[Umm_kelly]

Ok, I don't know what to say sometimes. I'm feeling really vulnerable. I feel like I need a boyfriend to be happy. Whenever I don't have one I sort of loose the will to live and be happy. All the time you've known me on this forum (not very long) I've been a strong confident person with something to fall back on. My boyfriend/bestfriend. Now I haven't heard from him in two days, which is almost unheard of for the two of us. I'm hurting a lot, and really see nothing redeeming in life right now. Don't worry, I'm not going to commit suicide, I haven't got the courage for that. I can't bring myself to hurt myself in any way. The only thing I ever do is stop eating, which I can't pull off for too long. I have endless emotional support from at least 3 people I'm good friends with, but it isn't enough for me I guess. I still feel hopeless, and I feel even more stupid for feeling hopeless. The worst part is that he doesn't understand why I feel this way. I haven't told him in exact words, but he never understood why I wanted a relationship so bad, or why I cried when he broke up with me, or why I still cry days later when I'm alone. He just doesn't see the appeal of a relationship at all. Or at least that's what he tells me. It's early to worry about this, but if he were to start dating someone else what little part of my heart that hasn't been broken would just shatter. It would be an ultimate betrayal to me. I didn't say this before, but when he broke up with me for real, and we got back together he had been on a lot of drugs at a small party in my friend's garrage. I hadn't been doing anything at all, really. But he showed up stoned, and preceeded to drink more than he should, and then snorted loratabs for the first time in his life. When I approached the subject of working things out he said he was fine, but I guess he wasn't. He didn't even remember what had happened that night the next day, so I convinced him, again, that we should try again. He brought up the fact that he was messed up when we got back together several more times in the next several days. And three days ago he said "Why do you make me be with you" at that point we "broke up" again. Not that we were really together after that night at the party. The thing is during the week that we were "together" after the party he told me he loved me a lot, and made plans with me for the weekend, and told me that I was completely awesome, and told me all these reasons he liked me. But he would randomly get in a bad mood and bring up being messed up when we got back together. I think that he's just a little boy right now. He doesn't know what he wants. He can't see beyond living with his friends for the rest of his life. I know those friends, they're my friends too, and they will eventually find girls and get married, and have kids. For all that they pretend to be against the grain, they really aren't. My ex is the only one of them who really does think differently about the world. I think that some day he's going to be alone in the house he rented with his friends, and I don't know how long from now that will be, but I hope that someday he grows up enough to realize that having a girlfriend, especially a girlfriend like me, isn't a bad thing at all. He claims to be open minded, but he isn't. He just thinks differently than most other people, he isn't tollerant of other people's thoughts and feelings. Wow, I needed to vent. Now you know the circumstances of my reunion with my ex, and the reason it didn't last. I don't think I said anything about the drugs/alcohol involved when I last posted about getting back together with him. I still want to be with him, but I know it does no good to force him. I really want him to miss me and realize that he made a mistake. When he broke up with me for the last time I told him that it was good because I didn't want to be with him anymore anyway, which was a lie. Had to get that off my chest too. This is already too long of a rant. I'm done for now. I've spent all of my computer applications class doing this instead of overdue work, and the period is almost over now.