[OneRedRose]

so after reading someone elses letter to T, I thought it was a good idea so heres my letter to T, that I will never send and may delete;

dear T,

I like you, more than I should, but I know all about boundries and why I feel this way so meh its ok ill get over it, but I just had this overwhelming feeling to call you today, but I know your not at work for a couple of days, you are defiantly someone I would approach in a bar though, I might actually tell you that, because I am not flirting when I say that, just being honest and admitting that my feelings are just purely physical and I know all about that so its cool I have read every article and every response on PC, so I know and understand that I am not alone and because I am not alone my feelings are not special.

and i am pretty sure your straight...which actually doesnt matter to me, i actually find straight girls like me more than gay girls lol! (I always get the straight girls after me), but because of that i still think i can have you, but i cant have you just as much as you couldnt have me, ethics codes blah blah blah, but it doesnt matter because you dont like me like that, and actually i dont really like you like that, you are just filling an emotional need inside of me because of my parents, so thank you....although a part of me (and a large part) wishs it was not that way, and that we had met in a bar, and that you swung for my team :P

but while your image matches that off my perfect partner i am sure your outside therapy personality probably doesnt, so i hope we can fix me so i can find someone that is exactly how i picture

but I cant stop thinking about you, and actually dreamt of you last night, nothing sexual in the dream, we were just talking and their were other people around and I was in with the popular crowd and you were impressed that I was with all the popular people, and you said about retiring, but you said other things too, but you said them in a whisper so i never heard you.

but yeah....feelings i have, feelings im aware off, i dont trust women, blah blah blah...opening up...feeling uncomfortable with this post...... keep thinking she maybe on this site and reading it, but judging by previous convos i think she maybe abit bad with computers, so probably not.

[wintergirl]

Hi OneRedRose - Thanks for sharing your letter! I think it's super interesting that in your dream, your T's voice faded away.

[wheeler]

Great letter. Maybe you don't have to delete it, nor send it to her, but maybe you could figure out a way of talking about it with her?

You could start out slow, you don't have to put anything out on the table that you're uncomfortable with. I think if she's as good as you think she is, well she'll pick up on the 'essence' of what you're trying to communicate.

Yes, she is filling a void for you, and that's perfectly normal, and in fact that's probably one of her goals for you. But there's more to go, more growth for you.

I can't explain it, and I still don't always believe it, but for me, sometimes just talking about it helps tremendously.

Good luck

[OneRedRose]

@ wintergirl: yeah it was very strange that her voice appeared to fade away, i was curious over what she said but her face remained very calm so maybe it was just generic memorys for sessions.

@wheeler: I dont know how id even start bringing it up to her, I am actually very shy, she can probably already tell but chooses not to bring it up, i never make eye contact with her, and just stare at my hands the whole time

[Marie123]

More than likely she knows what your feelings are for her. How to bring it up? Write it down...begin with one sentence opening, and see how she responds.

[OneRedRose]

im just worried that if i tell her ill become too embarressed that i wont want to return, ive told people ive liked them before had them not return my feelings and been so embarressed that ive cut contact with them, and I know shes not going to return them so i know what my response will be, its as if knowing that next week i will stop talking to her.

[JeffLawrence]

Dear OneRedRose,
I know what you are going through, somewhat. I am a man with a woman T. She is about 14 years my junior. After holding the feelings in for at least a year due to feelings of shame, and hinting at it in a few sessions, I told her almost three years ago that I love her. She was terrific about it. It is the first time in my life that I've been able to have talks with a woman, who is not available to me, about feelings of love that I have for her. My feelings for her come into most sessions. I have cried about how much I wish she felt love for me; feelings related to my childhood and my mother. It's not that I am unloved now: I have been married for over 23 years and have three great kids. My marriage is both loving and tumultuous, and my T has helped me understand some of the strife. I feel that I would do anything for my T, even die for her, if need be. I hope beyond hope that one day, after therapy is complete, that we can be friends. Probably won't happen, and that thought wrenches my gut. The anticipation of losing her, and never having known who she really is, gives me a hole in my chest that cannot be filled.

[LavalampTerry]

Man, I heard that! I feel exactly the same way about my T, Jeff. Your story is exactly like mine - except my T is about my age. I've told her I love her. I told her I wish we could have met under different circumstances. And I've wondered what it's gonna be like once our time is through. I'm getting a glimpse into that now that she's been off recuperating from surgery. I haven't seen her in over 2 weeks - and have at least that long to go before she might be seeing clients again - and it's been difficult. I miss her as a T - the work we do together - and I miss her as a woman. I miss being around her and experiencing her perspective on life. I've resisted the urge to "check up" on her via email to see how she's doing with her recovery. She lives alone and I'm hoping she's not been abandoned by the support network she said she had in place. The thought of her being at home alone trying to take care of herself breaks my heart. But I'm gonna maintain the boundaries and keep my distance.

Cuddos on telling her how difficult it was to hear from your T that your feelings for her could never be returned by her! I felt the same way when I was told those things but didn't have the heart to say it out loud. It was humiliating enough!! Not because of anything she said - just my shame for having those feelings and not having them returned. (eventhough I know they couldn't be!)

My feelings for my T are confusing and frustrating enough. But when you add in the guilt of having these feelings for another woman - being a married man - and the knowledge that those fantasies will never come true is the kind of sustained hurt I've never felt before. And frankly I don't see a way out. Because I don't see my feelings for my T ever changing. We could stop seeing each other tomorrow and I will always wonder what it might have been like if we had met socially.

Thanks for posting. Needed to feel not so alone with all this today...

Terry

[Marie123]

Hey, Terry: I don't feel guilty about my feelings of love for my t, because they are real...not right or wrong....simply real. I waited about a year before I told my t about my feelings, and when I left, broke down sobbing for quite awhile ..I wanted to be authentic with him and not hide. My feelings haven't changed in 7 years ...the fact that he is married (I am not) just "kills" me......it is a hurt not explainable (I think) with words.

[learning1]

That was a really sweet letter.