it short.

Broke up with my girlfriend of a year and a half plus back at the very end of July, we're both uni students, were best mates for the first three weeks of uni and eventually ended up together. It was incredible, all the usual stuff... anyway we broke up, we've always been very close so it wasn't a horrible or 'angry' thing and we both still chat regularly (even if we didn't we wouldn't have much choice, we have always shared the same friend group etc).

Anyway, it was my 23rd birthday back in October and my housemates got me stupidly drunk to celebrate, my ex, Sarah, was there and we ended up talking. I have no idea what I genuinely cannot remember but something she said upset me and I ended up stupidly punching a wall, snapping my finger in half and have since had surgery to place a metal plate in there. This was over a month ago and I regret it more than anything, I pushed things between Sarah and I even further apart and ruined friendships with a few people in the process. The week after this I had pretty rough, I spent my birthday on my own and most of that week on my own and ended up turning to alcohol.

So over the last month I have picked myself up from this and I have done everything I can to catch up with uni work and to attempt to repair my relationships, both with my friends and with Sarah. Everything was going great and Sarah and I had been getting on great, until Monday just gone I hadn't seen her for that month since my birthday and had barely spoken to her during. She sent me a text asking to see me and to catch up so we did and it was great, we got on just like we always have, everything was fine after and we continued to after.

So Wednesday comes and she goes out with her friends, she's always said she never wanted to be with anyone else and I know/knew that and never expected her to be, not for a while anyway. As the night unfolded it ended up me heading around her house after she got home to 'see' her. As I was walking down the road to her house her bedroom light turned on, ten seconds later some guy left her house. I asked her when I got there who he was and if anything had happened and she looked me in the eye and swore that she didn't know him, I trust her so I accepted it and tried to forget it even though she was very drunk. We ended up kissing, sleeping together (we hadn't done any of this since breaking up) and her telling me she loved me again which after four months apart felt like the first time she said it. I decided not to sleep over because I wasn't so sure whether she would have wanted it to happen.

The next morning I decided to ask about this guy again now that she was sober and she told me she had 'pulled' him when she was out. This was the first time she has kissed or been remotely close to anyone since we broke up, I know her inside out and she wouldn't have lied to me about this. Obviously it hurts to think she was with someone else like that but what hurt more was that she went home with him. She is sure she had no intentions of sleeping with him, she didn't after all but I can't help but wander why on earth she went home with him, let alone 'pulled' him in the first place. It might seem silly that a simple kiss is such a big thing to me but I guess when you care about someone and have shared so much it becomes a 'big thing'.

It feels like such a step back to where I was a month ago, I fought so hard over the last month to fix so many parts of my life, from uni work to friendships, things with Sarah and to cope with my mums illness. Things finally started working out for me and this happened. She says it was a drunken mistake and I believe her, after so long together I know the kind of person she is and she wouldn't have wanted that.

I'm not really sure why I've written this, it's obviously (lol) turned out much longer than I wanted but I guess it helps to write it down. I'm just struggling to stay away from this 'bad place' I ended up a month ago. I've spent the last two days drinking stupid amounts, it's the only thing that seems to 'help' and as ashamed as I am I have considered doing 'silly' things. I know it's selfish and I know it won't help but having had so many things go wrong this year, me somehow correct them and then get constantly knocked back down again I really am beginning to wander why I bother.

Anyway, I wrote this in the relationship forum because I love this girl, completely, I've had two very hard relationships prior to her and I wouldn't have let myself go through so much or even bothered writing this if I didn't think she were worth it. We live a long, long way from each other so come June when we finish Uni unless we have reconstructed some kind of relationship or friendship we are highly likely to ever see one another again. After having her as my bestfriend and my 'lover' for so long that prospect is really not helping right now.

I don't really have any questions or anything so I doubt anyone will reply, I guess it just helps to write this down somewhere.

Thanks for reading,
Matt

[katheryn]

it sounds to me and sorry if i am wrong that you didnt want the relationship to end, she could of told you that she wasnt ready to date again but getting drunk blew that out of the window, you have to remember now that you have broken up that she doesnt have to tell you who she is seeing or not seeing, step back and think how you would react if your ex was doing this to you instead of you to her , also sounds like your feelings for her are a lot stronger than hers for you

maybe sitting down and asking each other what you want out of your friendship might help, also sleeping with her will make it harder on you to step away when shes moved on

kathy