[Locust]

I am getting tired of dealing with my friend. I really am ready to just end our relationship. I am tired of it being so lopsided. I am seriously ready to end this. For 6 months, we saw each other 4 times. That is, as you can see, less than once a month, and she lives about 5 minutes away from me. One of the four times she saw me was simply because we both attended the same wedding. Another time, she needed a ride to work. She did ask me to show early so we could talk and eat, BUT I am pretty sure, if she hadn't needed the ride, she never would have asked me to hang out before work, either. So, I don't think either of those times should even count. Then one time, I stopped by after she got out of work and stayed for a bit. However, I called and asked if I could stop in, so it was my idea. Once she asked me to hang out. Now, I blamed this on her job. She had TERRIBLE hours, and also, she saw her bf on the weekends, and he lived a few hours away, so it was their only time together.

HOWEVER, she slept every day until time to get up and get ready for work. I know she was prob. tired, but out of a whole 6 months, she could have gotten up and hung out with me some morning. AND, at night, she stayed up for awhile after she got in sometimes, BUT she didn't use it to ask me to stop by or to call me. She called her bf. I know she wanted time to talk to him, too, and I know she needed alone time or time for other friends, as well as me. I also realize that she had a busy schedule, but I still think she could have done better. On the weekends, if he came in, I thought she still could have suggested they hang out with us at least every once in awhile since she didn't have much time to hang out with anyone other than on the weekends, but she didn't. What was worse, was that it wasn't because she wanted all alone time with her bf, that she didn't hang out with me or our mutual friend. Her and her bf hung out with other people, such as his brother and his brother's gf, so it wasn't like they spent every weekend alone together. Just never with us. For 6 months. And we barely talked on the phone, either, and when we did, it was usually because I called.

So, she quit her job. I thought, great. Now we'll have more time together. We do, but almost entirely because of my efforts. She has asked me to hang out about two times since this six month period which started almost a yr. ago. So, in the last 5 months, basically, she has asked me to hang out maybe twice. And one time, I swear, I think it was just because I blew her off. When I blew her off it was not because she asked to hang out with me. It was because our mutual friend asked us both over. I said I might come, but I didn't because I had other plans that I had already made beforehand to go to an event. I couldn't postpone it because the event would be over later. And she wasn't working so she should have been able to hang out later. And I already had plans to meet someone else that night at the event. I wasn't sure that I could go, so I said I might hang out with them, but then I found a way to go to the event I'd been planning on for awhile, and I went. I think this threw her, so she asked to hang out the next day. So again, only one of those times should count.

Usually if she calls me, it's because she is returning a call of mine, WHEN she bothers to return my calls. And other than that, she never calls me hardly at all, if at all. I do all the calling. She does, however, talk to me after I call. She also does not ask me over or out. But she will go out when asked sometimes. However, it feels very one sided. I am embarassed putting forth all this effort for someone who returns no effort.

On my birthday which came during this period, I was not able to get up with her on about the day before.....I wanted to stop and talk to her about trying to figure out what I was going to do the next day for my bday. She was gone. I understand it wasn't my bday and I didn't give really advanced noticed, but I thought if she was going to be somewhere I could not contact her the day before my bday, she should have called to ask if I had plans BECAUSE I am a last min. type person sometimes, and since it was a Friday there was the possibility I would have something I wanted to do that day instead of the next day. I was trying to decide what to do the next day and could not get a hold of her. Next day came, and she did not show up until later that day. She stayed for an hour or two maybe then left, and she never called earlier that day to see if I had plans. For all she knew I wouldn't even be home. I could not contact her to tell her if I wanted to go out with friends either the night before, nor all day that day, because she was over at other people's house. And she explained to me she had stayed with them for such and such reason, but really the reason was lame compared to hanging out with your friend on her bday after you dissed her for that many months on end.

Then recently, I asked her if she'd help me with something. She said sure, and I asked was she positive it was cool. She said YES. Well, for a week, she constantly was either gone (usually to bingo as she is an addict) OR she would make an excuse not to do it or she would agree to do it, but then never bring it up and if I did, she'd put me off or be unresponsive until it got to late then say sorry she couldn't at that hour, but she promised she would the next day. I gave her numerous chances to back out and she never did.

It is embarassing to me to act like I care so much when the other person acts like they don't. It makes me feel pathetic and vulnerable. Anyway, I also worry I am annoying her. Yet, she is talking when I call usually and often going out with me, so it confused me. Part of me is scared of abandonment and also HATES feeling vulnerable with someone when they act like they don't care about me, and has been thinking I need to not speak to her again unless she takes the initiative to contact me.

But then we had a talk about these inner parts of ourselves. I told her that this one part of me sometimes tried to tell me I needed to shut down emotions and not care about others. She said she felt this way about new people, and felt she didn't want to care about anyone new. I admitted, sometimes, I want to shut down caring about people I already care about. Then, scared it might hurt her, I said, "...but not you." She said all it told her to do with the old people was to let them come to her first. That part of her said if they cared about her, they'd come to her.

I thought to myself, "Funny, I was thinking if YOU cared about ME you'd come to me at least PART of the time since I come to you so OFTEN and make such an effort, you think you'd make an effort SOMETIMES and that part of me was thinking I should put the ball in your court and never speak to you again if you didn't initiate it because I am tired of this lopsided friendship! And if I feel like you are pulling away from me, part of me wants to cut you off before you can cut me off, and being the only person trying makes me feel stupid! ACK!" But I never said that. Our mutual friend ocassionally calls her and tells her it's ridiculous that she never comes over and then demands that she does, but I don't demand these things since I feel like, if I have to order you to, you apparently don't want to. So, I called her today thinking we might talk about it, but ranted about some other things, instead. I know perhaps this bored her, and I understand that or even her wanting alone time. She said she had company so she got off for awhile, but I thought she was planning to call back. She never did. This would not be a big deal, except this crap has went on for a year.

I understand having other friends, a bf, being busy, and even being withdrawn for a month, 2 months, 3 months, but a yr. is ridiculous, and she does NOT treat her bf this way. She is also often asleep, gone to the neighbors, gone to bingo, or gone to the auction (with money she got from somewhere mysterious) when I call half the time. I know she has a life, but this is ridiculous, and since I can't get up with her tonight (no answer, and a little later, a busy tone), I am seriously thinking of never speaking to her again.

[ArianeB]

I'm sorry you are feeling disappointed by your friend locust. From your concern, I get the sense that you have maybe been friends for a long time. It sounds to me that you and your friend are on different wavelengths. Whatever the reason she may call you less and want to spend less time together, I wouldn't necessarily try to guess why. There could be so many reasons. Even if she just was busy, it sounds like her friendship style doesn't make you happy or fulfill your desire for companionship. While I know this is tough, I would try to just accept the relationship as it is - tell your friend how you feel, full out. You don't have to threaten to end the friendship, but just say: hey, with the rate at which you call me and see me, I feel that you're not supporting me as a friend, I feel you don't care about me. Then you will feel so much better because your feelings will be off your chest. Go ahead and find a friend who does give you what you need. As they say, you can bring a horse to water, but you can't make it drink.

Nevertheless, it is natural to feel hurt about this type of situation. Just remember that this relationship does not define you.

[Rhapsody]

Many friendships end over time (mine did after 23 yrs) - but it was meant to be as we had grown apart and she was asking things of me that I could not give to her with out letting my self down.

... ask your self IF this relationship is still good as it stands (what each are able to give) and then decide what to do about it.

[madisgram]

sounds like you and your friend have grown apart. i know this must make you feel sad but soemtimes this happens, locust. i guess you have to ask yourself now what's keeping you in the friendship. do you enjoy being with your friend when you are with her?
one thing you could do is sit down with her and tell her how much you value your firendship, that u miss the time together, and ask her what's going on. she may or may not give you a reply that explains all this that's been going on with you two. another approach would be to seek out new friends that you do enjoy.
hope this gets worked out. it sounds like you would really like to continue the friendship but idk if that will work out or not. my best wishes to you.