[Symbiosis]

Hi all,

I'm new to therapy, no more than 5 sessions in but spanning a few months because my T was on vacation during that time. I went into therapy pretty aware that my susceptibility for falling for my T was high due to my various issues. However, I was happy that it was going "so far so good."

Then I got an invitation to a party he and his wife are hosting and discovered an outside connection to him through work. Basically, his wife will be at the top of our organization in a month, hence the party. Now, I live in a small town that has these sorts of things happen all the time, like you always have to be careful about who you talk about to whom. Part of me feels like an outside connection is unavoidable...just not quite this connected!

Suddenly, my feelings have changed. I'm thinking about him and this party and his wife and his life when before I was perfectly fine thinking of him as you would any other professional: there for a purpose. I don't want to change therapists. I was afraid he would suggest it. He hasn't, nor has he seemed inclined in that direction. I have to decide if I want to go to this party or not. I rather not have the discussion with him because I feel like I would be disclosing that it is a very big deal to me (and it is). Yet, I want this process to work so I feel like I should be transparent.

We did talk about the connection though not the party specifically. I was more concerned over confidentiality issues initially, so that's all we talked about.

Funny, too, that I suspect if this was months down the road I would be very eager to attend a party at his house. But it isn't and it feels so sudden to have to look at him as his own person. As far as feelings for him, yes, with this revelation, but I realize how artificial they are. Really, they are just born from a taboo situation.

Any thoughts from people more experienced with therapy? Much appreciated.

[MortalCoil]

Symbiosis,,,

Welcome to PC!
I agree - people can be susceptible to falling for their therapists. It makes your situation pretty tough when you have to see him in a social setting.

In my opinion, you should do whatever you're comfortable with. If you really want to go and your T hasn't mentioned any qualms about it (I'm assuming he knows you're invited and you also trust his judgment)then there might not be a problem. If going to his house makes you sick to your stomach then don't.

I know you mentioned that you don't want to discuss this with him, but I was wondering if you might feel differently about, if possible, sending him an email about it? You could just remind him that his client is invited their therapist's home and ask if any boundaries are crossed by honoring the invitation. That way you haven't explicitly inserted your feelings yet - and it might not be considered a "therapy topic" if it hasn't yet been discussed in session. It's just an idea - some people are more comfortable with writing to their T than speaking words to them.

wishing you well,
+Jeff

[pinkery]

Originally Posted by Symbiosis

Hi all,

I'm new to therapy, no more than 5 sessions in but spanning a few months because my T was on vacation during that time. I went into therapy pretty aware that my susceptibility for falling for my T was high due to my various issues. However, I was happy that it was going "so far so good."

Then I got an invitation to a party he and his wife are hosting and discovered an outside connection to him through work. Basically, his wife will be at the top of our organization in a month, hence the party. Now, I live in a small town that has these sorts of things happen all the time, like you always have to be careful about who you talk about to whom. Part of me feels like an outside connection is unavoidable...just not quite this connected!

Suddenly, my feelings have changed. I'm thinking about him and this party and his wife and his life when before I was perfectly fine thinking of him as you would any other professional: there for a purpose. I don't want to change therapists. I was afraid he would suggest it. He hasn't, nor has he seemed inclined in that direction. I have to decide if I want to go to this party or not. I rather not have the discussion with him because I feel like I would be disclosing that it is a very big deal to me (and it is). Yet, I want this process to work so I feel like I should be transparent.

We did talk about the connection though not the party specifically. I was more concerned over confidentiality issues initially, so that's all we talked about.

Funny, too, that I suspect if this was months down the road I would be very eager to attend a party at his house. But it isn't and it feels so sudden to have to look at him as his own person. As far as feelings for him, yes, with this revelation, but I realize how artificial they are. Really, they are just born from a taboo situation.

Any thoughts from people more experienced with therapy? Much appreciated.

I understand your discomfort and it makes sense that you want to keep your relationship as client and therapist its own thing. Can I ask, who invited you to the party?
I have felt this way too and tried to make sense out of it this way:
Perhaps your feelings for him are that you are connecting to your T which is important in therapy. You can have a therapeutic relationship with him that is special between the two of you that is for your healing and then you both have your own lives, friends and families. If therapy is good we will have some feelings because it is so intimate and we might be confused about what these feelings are. But I think if we name it and know it’s ok then it helps. Like, yes, this is my therapist, we discus very intimate things, therefore I have intimate feelings for him/her and that is a part of the therapeutic process, and is also why these boundaries are important. That has helped me in the past to think of it this way.

[Symbiosis]

Thanks for the responses.

I got an invitation at work. They were sent to everyone in our workplace and his wife sent them, but his name was on it. He has attended these things before according to my co-worker (I am only recently with this division of the company). Though I let him know that I knew of our connection, he didn't ask how I knew. I have to assume he knows though. We haven't discussed it anymore. Hopefully, it won't be a big deal.

[BlackCanary]

Talk to T about what it will be like once you have been inside his house, seen his things - pictures of his family, kitchen table, etc. Is he entirely comfortable with this?
T may not realize you work for his wife?
If you are not comfortable, do you want to add that discomfort to the relationship?
Is it taboo to know about his house OR is it taboo to socialize with your T?
Or do you fear that someone will figure out that you are in therapy?

If the custom of the firm is to hold this kind of event in the person's home, then you will face it again once she is your bosses' boss?
So, if you are obligated to attend, make an appearance, then go, shake hands, say hello to the people who need to notice that you attended. Then politely excuse yourself (headache!) and go home.
Good luck, sounds like it will be awkward no matter what you do.

[WePow]

Be honest with T and with yourself. You deserve a healthy T connection. Also, if you hide from it, there will be parties in the future. You will only have to go through it over and over again and stay in suspense until it resolves one way or the other.

Talk it over now before you loose too much sleep over something that can be resolved.

[BlackPup]

It can be awkward having a therapist that you know in another context. My best ever therapist is a member of the church that I go to which is quite small. At first it was hard to meet his eye or talk to him at church, but later our relationship became much more friendly because of the added connection. Now seeing outside of therapy is like a bonus!

[Symbiosis]

I wanted to update-

I did NOT go to the party at his house. The decision became easy for me because of various happenings (boss got called away and didn't attend, other people weren't going, etc.) I know some day I will wonder what I missed!

I did end up seeing him at another party (not at his house) and I managed to avoid him the whole time. It wouldn't have been terrible if we interacted, but it was easiest this way.

What is getting me a little edgy is that he doesn't bring this issue up at all. Of course, he does a complete "the patient leads the way" kind of therapy. I just haven't been brave enough to talk about it. I'm still worried that he has said something to his wife about me being a patient.

Do you guys think it is likely?