i'm an antisocial...

there are times that people tell me i'm pretending that i am somebody else that i'm really not. i don't really know what i exactly did to make them disbelieve me. I fear socializing because i feel everyone would say I'm a Great Pretender. I always feel conscious of what i'm going to say or how i'm going to move. is there some way to motivate myself to have interest in people?

Hi
It sounds as if you already have an interest in people, by asking how to be motivated expresses an interest.
I've also had many difficulties relating to others face to face. No matter how much I want to, it's still difficult.
You mention your fears of socializing because of self-conciousness. I wonder if social phobia is a better description of how you feel. Anti social refers to someone against society. Maybe you are against it because of your fear.
My social fears led me to dislike society too, but underneath that, was an intense wanting to belong. I try not to project my fears on others. It isn't fair to them, and doesn't solve the problem.
I'm still working on this too. I think getting a clear picture of what makes you fearful will give you a list of fears to address. Then, one by one, re-evaluate the validity of your beliefs surrounding the fear. Many times our perceptions about ourselves are far from what others see.
Another thing to consider is, do you really have an interest in the current conversation? Just because everyone else seems to be enjoying it, doesn't mean you have to. We are all unique. What interests you may not interest others and vice versa. It's really a matter of finding those who share your interests. I often feel that I am the outsider, not really interested in the popular subjects. For many years it's made me feel that something must be wrong with me. But the truth is, I have my own way of looking at and dealing with things. I need to honor that. Trying to conform to everyone else "kills" the real me. We all have a gift to give the world. Being someone other than ourselves prevents us from giving it. Believe in yourself. It may be very hard right now, but we are all a work in progress. When you think about people throughout history who have made major changes to the world, they all thought for themselves. Maybe they were influenced by or studied under others, but, eventually, each struck out on their own, and "did it their way".
I have few friends and no girlfriend. I prefer the simplicity. I'm in control of my destiny and time. What I earn is mine. What I risk is mine. I have to answer to very few. (my boss, my teacher, myself) I actually ward people off. I can't find many that I feel comfortable with. Is that a reflection on them, or me? I think it's the latter. It's not that I feel "better" than anyone else, but less complicated. I'm not into "pop" stuff. I don't care about pop music, pop movies, pop past-times, pop culture, etc....... I have a different set of values. You have your own too. Find them, and treasure them

"This too shall pass...."

I have read some of your posts nowheretorun and i can relate to many of them... i now realize i have social phobia and still don't know exactly how to control it. although i seem to be able to cope just fine in certain situations.. I work as an EMT and of course i deal with the public all day long.. its what i do. I have to be able to calm and sooth others on a daily basis.. and at times i do feel that i have somewhat of a "cold heart" most things don't upset me or make me sad. This hurts me in the fact that i want to have compassion for many. These thoughts seem to come to me after the fact.. I give everyone my all and i love my job very much.. but....

i prefer to have just a few close friends and when i get more than that wanting my time and energy i tend to isolate myself and push people away... Then i wonder what the heck happened... i would love to have these people in my life i just dont really know how to do it.. I think depression has a lot to do with this also.. when im asked to go out and do things with others it sounds like a great idea at the time. when the time comes to go.. i bale out i rather just stay home by myself.
but is that what i really want? no its not.

I find myself in a conversation with somebody doing the listening and when i find something i want to say. i say it and many times have stopped myself from talking because im self-concious i worry about telling boring stories... i often think other peoples conversations are more interesting than what i have to say...

another problem that i noticed that comes with social phobia is the inability to flirt and meet men. I am an attractive woman but who's gonna be interested in a woman who has a hard time holding a conversation..

There are things that I am very confident about, I am confident about my overall role in life, I do feel a good sense of self worth, I would pretty much do anything for another person...

lost and confused

Hi 1Eleven
First I have to say I'm sorry. I know social phobia is hell. How long have you had it? Is it possible for you to see a psychiatrist? There are several medications available. I've had very good success with Zoloft. Originally introduced as an anti-depressant, sometime later it was discovered to be highly effective in the treatment of social phobia. I have the combo depression/social phobia (also known as social anxiety or SA), and having one med treat both makes a big difference in the wallet (or purse).
The psych doc will give you a short test (list of questions) pertaining to your physical and emotional reactions to social events. It sounds as if you're familiar with the symptoms. You can recieve a script the same day. There are side-effects of the meds to consider and you should ask your doc for the specifics. Don't worry, you won't grow an extra head!
I wonder if some of what you feel at work is not apathy, but numbness to less serious tragedy. It would be understandable in someone who sees trauma on a regular basis. Does your service offer counseling to you for such conditions? I think it would go with the territory. My favorite author, Joseph Wambaugh, a retired LA police officer, mentions "emergency service burnout" in several of his books. If you reflect on your feelings, even after the fact, you do have compassion. Lack of compassion or empathy is not a feature of SA. Difficulty connecting to others is. But as you know, it's not for lack of wanting to.
I understand fully what you mean about not wanting to talk because of the fear of being boring. I'll have to ask my therapist if that is part of SA, but I have it too. The main feature of SA as I understand it is the fear of doing or saying embarrassing things to such an extent that social interaction is diminished. To be seen as boring would be embarrassing for me. I could aslo connect that fear to a fragile self-esteem.
I often feel that others are more interesting, entertaining, animated, expressive, etc...... Though I know I should never compare myself to others, I can't seem to apply it. I want to be funnier, smarter, more interesting than I am. I used to be that way. A few traumatic events in my teen years changed me, but the memory of how I used to be haunts me always.
I'm hopeful that I will finally get a handle on it this time around.
I really identify with you about meeting, dating and flirting. I just don't. It's not an answer, but whenever I find myself in a potential situation, my nerves skyrocket and no matter how I try, no words will come. If they do, they sound dull and boring to me. I think the panic I feel is remembering "all the other times" and crap, it just happens again.
I've noticed a change though with the Zoloft. Do you ever feel like one problem you have communicating is timing? Like, someone says something, and you race for a response, sometimes blurting it out without thinking it through, or, the opposite, by the time you figure out what to say, the subject has moved on? With Zoloft, the timing is corrected. That or that initial panic is not there and I just feel more calm about thinking my answers through.
I've been prattling on for hours. (hope I'm not boring you). I'm glad you came on. It's great to have others to share with. It sounds like you definately do have some wonderful qualities. I hope you find a way to help you deal. I've used meditation and breathing exercizes with some success. I also use visualization to rehearse successful experiences. Because of our phobia, our self-esteem is lowered and positive affirmations and self-talk can help with this. But most of all, if you can, check into the meds. I don't know how it works, but it does.
Also, I've recieved a huge benefit from being able to come here and "talk". It is a way of socializing without the pressure of face to face. I've found that I'm coming more out of my shell because of the great support and kindness of everyone here. I hope you will make this a regular stop too

"This too shall pass...."

Nowheretorun-Thank you for your wonderful response... Years ago when i was oh around 15 or 16 i was taking zoloft, From what i remember it worked great. i dont know why i ever stopped taking it. My next stop will be to get back on it!
Thanks again and i plan on dropping in often

mel

good, I'm glad to hear it

"This too shall pass...."