[beth_ann_03]

hello...
i have been having trouble lately with a situation that i would like some advice on. i have been engaged to a man for three years (we are in college and waiting until we graduate to get married). the wedding is scheduled for december of this year and i am starting to get very nervous. he is a wonderful person and i love him very much, but i am afraid that the passion is gone in our relationship. he is so affectionate towards me, but i do not return his affection readily. i love him, but i am not sure if i am in love with him. i don't want to make a mistake, but i don't have much time to make my decision. what should i do? is it normal to lose passion for someone? or is it a mistake to marry someone that you feel like this about??? please help!

thanks

[polly7]

Hi Beth Ann,

I'm not here often, but saw your post and wanted to reply. I believe that if you have any doubts at all about the important step you're about to take, you owe it to yourself and your partner to get to the bottom of this. Maybe talking to a relationship councilor - either alone or together? Probably alone at first would be easier for you.

My son recently went through the same thing and ended up breaking off the relationship - I'm definitely not saying for you to do this! - but he now believes that it would have been a terribly unhappy marriage for him. He felt horribly guilty about it, but I thank my lucky stars every single day that he had the courage to do what ended up being best for both of them. I admit I do miss his fiance - a lot - but she's since remarried and doing extremely well.

I guess my point is that you do need to talk to someone you trust about this, and not to feel selfish, or guilty.........

Life is too short.

Best of luck to you with whatever you choose to do.

[Peanut61]

Mothers have often given this advice when it comes to marriage: When in doubt, don't! I've followed that advise, but have yet to know whether I made the right decision. I guess I would say = you are pretty young yet to 'settle'... . I don't know; I feel like a hypocrit saying these things to you, because I have given up on passion, and I don't know that the fact that I'm 20 years older than you are makes what I've done any wiser of a course to take. I DO wish you happiness no matter what you do. :-)

[beth_ann_03]

just wanted to say a quick thanks for your reply... this is something that has been weighing heavy on me for a while and i appreciate your advice...

beth ann

[polly7]

Hi again Beth Ann,
First of all, you're welcome. Secondly though, I hope I didn't scare you with what I wrote. I sincerely do believe that you need to talk to someone, but don't want you to think there may not be some very understandable reasons for how you're feeling. ie. stress, worry, fatigue, etc. I'm sure you realize that most relationships have passion ups and downs -and as long as you're in a loving relationship with friendship, trust, nurturing, compassion, happiness - what you're feeling may be very temporary.

Maybe also talk to as many trusted people as you can about their own relationships?

Hopefully others here will give you some feedback too.
Stay safe

Polly

[bunnyape]

You've been with your boyfriend long enough for the initial passion to cool down -- that's so normal. All relationships go through such stages. Don't let THAT be the deciding factor. What else have you got going for you with him? Do you find him downright unappealing now, or is it simply that the fireworks have dimmed a little or a lot? I can't help you decide whether he's the right one for you, but please don't make a decision only because you feel time pressing. Maybe a smaller wedding, later on, would give you time to think about this and get more input. And to talk openly with him! A good friend of mine went to her boyfriend's house to break up with him for the same reasons you describe, and his response was so understanding, so vulnerable and so supportive, that she changed her mind and now they're getting married in a couple months and they seem like a really good couple.

Susan K. Perry, Ph.D.
<A target="_blank" HREF=http://www.BunnyApe.com/lovinginflow.htm>http://www.BunnyApe.com/lovinginflow.htm</A>
Author of <font color=red> LOVING IN FLOW: How the Happiest Couples Get and Stay That Way </font color=red>

[lonelyone]

I, too, married someone that I wasn't sure I loved 17 years ago. He "swept me off my feet." He talked about marrieage on our 3rd day. We were engaged 4 months after that and married within our first year of meeting each other. He seemed like the perfect "catch." He had a law degree, had his own business, came from a "good" family, was good looking. My family was "proud" that I was marrying an attorney and didn't question why he was rushing me to the alter. On my wedding day, I looked at myself in the mirror and thought I looked like the cat who swallowed the canary. But then I asked myself, if he were to get killed or die tomorrow, how would I feel. You want to know what I answered? Nothing, I would feel nothing. But, alas, it was too late. I got so caught up in planning the wedding I didn't think too much about our relationship. Things went okay for a while, but then gradually downhill. He is an alcoholic, he blows money on everything, he has a temper, calls me names in front of the kids, says I'm worthless because I don't have a fulltime job. He's completely changed. I cannot stand him. I stay for the kids' sake. If I were to divorce, they would suffer financially. We really don't have any money.

My point is, if you're not ready, don't do it. Don't worry about the wedding deposits. If you don't have those "feelings" for him now, they'll only get worse. Don't waste your life and bring innocent children in it. Good luck