How do I move on?

I have never been in a long term relationship. I am trying to get over the guy I was with which seems impossible. I think about him constantly to the point that I cannot function. I've gone months curled up in a ball not going to school or work because I couldn't motivate myself to get out of bed.

I don't have any friends all I do is cry and scream all day. I have entertained ending it cause the pain is ridiculous. I feel like such a loser that I can't get over him. I used to be stronger than this. I know I can do better and there is someone out there more deserving of my time but the mere idea of having another guy touch me or kiss me repulses me. How do I get over this and finally move on?

I feel so weak right now that I know if he called me to get back together I would. Five minutes before I started writing this I started to write him an email the only thing that stopped me was slapping myself until I could think more clear. I have no idea what to do and need some serious help

Hi and welcome!

The best way to get over this person is to fight off the tendency to isolate yourself. Not having anybody to talk to, especially while you're going through such a tough time with heartache and all is really self-destructive. Even your health can be affected by it. I have a tendency to isolate myself too and I've noticed that something happens when we do this.. we start thinking too much about ourselves, even give in to self-pity! We weren't made to live alone so the best way for you to get over that person and to start feeling happy about yourself and your life again is to give, give, give! Stay busy, look for ways to help others, to make new friends, to make a difference in someone else's life, and you'll have absolutely no time left to think about that guy again!

I hope you get over him soon and that you find peace.

Sorry sweet heart....I know this is really though....I've been in your position so many times, but the good news is when you get older, you handle it better....
Okay...how to stop thinking about him? these are your options, meditation, join a group e.g. join an activity in meetup.com there are tons of cool people....go hiking, jogging, dancing, reading...do things that envolve meeting more interesting people....force yourself....you don't want to get crazy out of thinking him....
Another good news is that...."you don't know about future."...by not knowing about the future, you have no idea if you get back to him or you find a better guy who just make you happy....I'm sure good stuff are coming to your way....You got to be strong and stay positive....
It's good that you start this Forum, it will help you a big time....I started the forum when I was depressed breaking up with my boyfriend....and interesting that so many times we broke up and we got back together....now, I'm relaxed and not worry about him....
When you let things go, everything will be fine....for me, always, when I forget about guy, he calls me right away....sounds funny....
The other good news is that....you are human being...and human being has ability to forget things by time....so, you got to give it a time, then your memory will get faded little by little....but you have to try it too....force yourself, anytime you think about him, shift your thoughts to something else...
You can join a meditation class or go to temple if there is any close by...
I have strong feelings that very good stuff are going to happen into your life...you just have to be hopeful and paitent....let me know when they happen to you
take care of yourself...we are here to support you
Marjan

Well I've tried not to think of him but its not working. My problem is I want these feelings to go away now. I'm in so much pain and I just want it to stop. It has only been a couple of days. I can only seem to stop thinking about him a couple minutes a day and I spend all day crying. It doesn't matter where I am the grocery store the doctors office. I just start bawling. I don't know how much more of this I can take. I tried to go to that meetup site but everything there that was interesting to me required money and I don't have any. The ones that didn't ask for money was way too far from where I live meaning I would have to spend money to get there.

Oh! I'm so sorry you feel like that and I do understand why you'd feel the way you do. Unfortunately only time can erase that pain, nothing else will work. But the thing is, the busier you are, the faster you'll heal. Be patient hon, and be strong too! It is not the end of the world and you will be back to your old self in time.

I wish you the best!

I know this might sound crazy, but I have found that the best way to get over guys who aren't worth wasting our time on is to realize that we don't need guys for our self worth.

Years ago when I was in college & dating (back in the dark ages 33+ years ago...lol) I would date guys & then it wouldn't work out & try someone else,,,,,a never ending cycle.

It wasn't until I decided to make sure I was ok with myself & that I didn't need to have anyone in my life for me to be happy.....to make sure I could take care of myself without needing anyone to take care of me. Only then when I was ok enough with myself was I really strong enough to allow anyone into my life. My goal was to find a partner who was my equal in all areas of life.

The person I married, I laid this all on the line before getting married & let him know that if is wanted to be part of my life, this was the way it was going to be. Sadly, he didn't understand a word I said & I tolerated him for almost 33 years before I got to the real point where I finally left.

When I left, I have now found that person who I lost when I got married......even though I kept standing up for what I knew was right during my marriage, everything was a fight & it wasn't worth it. I realized in the long run that I really never loved him in the first place because I couldn't respect him nor his values.

There is really no reason (even though we desperately want to be with someone who cares) to put ourselves into relationships that aren't the equal support that is really necessary for a successful relationship. It is better to know the person well before throwing yourself into a relationship & hoping it will work. Give a relationship time to see the real person before giving yourself 100% to the relationship. You have to know yourself....what you are willing to put up with & what you aren't willing to put up with....don't leave it up to them.

Knowing yourself & having your values defined is the first step to having a successful relationship with someone else.

The other important thing I learned was that when a relationship doesn't work.....let go......the other person has let it go & hurting yourself won't achieve anything except misery.

Sounds cold hearted.....maybe......but I have seen the most successful relationships happen when 2 individuals are just that & come together because they want each other not because of need.

Just my 2 cents on relationships from personal experience,
Debbie

I understand completely what you are going through.. I am also going through the same thing except mine is a women... not a man.. anyway.. I dont know what advice to give you.. but what is working for me is thinking all the mean or crapy things she did to me.. to hurt me.. If I focus on the tender moments I go crazy and fall apart and cry my eyes out and want to die... so I have to keep focusing on all the bad stuff and it seems to help... but I dont know how long the pain lasts.. but I know it sucks so flipping bad... I hear you sister.. but we dont know what tomorrow will bring and life is full of possibilities even though it doesnt feel like it... I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her.. I gave up 9 years of my life for her and it was mostly heartach and pain... I know the thought of being in love and romantic with another person right now is a terrible horrible thought.. so focus on you.. all the things you ever wanted to do.. and write all the things you didnt like about them... I dont know.. but I know how much it hurts and I know how it consumes every thought you have.. It takes all i have to not text her.. or call her... I know but everyone else says with time it will get better... I guess thats all we have to go on.... cause what else can we do... I am sorry your hurting... I wish I wasnt hurting either... stay strong.. maybe write get it all out... Idont know.. you deserve better... so do I ... doesnt make it any easier...

You make a lot of sense. Letting go is the hardest thing for me to do. I don't have that many people in my life so the people I do have are hard for me to let go of. Especially ones where I am romantically involved.

You are not alone with your pain....lots of us are going through the same...
Last night...I went to his place, I needed to get my answer....after sex, I asked him...and he was clear telling me all we have is just sex...he said he wants to be free...so, I was sad...he hugged me...while he was in the shower, I left without saying good bye...I set him free and I set myself free too....Do I think about him? Yes, I do...Did I cry? yes, I did...rejection is difficult to handle....but we are adults...we got to let it go...I know, I will be sad again...but I will try and try and try....
I don't know where you live that most meetups need money...If you go for outdoors activities, there is no money envolved....you can even make your own meetup and you will be surprized seeing that how many people will sign up for it....
hey...one more thing...if you are into arts, art can ease up your pain...I do paintings, not profesionally, I don't even show it to anybody even....but that's the way I express myself, my feelings....colors...after each paints I feel great....I put music on and paint when I feel sad...and then I'm all new person....try...try anything and everything....you will find the way....hope all of us find our ways....
Another thing that helps me is reading...reading good quotes like "Tao" quotes....funny...he gave the book to me last night...He had two copies of it and he gave a copy to me....when he went to bathroom, I picked up the book and all my other belongings and I left and I felt great....I felt strong!
Plus...you don't know about future...you are saying it's just few days...wait, be paitent...probably, you guys get back together and then it's you to end up....or you will be happy ever after

I was looking into fitness groups since I gained a lot of weight due to our relationship issues. Most of the places were so far from me that it would cost money that I didn't have and the ones that were close by wanted 20 bucks or more per hour. I doubt we will get back together I said a lot of mean things to him that I shouldn't have. I'm not a very patient person by any means. He has been trying to instill that in me since we started dating but it wont stick. Maybe I'm meant to be alone. I don't want to be alone but my expectations for a relationship is probably too high for anyone to meet.

To do exercise, you don't need to be member of gym...You can just go out and run or walk my friend....
Don't beat up yourself....next time, try to learn, when you are angry, stay away...I used to be like that, when I was angry, I was telling very mean stuff and I was getting upset later on...So, now, when I get angry, I vanish and I don't see the person...I need my space, although I might be so sad, but it's better than telling things that I will regret later on...It works very well for me....
read this website, it will help you to calm down... http://aboutdharma.org/index.php/
Also, try to help others, see if you can visit an orphanage or do some charity work....You don't need to spend money for that, they just need emotional support....somebody who can listen to them and give them love and attention....You will feel better once you do positive stuff, in this way, you will create good karma for yourself....let me know about your progress....and take care of yourself....also, try to breath deeply for 10 minutes or so, meditate and you will be fine

My first rule of thumb.....don't get romantically involved unless you know it's the right person you want to spend the rest of your life with......that way you won't be getting romantically involved with someone you don't like or doesn't really like you. The reason it's hard to let go of someone your are romantically involved with is because it's supposed to be that way....romantic involvement isn't supposed to be recreational......romantic involvement is supposed to be for marriage or at least a committed relationship no matter what the new moral values state. When you put romantic involvement into a recreational setting then you need to look at it that way otherwise, one needs to hold onto the values they want to have with the romantic involvement......you can't send mixed messages & end up on the winning end.

There were many guys I dated in college that I knew weren't the right person (because of personality issues) that I never wanted to have a committed relationship with.....I would never get romantically involved with them either.....if they pushed.....I left.

If he was trying to instill patience in you from the beginning of the relationship, then that was something about you that he wasn't satisfied with from the beginning & probably knew that unless that changed in you, he would never be interested in a long term committed relationship because he would never have been happy with you. There are some things where changing to fit what the other person would like, isn't a bad thing if it is a real improvement & not just some superficial idiot idea. Like my desire for my husband to be financially responsible.....definitely not an idiot idea, but something of real value needed as a partner.

Unless you want nothing more than recreational relationships, it is important to know what you want in the other person & don't waste your time messing around with anyone who doesn't meet those criteria. It has nothing to do with expecting too much......it's has to do with what choices you want to make with your life....if you want to have a committed relationship & you don't have standards, chances are that you will end up finding so many things you don't like in the person after you have committed to the relationship that you will end up not being able to stand them. I believe that we are better off alone than committing to someone who is incompatible.

Just personal relationship views based on 56 years of watching some relationships fail & some succeed
Debbie

Debbie, I agree with you 1000% lol! Truer words could not have been spoken.

I decided to visit my old live journal site to look at my journal entries and I found this excerpt that a friend send me about relationships that I wish I read before i got into this one.

If A Man Wants You

If A Man wants you, nothing can keep him away If he doesn't want you, nothing can make him stay.

Stop making excuses for a man and his behavior. Allow your intuition (or spirit)to save you from heartache.


Stop trying to change yourself for a relationship that's not meant to be.


Slower is better.


Never live your life for a man before you find what makes you truly happy. If a relationship ends because the man was not treating you as you deserve then heck no, you can't "be friends."

A friend wouldn't mistreat a friend.


Don't settle. If you feel like he is stringing you along, then he probably is.


Don't stay because you think "it will get better" You'll be mad at yourself a year later for staying when things are not better.

The only person you can control in a relationship is you.


Avoid men who've got a bunch of children by a bunch of different women. He didn't marry them when he got them pregnant. Why would he treat you any differently?

Always have your own set a friends separate from him.

Maintain boundaries in how a guy treats you. If something bothers you speak up.


Never let a man know everything. He will uses it against you later.


You cannot change a mans behavior, Change comes from within. Don't ever make him feel more important than you are...even if has more education or in a better job.


Do not make him into a quasi-god. He is a man, nothing more nothing less.


Never let a man define who you are. Never borrow someone else's man If he cheated with you, he'll cheat on you.


A man will only treat you the way you ALLOW him to treat you.

All men are NOT dogs.


You should not be the one doing all the bending...compromise is a two street.

You need time to heal between relationships...there is nothing cute about baggage...deal with your issues before pursuing a new relationship.


You should never look for someone to COMPLETE you...a relationship consists of two WHOLE individuals...look for someone complimentary...not supplementary.


Dating is fun...even if he isn't MR RIGHT Make him miss you sometimes...when a man always knows where you are, and your always readily available to him-he takes it for granted.


Never move into his mother's house.

Never co-sign for a man.

Don't fully commit to a man who doesn't give you everything that you need.

Keep him in your radar but get to know others. Share this with other ladies...You'll make someone smile, another rethink her choices, and another woman prepare. They say it takes a minute to find a special person, an hour to appreciate them a day to love them and an entire lifetime to forget them.


Hope it helps someone else out there

I'm in the same boat as you. He was my first and only relationship. Not a good relationship though. He took advantage of my kindness and innocence. 5 years have passed and I'm still not sure if I'm over him. I'm sure that with a new relationship I"ll be able to forget but here's my bad luck: nobody is showing up, nobody is interested in me.

RUN. Right now get up, leave the computer, put on your running shoes and run. This is what I do. When he creeps into my mind I put my shoes on and I either go running, shopping, out with friends, to a movie. Just go out. Feed your mind with other things. Fill it up so that there is no more space for his image to sneak in.

Recently I read that people who tend to dwell on past relationships (both good and bad) are those that feel lonely because through the memory they try to find some form of company, or the feeling of warmth. This is probably correct as an observation. However, I haven't been able to find a cure for it yet. Still working on it. Truth is, no matter how much I've packed my schedule, his face pops up in my head, especially before going to sleep....or first thing when I wake up. It sucks.

Good luck to all those crushed hearts out there.

Yes I do the same thing now. I exercise. For the past couple of months I have been curled up in a ball crying my eyes out. Now I take a drive, go to the movies out to eat. I don't have any friends so I do all this stuff by myself. It took me 10 years to get over my first relationship and the only reason I got over that was because he told me he was married. It was like being hit with an ice bucket. I'm a PK (preachers kid) so that was drilled into me early on not to come between a man and wife. So he became disgusting to me no more desires

Chelbert,

Your list is exactly what I have held by all my life with guys. That was the list I put up front before I got married & told told him if he didn't agree, then I had no intention of getting married.

For awhile, I tolerated a few things until they got to the point where I couldn't tolerate them anymore.

It is really interesting how their argument against these rules is that we are controlling because they don't want to recognize that we are just taking care of ourselves & setting up the boundaries that if a guy had any respect in the first place, we wouldn't have to set up.

These rules work both ways as relationships are a 2 way street, but you usually don't see guys being treated in the bad way men treat women (mind you, that is qualified with the word "usually").

The list is definitely the best rule of thumb & the most comprehensive I have seen. I know holding to these values has saved me from getting into horrible relationships. Hopefully others will be able to be helped by them also. It just seems that so many people like to live that soap opera, romance novel life rather than a wonderful, sensible, respected, down to earth life that comes when following those rules.

Thank you for sharing,
Debbie