[ihateit]

I'm back! <--- Not feeling that way tho ---> is really how I feel. Again some of you have read my story, read my V-Day post, but...I am really finding it hard to cope.

My wife and I are "fine", for the most part. She says she loves me as much today as she always has. Today she started her CBT for PTSD...she's been distant, no intimate emotion (not talking sex) for over a year, lies, faking...I know it's the disorder, and I have this "Me" thing, which I am really trying hard to get over. I understand (I can't empathize because it didn't happen to me, but I do try and put myself in her shoes) and am trying very hard to support her as she goes through this, and the CBT isn't gonna be easy for her, as I suppose it woulnd't for anyone.

Now my T says I should do CBT as well (I'm Anxiety/Panic for the past 17 years with a few phobias thrown in to boot). I have problems with not being able to stop my ever thinking mind, with things like, why she doesn't call back right away, why doesen't she email or text back right away...I KNOW IT'S NOT HER, I know it's not realistic 99% of the time to even do that on a normal day. Like today, I texted (is that a word?) her and just said I love you. Nothing, nothing...waited about an hour and called her for something else, and then I had to ask, did you get the text, she said yeah but she just got back, and had gone to get a mocha...I was like what, you couldn't stop for two seconds to text back, you had to stop, get outta the car, etc., to get the mocha, she said she "forgot"...she was thinking about her homework for tonight for CBT. Ok, I can accept and understand that, but my mind goes through a million things why she didn't text back for an hour or so, I dunno, it's sooooo stupid I know, but...there it is.

She's detached, from me and even from the kids...it's the disorder, I know it is...but I am finding it very hard, my mind won't stop racing with bad thoughts. My T said don't stop them, let them come and tell yourself you'll be ok...yeah, that worked, and then he says concentrate on real stuff, not things about your wife that make you really anxious (I had to take 5 klonopin 1mg, in 4 hours the other night to just calm down). That doesn't work either, maybe for a minute or two, but then my mind is like on autopilot and shifts back to the bad thoughts.

Thing is I know none of my thoughts are real, she's not leaving me, she's not cheating on me, she does love me, the kids, etc., etc., etc...but why can't I make them stop. When I ask her a question and she hesitates, I wanna scream, "Why can't you answer without hesitation!?!?!" But...I can't and won't do that. I try to stop asking questions, but they come and if I don't ask, I will drive myslef crazy thinking about it. I just want it all to stop. Ok, rant done for today, thank for lettin me rant!

[turquoisesea]

(((((((((((((((((ihateit)))))))))))))))))))