[ihateit]

I wear my heart on my sleeve. My emotions come easily, and I express them with no problem. Sometimes I wish I could supress them, be a little more in control of them, but...that's just not me.

Yesterday...Valentine's Day, well duh, we all know that. For me, and I know, wahh, cry, whine, but I have to put this somewhere, this V-Day was the worst I have ever known.

I have been with my wife for almost 11 years now (8 May is our 11th together, 10th wedding anni). I know a lot of you know my story and have read other posts in the other forums of this site I have posted.

This V-day was the first time in 10 years with my wife, that her and I didn't make love. I know, it sounds trivial. Maybe there is too much "me" in this? I know her problems, I understand them, I am doing what she asks and supporting her 100% to help her get better, yet that doesn't stop the fact that it really, really hurt. If you know me and have read my posts, to me, with my wife, we don't have sex, we make love, intimate soul bearing, becoming one...so really I could care less atm about sex in and of itself.

I couldn't sleep, I had to take 3 colonpin just to get my heart rate down and be relaxed enough to fall asleep (after 2am, we went to bed at 11:30). The darkness was...not frightening, but not a comfort. I turned the hall light on and cracked our door...I had nothing better to do but look at her in her beauty and peacefulness as she slept. Again, not thinking anything sexual in particular, just thinking about her and I, mostly her. She rolled over and opened her eyes and went, "uhn", lol...don't know if she'll remember or not. She hates it when I watch her sleep, but I couldn't help it.

It's also hard for me to get over things quickly at times...sometimes it's not. At this, it's gonna hurt for a while...and hell, if things go they way they are, what's our anni gonna be like? I hate to think...I wish I didn't think, I wish I could shut down, like my wife says she can, and just not think of anything...I can't do that, my mind constantly has something to do, and lately it's not been doing good things.

Oh well, I guess that's my rant for today, thanks for listening guys!

[AAAAA]

I'm sorry that you're feeling bad. It's hard to be in the rebuilding stage of your relationship.