Don't know what to do with my therapist and my feelings towards her, PArt 2

hello. In my last post I had admitted to likeing my therapist more than I actually expected. Our sessions ran over 55 times or so. My last three have been letting her know that she is really probably the one person I definately want to get to personally know. I know this is common in thereapy but I felt that this may be a little different. I am close to her age,Iam around 50 and she is a little younger,When I first met her , I looked at her and something clicked. I loved the way she looked , walked, spoke, and of course how she Worked with me on my problem getting over my ex. I always looked for my session as my safe haven for happiness, which it should be. I have never really been into too much therapy in my life. Just once about twenty years ago for a short amount of time. This problem is bothering me too much now. I have let my therapist know that something was up when she , I think felt I was going in that direction. though I always believed she might like me., but now she is getting to know that My feelings are that strong. She is starting to see this in the last month or so. I don't like this feeling of being here in thereapy and not being able to cope . At home I am lost now in the last two weeks or so becasue of jealous anxiety feelings. I have been with her for over 17 months. I compliment her all the time and now that I am feelling this I am trying to do the best I can . They say that love comes once in a lifetime? Well this may be the one. This is what scares me. Last seession she gave me some bogus answer as to whether or not after therapy we can say hello even just as friends. She seems confused by me each week. And I have heard her change things alomng the way as to me . I think I am a nice catch for anyone, but I chose her. I think she is flattered but she won't let me know that yet. I plan to ask her next session. There are so many things I'd like to share with her. My main goal is to hopefully after therapy get to know her sometime . Right now It is so difficult. But I do feel that she may really like me. She has complimented me along the wway. I sense there is omsething there , can't prove it on her part yet, nor may I ever, but all in all she is a real pro in therepy. She won't over step her bounds there. But we seem to hit itaoff so well. At lest I think so. LAst week I gave her flowers. Just as a thoghtful gesture. She seemed kinda happy about it. But our thereapy session was ecdingat that point. .I need some questions answered by here, but I am afraid of losing her altogether. but I think she is mature enought o work through this. My question to you all is . Can this become afrienshiop in the rfutureand can it turn romantic with sufficent given time? She claims she is human so I hope she will accept my feelings . And can she make me think a little differently while we ar in therapy. I think the only reason now I am in thereapy is to be close to her mentally, and spiritually. Iwa alway a ahappy guy. But I tink Iam really falling for her. I have my session in 9 days from now. If anyone would like to comment on this I would apprecaite it.

Don't get your hopes up. She's your therapist, not your companion. If she's a competent professional, then no, she will not have a relationship with you. (Sorry if this seems too blunt, but that's just the way it is.) (And if you seem to hit it off so well with her, remember that she's a therapist, and 'hitting it off well' with people is just one of the many skills that they have.)

hey got your message you sound like you want to hurt people instead of help. YOu must have some hang ups if you are a professioanl either counselor or social worker or whatever with all due respsct. I didn't come on here to be you so- called mental patient or to be hurt by you. Just tried to get some input. YOur input was well taken but i think it was a little rough. Hopefully you are not in this field. I have never ever been in terapy asidde from this . I am a professional and if you read my article or first one you wou;ld see that my therapist has been there with me for a long time. She has aslo slipped and hsown me signs of something. I am not a stupid person. I have never had these toughts earlier in these sessions. Only for the last couple of months. So I am sorry if I had to write this to you but the other private messages were much different thatn your. I hope you are ok with this. have you seen the article where the Girl from Georgia wrote a 5 page report on her affair? what's up with that did you respond to that my situation isn't even close. Iam not sure if you are trained to answer someone the way you did to mine thanks anyway

No, I am not a mental health professional. Yes, your post did irritate me. I would be happy to explain why, but only if you feel open to that discussion.

-Far

If you're going to ask this question here, you have to be prepared to hear opinions from all different angles. Has your therapist discussed 'erotic transference' with you? I think from your post, she has indicated she's not interested in going beyond the therapist position. I also think you're confusing things by saying you want to be friends, yet it seems you're hoping for more. If you're only seeing her to further your connection, that's not right.

http://www.guidetopsychology.com/ero...ansference.htm

In answer to your question. The rules state that after 2 years (not seeing the therapist) there is a possibility of a personal relationship...depending on certain factors.. . You DO need to be honest and upfront with her though. I am an undergraduate in psychology,and moderator of an abused survivors' group. I am sure there are many people who see their therapist because they have feelings for them. A client can feel or behave anyway they want in therapy, but it is the therapist's obligation to behave professionally...as i am sure you know

hi whataguy,

i agree with far and lynn, and think what they said was both tactful and spot-on. i'll add a few more points in the gentlest way possible..

1) you know that she's run over exactly 55 times, something about this seems off. it seems like you place a lot of importance in this (the fact that you're keeping track), and it seems you're taking it as an indication of something more. a lot of therapists run over, and it's not because they're sending subliminal messages to their clients; they just simply run over.

2) you say that something just "clicked" when you met her, but three of the four reasons why are superficial. they have nothing to do with who she is as a person, and i'd venture to guess that you know relatively little about her. the fourth reason you gave is that you "loved.. how she worked with me on my problem of getting over my ex." this is part of her job, and it's natural that you would like (even love) someone for helping you with something important like this - but i think you're confusing the issue.

3) you say the answer she gave you regarding whether or not you can be friends after therapy is "bogus," what makes you say that? further more, if this is really someone you love and admire, why would you also call them a liar (when you don't get the answer you want to hear)?

4) you say you "think she is flattered (by you choosing her as your mate), but she won't let me know that yet." have you thought of just asking her? there shouldn't be a reason for her not to tell you how she feels, one way or another.

5) you said she seemed "kinda happy" about your gift of flowers. it sounds to me like she was uncomfortable. usually people are plain-and-simple happy when you give them a gift.

to answer your questions:

do i think this can become a friendship in the future? no.

do i think it can turn romantic given enough time? no.

you asked for comments, and those are mine. i hope you can hear this as supportive advice, from someone that's trying to help you see the situation for what it really is.

good luck!

Hi whataguy,

I, too, agree with what the others have said. I know it's not what you were hoping to hear but everyone is just trying to help you since you asked for opinions. Anyone here reading what you wrote, can objectively see the problem, that you are feeling.

I believe you are experiencing transference and the more you think about and fantasize about this person, the more real it [you'r love for her] becomes in your head. Maybe you remember every little thing that she said to you and maybe you read more into it, than was meant.

Once therapy has ended, that will probably be when you will know your answer for sure.

Wishing you the best.

1) Are you about to have your FINAL session? If you are about to terminate therapy, then your feelings may also be related to a previous, difficult separation. You may still have some unresolved issues, but you will have to ask yourself some hard questions to figure it out.

2) It is a one-way love. I also liked my therapist (male) more than I expected. I am married, why would I fall in love with another man??
At the same time, I also knew nothing would ever come of it and I knew that if something DID come of it then it would be much, much worse. So, it was safe for me to have romantic feelings for him, no harm if he does not have feelings in return, right? It was still a big obsession, getting in my way.
The deep, emotional connection that you feel? I know that feeling. But, the therapist does not have this for us. The good, ethical therapist does not have emotional needs that are met in relationships with clients.

If your therapist is ethical, then she will graciously but firmly refuse your offer of friendship or romance. I warn you - It will feel horrible to you, like one of the worst rejections you have ever experienced. Even though I did not make this offer to my former therapist, I did confess my love. When he left for another job, I experienced very deep grief at the loss. I've been working with another therapist - a female this time - to unravel the feelings and the pain.

If she is not ethical, then you have a very serious problem!

thanks for y our input NO Iam not seeingher to further my position with her romantically. I have been with her for oa year and aahlf now but these thoughts just stared crashing through in the last month or so. I don't feel I should quit because of this. I will have to work things out wuith her

Hi Black Canary

thank you for your insight. No it is not the last session to come up. I assume we will continue.
yes I ahad a loss in my life about two years ago but I do not relate that to this problem. YOu are probably right that I will be let down firmly. the thing is though I really feel there is some kinfd of connection here possibly on her part but she is very ethical. I mean com`mon, they have feeling s too. She always says that . that she is not a wind up robot. And she wants me to express my feelings. yes i wll surely grieve her loss if it happens that way. this is a tough one. I think everyone ( thereapists ) handles things differently towards everyone else

Like you said, ((guy))), you know these are common feelings. You are right there! It's so ... tantalizing to finally find someone who listens and cares and gives you so much attention... well we all love that!

Why not use this great relationship you're building (which means you have to listen and talk both, and work (yes work) on those things this expert T has given you to work on... and allow the feelings for her to "just be there" for a while?

Once you are a better person, healed with your hard work in therapy, you can then decide what to do about a possible future relationship. The ethics rules do allow for after therapy relationships, but again you'll have to wait some 3 years or so from the time you are finished (and well, not needing therapy) before the T can even think about it.

The first thing to do before trying to add the stress of a relationship with anyone is to get yourself into the best "order" you can. Good wishes!

Believe in Him or not --- GOD LOVES YOU!

Want to share your Christian faith? Click HERE

Hi.

I got your PM. I prefer to have the discussion on this public forum, as I am not comfortable using PM for that. If you are OK with that, please reply here.

I can tell you, briefly, the problem I had with your initial post. It's this: I found that some of your language choices reminded me of some of the language choices made by people who I have found to be controlling.

If you think you'd be comfortable having a discussion re: that in public, let me know on this forum.

-Far

Yes, I know that therapists have feelings, and they surely find themselves pulled in emotionally by our stories and challenges. I often challenged my exT, and he appreciated how it helped him grow and change his thinking. This growing on both our parts created a tight connection.
But, the positive feelings about doing great work, making progress and the compassionate feelings for our challenges are very different from romantic feelings.
Therapists are especially careful to not view clients as possible romantic connections, just like a teacher does not look at students, nor should a minister look at congregants as date material. This is a profession where non-professional connections with clients are career-ending.
Consider what you really love about this relationship - how she acts, how she responds, the freedom to speak your feelings, how it makes you feel. Those are the things you can take away and seek out in your other relationships.
strength to you at this challenging time

I just want to say that I have been in your shoes. Took every possible sign that my T was interested in me too. I wanted to be with him and told him that. Unfortunately, we crossed that boundary and it ruined my life.

I know exactly how you feel. What I want to tell you is that (1) having a relationship with your T either sexual or as a friend can have dire consequences. (2) I don't know your background but this is a great opportunity to talk about how you feel with your T and work thru the feelings. The feelings coming up can be from your past. (3) it is extremely hard to work thru these feelings on your own.

I can only hope that your T has boundaries and is ethical. I can now talk with my new T about our relationship and know that she will never cross that line.

thank you for your input. i' dlike to write more and you can get abetter understanding of what I am feeling

Whataguy7, I have similar feelings for my T, she has over run by an hour and every session always overruns by at least 30mins. I can identify with what you feel however I know my T is just doing what I pay her for. I really doubt any T, especially female would ever come across as anything but what you describe.
I saw my doctor today, she is about 10 - 15 years older than me and she also has these T qualities of being kind, empathic, sincere, attractive, great personality etc. My point being, it could be easy to misread the situation although of course you might be right, she might like you a lot, we will never know.
Just don't get your hopes up and play it carefully otherwise you might end up losing her.
I know my T probably likes me, just the same as she probably likes a work colleague or a neighbor, I've gave her no reason to not like me, but I'm sure when I'm at home thinking about her she is at home having fun with her husband and children and I am the last thing on her mind. The reality is we are 'work' to them, if we get on well with our T's and it becomes friendly then great, I seriously doubt anything else would ever be anything other than fantasy in our own minds.