[seeking]

I have not posted for a while. Had been going for therapy and trying to get to know myself better so that I can deal with my situation and emotions. There are benefits to therapy but it is a hard and cruel journey. I seem to cope fine at times then my husband does or says something that really throws me. It takes me a while to get going again.

I have realised that he is manipulative and controlling to the extreme. 4 weeks ago he told me that my daughter (26) could not live with us for a short while when she changes country as well as jobs. This caused a huge bust up and we did not speak to each other until a few days ago.

I have subsequently realised that he has the emotional intelligence of perhaps a 9 year old. He has unresolved issues about our relationship and lashes out at me in this hurtful way.

A few days ago we had sex, I suppose for the simple need of it. In his mind everything (including what he said about my daughter) was ok and fine again after sex. By the time we had sex the 2nd time he started talking with me again as if nothing happened at all! (and never discussing the issue). I never before realised that some men are so basic. Shag them and the world is paradise again. He has completely forgotten about the real issue at hand. The issue of him denying me my daughter in my house. What pains me the most, (and I don't even think he gets it) is not the fact that he doesn't want my daughter in our house. It is that he deliberately wants to hurt me. (By the way, he denies me this while his 18 year old son is still living with us - now what would you call that????)

But nevertheless we were talking and I was biding my time for the right opportunity to tell him how I feel about what he said.

This morning he barges in on me and just tells me to make a holiday booking for a specific date. He did not discuss it with me before the time, did not ask if I am interested in going to this specific place, did not ask if I am even available for that time. Simply assumed that I will be fine with everything.

I made the booking (knowing very well that I will not be available due to work commitments). I tried to discuss it with him over dinner. I asked him simply: "why do you plan a holiday without discussing it with me first?" His reply was that he did not see anything wrong in it. I could write a whole dialogue on our discussion but simply put: He thinks it is ok to go ahead and arrange these things and inform me, not discuss it beforehand with me.

Our conversation ended tonight in me saying to him that I understand that he has huge responsibilities and a lot of people to take care of. I don't want him to think that I don't appreciate it. But the issues that we have are larger than us and we cannot discuss it or sort it out between us, we need help. It does not help discussing it because it will only end in arguments or a t-shirt ripping contest. I ended by saying to him that I still love him and believe that he still loves me. We invested 15 years in this relationship and I am not prepared to give it up yet until I have tried every possible solution. Throughout my monologue he simply looked at me with a miserable face. No comment. He succeeded in turning the situation around completely and making himself look and feel like the victim. Before I got up to go I asked him to think about my request to see a councelor. I got no response.

While I was working he went off to bed without saying goodnight or anything else.

This sudden change in behaviour really really baffles me. From coming home to a cooked meal and the happiness showing on his face to a miserable spleen look simply because I asked him to explain himself, is very difficult for me to deal with. It saps my strength and energy and is hurtful.

Tomorrow morning he is off on a business trip to another country and has asked me to take care of his son while he is away. He also does not see anything wrong in denying me my daughter's stay and still asking me to assist with his son.

Boggles the mind! Communication is the solution but how do you talk with someone who just sits, sulks and glares at you and makes no effort to reply?

Would it be permissible to bang him over the head with a frying pan?

I am very frustrated with him. I feel that a grown up relationship should not have to suffer such trivial matters. Adults must be able to resolve issues to the benefit of the family. Or they must get help to do so.

Thanks for listening!