[lostnbigcity]

hello, I have written a couple of post and here I am again..well, my b/f and I have been so off and on its rediculous... My problem now is ...my 15 yr old son has brought home a "F" & " D" on his last report card..the rest of his grades are pretty good B's & C's..The b/f had grounded my son for a month now and my son is starting to show signs of frustration ..I realize that my son diserves to be diciplined but I feel the b/f is too hard on him...He never does anything with my son except for a few little chats here and there ...If the b/f was more involved with my son I wouldn't have a problem but because we live with him it's kinda hard to say anything. The b/f never praises my son and he thinks that being a drill seargent is the best form of dicipline...He never lays a hand on my son but just the tone of is voice is wrong ( I believe ) ....the b/f has never been married nor has any children but believes he has the right to dicipline my son because we are living in his home...a few months ago..my son brought home a paper stating he needed to look for a person to show him how to change oil in car, check gas gauge and to show him how to change a tire....( for auto body in school ) my son asked the b/f ...kinda made me happy that they could possibly bond alittle but the b/f had very little interest and then told my son " we will just say we changed the tire " and didnt take the time to show him...do you feel he should have the right to dicipline my son ? or am I being too hard on the b/f ? just lookin for some opinions because I am lost AGAIN ...thank you for listening

[Vlo1980]

Hello!

He does have the right to discipline your son -- and from what I've read it seems like he does have good intentions -- because you are all a family now, living under the same roof. The basic quality needed for your family to be successful is love so if he is being to hard on your son, tell him to ease up a bit, in a loving, non threatening way. Instead of berating your kid, tell him to be kind and patient with him. Let him know that it would mean a lot to you if he and your son spent more time together. That usually works much better.

I don't know how long you two have been together but it usually takes time for stepkids to accept a new "parent". It is probably better if you handle the discipline part until your b/f and your son develop a stronger relationship, and until then your boyfriend should be more concerned about being supportive of your son to strengthen their relationship.

Stepfamilies can be successful and yours is no exception! If there is real love and devotion between all of you, it will work.

Good luck!

[sunflower55]

Your b/f is teaching your son to lie to the teacher and say that they did his homework assignment when they did not. (change the tire.) Now, your son does not know how to do something that's pretty dang important for anyone to know how to do, AND he's learned from the b/f something much worse -- it's ok to lie; it's ok to lie to his teacher; and it's ok to lie to an adult. And that means, it's ok to lie to him and to YOU!
BAD MESSAGE TO SEND TO A KID!

I'm a teacher. I see lots of stepparenting. He doesn't know how, *or* he doesn't care. I cannot say which it is; I'm not there and only have this one instance to go by. But, you've said alot.

I suggest family counseling for the both of you. It may involve your son later on. But, the two of you better get on the same page and soon, or you will have one confused boy.

And you do not say if your son has any learning difficulties or anything, but, a month's grounding for two bad grades *may* be excessive if his past performance has been similar. Again, not enough information to go by. But, every high school has daily report sheets that can help you and the school keep in touch with your son's academic progress. That could turn down the heat at home.

I wish you luck!

Peace!

[RomanSunburn]

Hello!
I'm only 22 and have absolutely no parenting skills, so take my advice with a grain of salt. I'm guess my answer stems mostly from the point of view of your son...

But, I feel that your boyfriend is being too harsh on your son. I dont know how long you have been with him, and I can only assume it's been a decent amount of time since you live with him. But, in my mind, your son is your son, and his grade dont affect your boyfriend or his home. If your son was bringing home drugs, alcohol, or friends that were bad influences, or was some how misbehaving towards your boyfriend or his property, then I would agree that your boyfriend would be allowed to discipline your son. In my mind, grounding someone (especially for a month!) for doing badly in school is sending the wrong message. You want to encourage your son to learn because he wants to, not for fear of punishment. I think you need to talk to your son about the grades, and maybe figure out ways that he can do better in school. You need to make sure he's doing his homework. The fact that he's doing okay in the rest of his classes, though, leads me to believe he might be struggling with those subjects or teachers.

To summarize, I dont feel that your boyfriend should be able to ground your son for bad grades when they dont affect your boyfriend. It will build tension between them and isn't going to encourage your son to try harder. I believe you need to handle your son's grades however you feel appropriate, and your boyfriend should be supportive of you both.

I hope this helps!
Ro

[lostnbigcity]

Thank you all for your responses..I have taken my son off groundation because he has shown me that he knows what he did wrong and has made progress because I have spoken to his teachers...I believe that my b/f is hard because he wants him to be like him..My son is a wonderful son and I'm so very proud of him as I have told him so many times.I just wish the b/f would focus on some of the things my son does that is GOOD and not always the bad..for being 15 ,living in country with not much to do he will help the elderly with taking thier trash out,pull weeds and rake thier yards ...he isn't into drugs or anything else. The b/f tells me " He is smarter than that" well, I know this but I also know that grounding him for a long time causes frustration and alot of hurt....I have went against the b/f in this matter so now I have to deal with his attitude. wish me luck!