[Dwayne61]

I’ve always been physically attracted my T. But for about two weeks, I’ve noticed a change in that. It seems like I’m becoming emotionally attracted. Is that the right word? Maybe it’s infatuated. I don’t think love is the right word. I’ve done a little reading on this and came up with “erotic transference”.

I began noticing this the same day that I told her that I had drank. She had asked me what had led up to my drinking. What were my emotions and thoughts that led up to it. Later that night, I caught myself playing “what if?” What if she wasn’t my counselor? Would she find me attractive? As soon as I realized what I was doing, I tried to refocus my thoughts, but ever since then she has been on my mind a lot.

I’ve talked to her 2 or 3 times about it. I’ve always said that she acted professional, but the more I’ve thought about it, I’ve been looking for ways to blame her for my feelings. I tell myself if her personality was different or if she would detach herself more, maybe it wouldn’t be so bad or even have started.

I’m really not sure about that, though. I’ve read of a lot of people who are in “love” with their therapist. From what I understand, sometimes it's a normal part of counseling. Do you think this is true?

Someone told me this could be transference or "it might also be due to the fact that this person, the therapist, listens to you without judgment, knows many of your deepest secrets, and she truly cares about you regardless."

I would appreciate your comments

[billieJ]

I don't think it's either or, but rather, that's what transference is. Have you talked with her about it? She should be able to recognize what you are telling her, if you can bring yourself to talk about it. You are bound to develop feelings for someone who listens, cares, and talks with you regularly.

[Dwayne61]

Recently I've thought about writing an "unsent letter" to my T. But I'm afraid of what it will reveal about my thoughts about her. I think there would be things that would be uncomfortable for me to talk about. Do you think it's necessary to reveal everything that bothers me to her? Do you think writing the letter would be a good idea?

[polarsmom]

My first thoughts when I read your post was this: Go ahead and write the letter. But don't send it or give it to your T. Maybe it'll shed some light on the subject for yourself. My thinking is this, you already found your T easy on the eyes. But you are probably feeling a stronger attraction to her because in your mind she's perfect. You are only seeing her during sessions. Not in "real life" situations. There is a huge difference. In sessions your T is everything you feel you are missing. Your T is always in a good mood, happy to see you, interested in all you have to say, what you've done and you probably don't 'disagree' on every day stuff.

Does that make sense? I'm not sure if it's coming out the way it sounds in my head. So I apologize if it doesn't. Maybe someone can help me out here if you get the jist of what I'm trying to say.

[Dwayne61]

Originally Posted by polarsmom

My first thoughts when I read your post was this: Go ahead and write the letter. But don't send it or give it to your T. Maybe it'll shed some light on the subject for yourself. My thinking is this, you already found your T easy on the eyes. But you are probably feeling a stronger attraction to her because in your mind she's perfect. You are only seeing her during sessions. Not in "real life" situations. There is a huge difference. In sessions your T is everything you feel you are missing. Your T is always in a good mood, happy to see you, interested in all you have to say, what you've done and you probably don't 'disagree' on every day stuff.

Does that make sense? I'm not sure if it's coming out the way it sounds in my head. So I apologize if it doesn't. Maybe someone can help me out here if you get the jist of what I'm trying to say.

Thanks polarsmom: Yes, it makes sense. A lot of times when I think about her, I think about telling her "I love you". Then I ask myself "What do I know about her really?" I know very little about her outside her role as a therapist. Maybe if I knew her more personally I wouldn't like her so much.

I would appreciate other feedback on this.

[Dinah]

I don't think we have an evolutionary template for therapy.

We go in, session after session, just the two of us. Each session, we increase the intimacy and self revelation, however one sided it may be. We make eye contact. The therapist gives undivided attention. The relationship deepens in intimacy and trust.

In many ways, it's similar to the courtship ritual.

In my opinion, the way it's structured causes our brain to fall into evolutionary patterns it knows and is comfortable with. Romantic, sexual, or parental.

It's nothing to be embarrassed about, and she hopefully will have the training and professional skills to handle your disclosure with compassion and respect. But, sadly, not all therapists do. It's been my experience with my own therapist that as I discuss my feelings for him (parental in my case) they become less charged and less painful. But that's just my experience.

[SUNNY2009]

Hi D61
I have had similar experience with feelings for T. For many mos I thought I was in love with him. I finally emailed him before a session and told him I had something I needed to talk to him about and expressed to him how uncomfortable I am and that I needed him to just listen - not look at me when I am telling and not judge me.

When I got to session and finally blurted out that I felt I loved him and needed him and also told him how wrong I knew it was but I cant help it. I didnt understand what I felt I only knew that I thought about him all the time. He smiled, and assured me that he has the training to help us deal with it and assured me that it is very normal to develope feelings for T. He asked me a question "what do you know about me?" and I said "nothing" and he explained to me.... "when we are in session, it is his job to give me the trust and security I need to help me process the trauma and feelings am dealing with." He also said, "he gives me his undivided attention, and does not jugde me in any way. Who wouldnt want to be in love with someone like that? right?" Then he asked me what I thought would happen if we did connect,....I wasnt sure.... he asked me if my thoughts included happliy ever after w/a white picket fence and I said yeah, LOL! We giggled a little bit about it and I did feel better.
I think just telling him helped me, because I felt torn. I felt, ...OH I am so not right...he is a professional doing his job....lots of guilt actually for feeling this way.

He told me it is ok to feel whatever I feel...the important thing is to understand that they are feelings and deserve to be recognized. But that understanding that they are not based on a typical relationship and that ours is one-sided.

He also explained the ethical aspect of it and that there are laws and rules about this sort of thing and how it has ruined many lives.

Hope this helps. BTW, I still feel like I love my T ... prob always will.... but he is professional and I know I need his help, I do not google at him or anything, I understand our relationship, and I just go for therapy and thats it.

[moonrise]

This is a very interesting topic. I am still trying (unsuccessfully) to process my feelings for an old T of mine. I wish I had spoken of them to her before I changed therapists.

[Dwayne61]

Originally Posted by SUNNY2009

Hi D61
Hope this helps. BTW, I still feel like I love my T ... prob always will.... but he is professional and I know I need his help, I do not google at him or anything, I understand our relationship, and I just go for therapy and thats it.

I was hoping there was some way I could work through my feelings for my T and get over them. Sometimes when I'm talking to her, my feelings are a distraction and are uncomfortable.

Besides my sister, she is the only other significant female in my life right now. Even though these feelings started before now, I'm going through a very vulnerable time right now with the death of my dad. I can understand how these two things can add to the feelings. Sometimes when I'm really missing my dad, I just want someone to hug and hold me. Of course, my sister and I hug a lot, but it's not exactly the same. I'm wanting the intimacy of a woman. I've read of other male clients hugging their T, but I would be very uncomfortable with that. For me, I think it would be a mistake.

[elliemay]

Originally Posted by Dwayne61

Thanks polarsmom: Yes, it makes sense. A lot of times when I think about her, I think about telling her "I love you". Then I ask myself "What do I know about her really?" I know very little about her outside her role as a therapist. Maybe if I knew her more personally I wouldn't like her so much.

I would appreciate other feedback on this.

It is very true that you know very very little about your therapist outside of therapy. The intimacy in the relationship, IMO, flows only one way. However, you definately get the "best" of that person in therapy - well, the best for you.

Of course you would feel love for your T, and that says, whatever your reason for seeking therapy, that you are still capable of responding to kindness, attention and feeling heard. For some that capability, in and of itself is nothing less than a triumph to be celebrated.

I've learned to view the therapeutic relationship a lot like swimming in a rough surf. You've got to find that perfect spot where you stay in the water, but float over and through the waves, rather than let them crash over you again and again.

It requires practice at "holding" the feeling of love for your therapist as good and affirming, but seeking no more than what already exists.

It just has to exist and it is a good thing.

[BlackCanary]

I definitely feel in love with my male T.
Definitely not sexual (can only envision him in that starched shirt and tie in bed) definitely not white-picket-fence-happily-ever-after (already have that with someone). I've talked to my husband about it, which helps cut the tension.

Still, anxious about telling the T, but exhausted from obsessing about this feeling.

[Dwayne61]

I want to update on this subject. In an earlier post, I mentioned something about writing an "unsent letter" to my T. Last night, my emotions for her became rather overwhelming, so I decided to write something down. This morning when we met, I reluctantly decided to let her read it. When she finished, she asked a few questions to make sure she understood everything. Basically her biggest concern was how she could help me work through this. She assured me that she had no problem continuing to work with me.

The letter I wrote was this:

There are some things that I feel I need to talk to you about. I wish I didn’t have to bring this up, at least not like this. My defenses are down. You know about my habit of not wanting to go to bed. I wish I could stay up all night and still function properly or at least sleep a little during the day and be OK. Sometimes the little sleep during the day is enough, but the wee hours of the morning is when my defenses start to slip. My emotions and thoughts are hard to control.

Last night (this morning) I allowed myself to indulge in certain thoughts. Not about you, thankfully. But doing so is a break down of emotional and mental barriers that need to stay in place to help protect me from letting my thoughts go in places they don’t need to go. OK, so they did go in places they didn’t need to go. But at least they weren’t about you… Not yet any way. It scares the hell out of me to realize that I could let them go to these places.

If this happened, it wouldn’t be fair to you or to me. It would be disrespectful to you and to our professional relationship. I really do care about you as I realize that you care (professionally) about me. You’ve helped me through some difficult times and you’re continuing to do so since my dad passed away.

Sometimes I feel that I really need someone physically and emotionally intimately. But if I ever do find someone it can never be you. There’s too much to lose for both of us. I need and want our relationship to continue just the way it is now.

I know from experience how dangerous it is to allow my thoughts to go where I allowed them to a few hours ago. From a few years ago, I thought I had learned my lesson. But there have been a few slips recently… once again, not about you.

I’ve read that no man has the right to think about a woman in certain ways. I can certainly see the danger in it, especially if she doesn't feel the same way about him.

I’ve had other female Ts who were physically attractive. I’m thinking of one now but she could be rather spiteful and hateful. I can see how it would be difficult to find her emotionally attractive. I guess that’s my problem with Ts, like you, who are caring. I suppose it’s natural for a man to want a woman like that.

Maybe this is a lesson that I need to learn in order to help me work through these feelings for you. The lesson that I need someone who can and will feel this way toward me. A healthy relationship with an available woman. My relationship with you as my T is helping me see that I need this type of relationship.

I’ve found out that a lot of people wouldn’t allow their T to read this, but it’s my plan to have you read it when we meet later today. I hope that it doesn’t change your opinion about working with me, but if it does so be it. I feel like I shouldn’t keep this from you.

[mixedup_emotions]

Originally Posted by Dwayne61

I want to update on this subject. In an earlier post, I mentioned something about writing an "unsent letter" to my T. Last night, my emotions for her became rather overwhelming, so I decided to write something down. This morning when we met, I reluctantly decided to let her read it. When she finished, she asked a few questions to make sure she understood everything. Basically her biggest concern was how she could help me work through this. She assured me that she had no problem continuing to work with me.

The letter I wrote was this:

There are some things that I feel I need to talk to you about. I wish I didn’t have to bring this up, at least not like this. My defenses are down. You know about my habit of not wanting to go to bed. I wish I could stay up all night and still function properly or at least sleep a little during the day and be OK. Sometimes the little sleep during the day is enough, but the wee hours of the morning is when my defenses start to slip. My emotions and thoughts are hard to control.

Last night (this morning) I allowed myself to indulge in certain thoughts. Not about you, thankfully. But doing so is a break down of emotional and mental barriers that need to stay in place to help protect me from letting my thoughts go in places they don’t need to go. OK, so they did go in places they didn’t need to go. But at least they weren’t about you… Not yet any way. It scares the hell out of me to realize that I could let them go to these places.

If this happened, it wouldn’t be fair to you or to me. It would be disrespectful to you and to our professional relationship. I really do care about you as I realize that you care (professionally) about me. You’ve helped me through some difficult times and you’re continuing to do so since my dad passed away.

Sometimes I feel that I really need someone physically and emotionally intimately. But if I ever do find someone it can never be you. There’s too much to lose for both of us. I need and want our relationship to continue just the way it is now.

I know from experience how dangerous it is to allow my thoughts to go where I allowed them to a few hours ago. From a few years ago, I thought I had learned my lesson. But there have been a few slips recently… once again, not about you.

I’ve read that no man has the right to think about a woman in certain ways. I can certainly see the danger in it, especially if she doesn't feel the same way about him.

I’ve had other female Ts who were physically attractive. I’m thinking of one now but she could be rather spiteful and hateful. I can see how it would be difficult to find her emotionally attractive. I guess that’s my problem with Ts, like you, who are caring. I suppose it’s natural for a man to want a woman like that.

Maybe this is a lesson that I need to learn in order to help me work through these feelings for you. The lesson that I need someone who can and will feel this way toward me. A healthy relationship with an available woman. My relationship with you as my T is helping me see that I need this type of relationship.

I’ve found out that a lot of people wouldn’t allow their T to read this, but it’s my plan to have you read it when we meet later today. I hope that it doesn’t change your opinion about working with me, but if it does so be it. I feel like I shouldn’t keep this from you.

WOW, that was so brave of you to share this with your T. You are more brave than I am, that's for sure. I know the feelings are so incredibly painful...but I also feel badly that you seem to be beating yourself up for having these feelings. Be kind to yourself. Easier said than done, I know.

[Dwayne61]

Originally Posted by mixedup_emotions

WOW, that was so brave of you to share this with your T. You are more brave than I am, that's for sure. I know the feelings are so incredibly painful...but I also feel badly that you seem to be beating yourself up for having these feelings. Be kind to yourself. Easier said than done, I know.

Thanks for you kind words of support. It was difficult telling her this and I can understand people's reluctance to talk with their Ts about it. Some are not so understanding about it. I had one who acted like she was afraid to work with me because of it & my feelings for her were nothing like this.

To be honest, when my T read this letter and was still accepting of me, my emotional attachment to her grew stronger.

[WePow]

This is an amazing letter. It is honest and insightful! Bravo for you! It is hard work to let down those emotional guards so you can see for yourself what you want in a healthy relationship. Good job!

[Dwayne61]

Originally Posted by wpowers

This is an amazing letter. It is honest and insightful! Bravo for you! It is hard work to let down those emotional guards so you can see for yourself what you want in a healthy relationship. Good job!

Thank you. I was hesitant to even post it here as it reveals some of my my deep and personal feelings.

[WePow]

That is what makes it so powerful!!!

[Brightheart]

Originally Posted by Dinah

I don't think we have an evolutionary template for therapy.

We go in, session after session, just the two of us. Each session, we increase the intimacy and self revelation, however one sided it may be. We make eye contact. The therapist gives undivided attention. The relationship deepens in intimacy and trust.

In many ways, it's similar to the courtship ritual.

In my opinion, the way it's structured causes our brain to fall into evolutionary patterns it knows and is comfortable with. Romantic, sexual, or parental.

It's nothing to be embarrassed about, and she hopefully will have the training and professional skills to handle your disclosure with compassion and respect. But, sadly, not all therapists do. It's been my experience with my own therapist that as I discuss my feelings for him (parental in my case) they become less charged and less painful. But that's just my experience.

I am with you on this, Dinah. I think that the biological wheels start spinning and that is most definitely part of it. Probably why I had the most pure feelings for my therapist which had nothing to do with anything sexual, but also experienced "in love" feelings. I also think that is why some obsessing is actually a pretty typical response and the way that humans are programmed to hone in on one person.

I also very much believe this relationship is reciprocal in its own way. I've never much cared for the argument that the client knows nothing of the therapist. You can know your T on some level within the boundaries if they are true to themselves in the room.There is a connection which is very real. It may be more about understanding than knowing, but it is still intimate in a very special way. There are more observant methods of getting to know someone which are unspoken but carry deep meaning. You do the dance on the floor in which you've been given. I also can't help but think of a child loving a parent. A child doesn't really know a parent...but no one would dare question the genuineness of their feelings of affection for a parent. This relationship is different than others that we are accustomed to, but it can still be quite beautiful, despite its limitations. I truly believe in that.

[Dwayne61]

I really have the need to update this situation, especially after what happened today. I suppose this part of the story started a few days ago. I've been feeling more depressed lately and have even had some suicidal thoughts. I was supposed to meet with my T Saturday, but she was having car trouble or something. She did call and ask if there was anything that I needed to talk about. I told her about being more depressed and the suicidal thinking. Of course she was concerned about me. I told her that I wasn't going to hurt myself. She wanted me to come in this afternoon and see the doc, which I did. Before I seen the doc, I went in to see another lady who is my T's supervisor. She told me that it was her opinion that I was focusing too much on my T and not enough on my treatment. She had her doubts about whether it was good for me to continue seeing her. This kind of surprised me. This lady said that she was going to let the doc decide what to do about it.

I had always thought this doc was good. She's always listened to me and seemed very reasonable. That is until today. It seems she already had her mind made up and that it wasn't to my benefit for me to continue seeing my T. Unless I totally misunderstood her, she said that sometimes transference can be worked through, but in most cases the client needed another therapist. She thought transference wasn't a good thing. As she was saying this, my mind was replaying the numerous articles that I'd read and the other people I've talked to about it. What she was telling me was completely different. The doc kept saying sometimes you have to take the therapists feelings into consideration. Of course I know that, but what feelings was she referring to?? My T has never said she felt like she couldn't work with me.

A while back, this same psych doc referred me to another therapist. A male, whom she thought could better help me with another problem I'm having. I talk to this male T a lot about my feelings for my female T. He's always felt that I would gain a lot by working through my feelings for her. I asked the doc several times to contact him about his opinion on the matter and each time she ignored me.

Added to all this, the doc never asked me about my depression much less my suicidal thinking. That's the real reason why I went to see her in the first place!!

So, just like that I don't have my T any more. Yeah, I still have the male T, but I don't have the close bond in therapy like I did with her. I've been told that it's important for the client to have a closure session when ending a relationship with a T. I won't even have that.

IMO, the doc doesn't know what she's doing in this situation. She referred me to this other therapist and then refused to ask his professional opinion.

I'm more depressed after seeing the doc than I was before. I don't think this was a good time for this to happen. Wouldn't it have been a lot better for her to suggest that I prepare to end the relationship and give me time to process it with my T instead of just abruptly ending it? It feels like I've lost part of myself.

Thanks for reading this rather long post.

[deliquesce]

hi dwayne,

maybe things are done differently on your end of the world (i dont understand insurance issues) but isn't there a way you could get in touch with your female T and see her without the referral? or has she written a termination letter to you?

even a call might help clear things up? sorry if im on the wrong path here, but it sounded as if your T was happy to continue seeing you, so maybe getting in touch with her could help by having her work something out with your pdoc etc.

[(JD)]

(((Dwayne))))

I'm a little confused by the way the post is written, so let me ask a question or two so you can clarify?

You said the supervisor said she would leave the decision up to your (female) T....
Did your T then go ahead and refer you to another T, whom you're required to now see? (Or are you assuming this is all going to happen?)

Transference is required in any good therapeutic relationship, imo. So, in a way, we all "love" our therapists! That caring is different for men and women patients and therapists.

This could very well be about the female therapist and not about you at all. Maybe she hasn't learned how to handle such transference, and had you referred for that fact? The supervising T probably agrees that the female T can't handle it, and that's why they referred you.

I'm discouraged to hear that the supervising therapist related information to you in the manner she did...at least she didn't communicate it correctly if that's what you heard.

It's a tough thing to have such changes occur, and everyone who has been through it fully understands all your feelings right now.

Now, even though you are depressed can you do a little research on the internet on transference in therapy? Once you do that, then maybe you can speak to the supervisor, and convince her that you feel your feelings about the T are controlled (if you do) and would like to keep your female T and work through them with her if that's what needs to be done. That you do trust her and that's part of why you think you care about her, now that you have shared pieces of your life.

Advocate for yourself if at all possible in this. Try not to become frustrated or angry (which are elements of depression.)

BUT if you remain with the male T, I suggest you talk openly about your concerns which you spoke to here... and inquire what type of therapy he follows and how you feel he doesn't connect with you, etc. It's a normal topic for the therapy session, and one every patient should have anyway. See if you can agree on a goal for yourself.

[Brightheart]

Dwayne, I'm so sorry to hear about this. I don't understand why some therapists feel this way about transference. I am completely baffled by this. I honestly believe that exploring my feelings for my former therapist was a huge part of my therapy. It is extremely valuable to look at because it puts you right inside of the experience, rather than just talking about it. Learning your patterns of relating, the feelings which come about during relationships, the whys behind these feelings, the deeper meaning behind what personally motivates you...all of these things are out on the table when you look directly at the relationship. It's a gold mine and one that I would think would be hugely beneficial to be digging into and looking at. The feelings hold the answers about you. You look at them, learn from them, come to understand where you are taking missteps, appreciate what you have to offer, and then apply all of this knowledge in your outside of the room relationships. I agree that you should try advocating for yourself in this.

[Dwayne61]

Originally Posted by deliquesce

hi dwayne,

maybe things are done differently on your end of the world (i dont understand insurance issues) but isn't there a way you could get in touch with your female T and see her without the referral? or has she written a termination letter to you?

even a call might help clear things up? sorry if im on the wrong path here, but it sounded as if your T was happy to continue seeing you, so maybe getting in touch with her could help by having her work something out with your pdoc etc.

Hi deliquesce,

This doesn't have anything to do with insurance. The pdoc doesn't think I should continue working with my T because of my feelings for her.

As for me continuing to see my T without a referral, that really wouldn't work out. The place she works for is a state funded mental health provider. She has to do what her supervisor tells her.

You're right, she would've continued working with me. The pdoc kept say "sometimes you have to take the feelings of the therapist into consideration." I just don't understand what feelings she's talking about. If my T is being honest with me, and she's never given me reason to believe otherwise, then she's never told them anything like that.

I hope this kind of clears up what I was talking about.

[Dwayne61]

Originally Posted by _Sky

(((Dwayne))))

I'm a little confused by the way the post is written, so let me ask a question or two so you can clarify?

You said the supervisor said she would leave the decision up to your (female) T....
Did your T then go ahead and refer you to another T, whom you're required to now see? (Or are you assuming this is all going to happen?)

Transference is required in any good therapeutic relationship, imo. So, in a way, we all "love" our therapists! That caring is different for men and women patients and therapists.

This could very well be about the female therapist and not about you at all. Maybe she hasn't learned how to handle such transference, and had you referred for that fact? The supervising T probably agrees that the female T can't handle it, and that's why they referred you.

I'm discouraged to hear that the supervising therapist related information to you in the manner she did...at least she didn't communicate it correctly if that's what you heard.

It's a tough thing to have such changes occur, and everyone who has been through it fully understands all your feelings right now.

Now, even though you are depressed can you do a little research on the internet on transference in therapy? Once you do that, then maybe you can speak to the supervisor, and convince her that you feel your feelings about the T are controlled (if you do) and would like to keep your female T and work through them with her if that's what needs to be done. That you do trust her and that's part of why you think you care about her, now that you have shared pieces of your life.

Advocate for yourself if at all possible in this. Try not to become frustrated or angry (which are elements of depression.)

BUT if you remain with the male T, I suggest you talk openly about your concerns which you spoke to here... and inquire what type of therapy he follows and how you feel he doesn't connect with you, etc. It's a normal topic for the therapy session, and one every patient should have anyway. See if you can agree on a goal for yourself.

Hello Sky,

I'm sorry for not being more clear when I posted, maybe it's because I was so emotional. I still am.

No, My T's supervisor said she was going to leave the decision up to the pdoc. Whatever the doctor decided was what they would do. So, it was the pdoc's final decision for me to stop working with my T.

It would be up to the pdoc and/or the supervising T to refer me to another therapist. They did want me to start seeing the only male T they have, but I told them I seen no reason for me to begin the process of adjusting to another T.

Let me clarify something: The male T that I am now seeing works at a different office. I do like him. He says he's my T 24/7, not just during our appointments. I think the reason that I don't feel as connected to him as I do my female T is because I haven't worked with him as much. I plan to continue seeing him. That's one reason why I don't see any need in starting to see another therapist where my female T works.

The place where my female T works is a state funded mental health provider. The male T works for a psychologist in private practice.

You said, "This could very well be about the female therapist and not about you at all. Maybe she hasn't learned how to handle such transference, and had you referred for that fact? The supervising T probably agrees that the female T can't handle it, and that's why they referred you"

According to my female T, she never told her supervisor that she felt she couldn't work with me. I've asked my T several times about it and she's always said she doesn't have a problem. After all this happened yesterday, I called her and she still said the same thing. T said she did talk to someone yesterday about me, but it was about my depression and suicidal thinking, not about the transference.

When I talked to the supervising T yesterday, it was supposed to be about my depression. But during the discussion she said she was concerned that I was focusing too much on my T and not enough on treatment. She said in the beginning I was focusing more on treatment. I'm thinking this might have something to do with my dad's death. Since he died, I haven't cared very much about my treatment plan.

My sister told me yesterday that since I've been seeing the female T, she thought I've been doing better. The female T is the only one that I've discussed my grief with. I told her about my anger of Daddy's death, about how angry I was at him for dying without letting me say "good-bye". She helped me to see that it wasn't Daddy's choice to die, he had no control over it.

I feel like the way they "cut me off" from my female T is very much like the way my dad died. Very sudden and unexpectedly. No real closure. I'm going to tell them that I need at least one more session with her. I feel I need more than one, but whatever I can get I suppose will have to do.

As for the research, I have several articles on transference. And I've talked to the male T about it. That's why I don't understand the pdoc's attitude about it. She talked like it was a bad thing, at least for me any way. She does know that I've had problems like this in the past that I had trouble working through. But what she's talking about wasn't with a therapist at all.

So, what do they expect me to do in the future when I'm faced with working with another attractive T? Tell her that I can't because she doesn't fit the bill unless she ugly with a face covered with warts???

Does this explain things a little more better?

[Dwayne61]

Originally Posted by Brightheart

Dwayne, I'm so sorry to hear about this. I don't understand why some therapists feel this way about transference. I am completely baffled by this. I honestly believe that exploring my feelings for my former therapist was a huge part of my therapy. It is extremely valuable to look at because it puts you right inside of the experience, rather than just talking about it. Learning your patterns of relating, the feelings which come about during relationships, the whys behind these feelings, the deeper meaning behind what personally motivates you...all of these things are out on the table when you look directly at the relationship. It's a gold mine and one that I would think would be hugely beneficial to be digging into and looking at. The feelings hold the answers about you. You look at them, learn from them, come to understand where you are taking missteps, appreciate what you have to offer, and then apply all of this knowledge in your outside of the room relationships. I agree that you should try advocating for yourself in this.

Thanks Brightheart, I agree with everything you said. Reading your post just helps to reinforce it.