[Shelbeth]

I have Borderline Personality Disorder, so alot of my relationship issues are to do with my own percieved experiences. Key word "percieved" experiences. I am trying to understand this situation though that I feel and have thought through and I don't believe it's percieved. So anyway, here goes a long story tried to make short.

My girlfriend in from Belarous, near Russia and is living near me in the U.S. She has a permanent resident card, and social security number, and will be a full active citizen soon, just to get that out of the way, not that I think it matters, but cultural differences are major.

She knows about me having BPD and is ok with it, in fact she loves me despite the fact. She knows what I am dealing with and what I go through and she is still okay with it; just being there and seeing me, and loving me as a normal human being.

We have had our ups, and downs, and even our nuetral areas in the gray zone. Yes, we have GRAY areas...lol. She knows about my parents, and their emotional and psychological abusive ways in which they raised me, and how it has had an effective impact dealing with my BPD issues still to this day, trying to just deal with them, and live my life despite their negative efforts and contributions.

Anyway, the other night she was going out with friends to celebrate another Russian's birthday, who was turning 20 (20 years old is a big day in Russian tradition). Anyway, she knew I was having financial difficulties and I was too proud to ask her for any financial help except a few dollars for gas to drive to see her. Anyway, she slipped $100 in my back pocket and I had no idea she did this, until she called me later that night (after we went our ways back to our own homes after a date) and told me that I should check my pocket because she left me a gift in it in a very upbeat and comapssionate way. As quickly as she called, she had to go out with her friends. I found the money and called her back to thank her, but she didn't answer. So I left her a voicemail, and she never returned my call that night.

The next day, I tried calling her a few times throughout the day and she never answerd or returned my calls. I left a couple voicemails stating my concern, but was certain that she merely forgot her phone at home, and when she got back, to call me.

Later that evening, I get a message that pops up on messenger telling me that she got my calls, and she DIDN'T forget her phone but that she felt too bad about something to talk to me and didn't want me to question her about it. So I didn't, but told her that I felt like we were close enough to just talk to each other openly and trust each other. I left the conversation at that and didn't say anymore.

The next day, she called me in the morning like nothing had happened and acted like everything was alright between us in her upbeat bubbly manner like she always does. I asked her if she wanted to talk about why she didn't take my calls all day the previous day, and she said that she just wanted me to forget about it and not ask her anymore. So I said that I wouldn't ask her anymore, but I didn't like this but I have no choice but to accept it, and that I would hope that she would find it in herself to tell me sooner than later. I kind of got upset that she was blowing this off like it was no big deal when she knew it was bothering me, and I said I had to go and think about things.

A couple hours later, I called her back and told her that I didn't want her to think that I didn't lover her anymore and that if she didn't want to talk to me about this right now, it was fine, but I would hope that she would talk to me about it eventually. She immediately responded with "I love you" and I said that I loved her too, but I needed to go because I was spending time with my parents and I needed to put all my strength in this torturous adventure. I told her to call me whenever she wanted, and she told me to call her instead because she knew what i was getting into and she didn't want to disrupt that. I agreed and we hung up with "I love you's"

After I got back from my parents (which went ok by the way) I called her back and she was acting all upbat and bubbly again and it was bothering me that she was acting this way because I felt like she was trying t sweep our circumstance under the rug persay. I told her that I was only going ask one more time if she wanted to talk to me about what happened the other day, and she said that she was thinking about US and thinking mainly on me, and didn't want to tell me what she was thinking about, about me. She said that these thoughts about me were too difficult to talk about. I told her that I felt like it was unfair that she was thinking about something, about me and that I couldn't even know about it.

She asked me to forget about it and that she didn't want to talk about it anymore. At this point in time I have already leaned how to handle my anxiety through DBT treatments, but it still felt unfair. Before DBT, I would have been screaming and throwing temper tantrums, but today I just said okay but I still felt it was unfair and that if I did the same thing to her, she wouldn't like it. I then asked her if she was trying to break up with me, and she immediately answered NO and asked if I was suprised by her answer, and I said honestly yes, I am. I said that I had no idea why she is doing this but it DOES bother me, and I feel lke she doesn't trust me enough to talk to ME about something that pertains to ME. She started to get upset (sad not angry) and said she had to go. I said fine, bye, and hung up immediately.

She tried calling back 10 minutes later, but I didn't take the call. She hasn't tried to call back again since then. I'm too upset thinking about this, and wondering what the unknown has in store for me, and that she won't even talk to me about something she was thinking about me that upsets her.

How do I handle this situation?

[PinUpGal]

That's a tricky situation. This is just my opinion but it sounds like she was feeling guilty about something. Before you start thinking the worst it could have been something really small but that she thought would bother you. Maybe the next day she realized that it still may bother you but it wasn't as big of a deal as she thought or that if she told you she would lose you.

When a person is feeling guilty I have found that they try to bring it up and then when it gets difficult try to backpeddle a bit. The first thing I would try to do (and believe me it's difficult), is stop obsessing. The other thing I tend to do is go over the worst scenarios in my head and see how I would handle them. Even if she did the worst possible thing and made a huge mistake would you end it with her? If the answer is yes than I would sit down and tell her how you feel about it without becoming too emotional. Just tell her (face to face), that it's really bothering you and that even if she thinks it's not important, it's important for you to know what she was talking about. It's a lot harder for a person to be apathetic about a situation when they are looking you in the eye. Even if the answer is that you would love her regardless, I would still sit her down and tell her just that. That no matter what happened you would never leave her and you realize that people make mistakes.

It's a hard situation because you can't force a person to tell you something they don't want and by bringing it up repeatedly on the phone she may feel that you are trying to push her away or that you are thinking the worst of her.

I'm not sure how much I helped but good luck!

I too am BPD and would try to see this as a challenge to NOT ask her about it again, to just call her up and say you are sorry for pushing and wont any more then change the subject.

I know you will find this very hard but I also know its possible to do and after a week or so you will feel proud of yourself as well as still curious but at least there will be a positive note to it.

[Shelbeth]

I have felt the same way in both of these situations.

1) She really seemed distant and VERY reluctant to talk to me about something she told me that she wanted me to forget about. I hope she didn't cheat on me!!

2) This is the hardest thing to try and ignore and hope will get better in time, because if something BIG did happen and she is feeling guilty about something, then she should come out right and tell me instead of hiding it and playing it off and hoping I'll forget about it. Because I can't forget about it!! It's weighing on my mind way too much now.

[Shelbeth]

Alright, I found out what was bothering her. She didn't come out and say directly, but she did tell me that it had to do with the money she gave me and that it was no big deal, and that's all that she was going to tell me. Anyway, we went out tonight and had a great time and I felt so much better knowing a little bit more about what was bothering her.

So after I got back home tonight, I googled about Russian women and their view of money, and I found out that Russian women find it very difficult to talk about money. It is not something they discuss openly and freely like we do in America, and it certainly has no gender responsibilty on who makes the money in the household, and how it's spent. It's just offensive to talk about and discuss in their culture.

So she's only been here for 9 months while living the rest of her earlier years in Russia, so I can understand now why she felt it to be very difficult to talk about; being the cultural differences and all.

It all boiled down to a cultural differerence and a cultural miscommunication about issues and circumstances. When she knew that I was struggling financially, she was compassionate enough to help out, but it was difficult to do so because she may have felt that I was too proud to take her money or something, which is why she slipped it in my pocket whilst me not knowing that she did so, and her feeling like she would have offended me. This is my analogy I came up with, and it seems to make sence now with a little education on the subject.

[PinUpGal]

See it all worked out, no biggie. I am happy for you!!