[LavalampTerry]

Met with my T this morning. Dumped it all regarding my transference. I mean ALL of it. Told her my first thought when I saw her always was : MAN she looks GOOD! Told her I thought of her constantly. Told her I want to be with her. Told her I wanted to take care of her like she has me. Told her it breaks my heart to think of her with another man. And told her I feel like a lousy husband for having these thoughts about another woman. Told her I was ashamed and felt foolish for feeling like this. And told her I was terrified that if/when I told her this she would send me away or withhold affection from me.

She was AWESOME! Far from rejecting me, she said that my transference was at the ROOT of why I am in therapy. She assurred me that the feelings I am having for her are a DIRECT RESULT of the needs I had as a child that were never met. And that now that I've put it out there, we can get to the work of those transference feelings and link them with those unfulfilled needs. REALLY??? Ok. I swear, there was a couple times when I was talking this morning when I seriuosly considered jumping out the wimdow. If we weren't on the second floor... Well, anyway, I didn't. However, I WAS shaking - sweating - felt like I was outside my body watching all this happening. BY FAR the hardest thing I've ever done. But I did it! And, once I settle down - still shaky and all over the place! - I think I'm gonna realize that FINALLY - after 3+ years - I'm in therapy. There're no more secrets - no bodies buried anywhere. It's out there. Now we can get on with getting better.

I gotta say, had I not found this site a few weeks ago, what happened with my T & I this morning would not have been possible. In the last few weeks I've received so much support and encouragement and what I've heard called "unconditional love." Without that I'd still be "stuck" in that maze of pain and confusion. Thank you all for that!!

I'm also not so naive to think that "Well, that's done. What's next?" I'm sure there will be difficult times ahead. Like I said if anything, I've only made the first step -- but I MADE it. And the journey continues...

Oh, one more thing. As the session was ending, my T asked me - as she often does : "What do you need from me right now." I told her that she had already given me the most wonderful gift anyone could give me - she hadn't sent me away. Her response was that she hadn't done anything - that I DESERVED that. Killed me. Tears of joy and sadness all at the same time.

Thanks again, all.

Lavalamp

((((Darling Lavalamp)))....Sort of like confessing your heart to a parent whose love and acceptance you deeply need and being hugged despite everything.I am so touched by this post...and so pleased you were validated,heard,accepted,relieved....and walked out with wholeness in this regard.Hugggs

[LavalampTerry]

Thanks Wolfsong. Your post made me teary. Never been called "Darling" before. Real emotional right now. Trying to pull it off at work - not being very successful. I guess that's why God made office doors...

What a day....

Lavalamp

[Suratji]

Lava - that is wonderful. Isn't it great when we finally get the courage to tell our deepest secret? I was able to do that last week with my T. It wasn't a transference issue but it was a very very emotionally raw experience in my life that I was sure I would never be able to tell anyone. It was the most difficult thing I've ever done. T and I talked about my upcoming disclosure for a few sessions to try to prepare me to do it. Even so, it was almost impossible.

Like you, I was ecstatic when done. I felt so relieved. It was awesome.

I did have a bit of a bumpy repercussion though. It was like I had survived the gauntlet but hadn't noticed the wounds until later.

The next day I regretted deeply that I had exposed myself. I left message with T telling her that I made a serious mistake and that it had damaged our relationship beyond repair since she now knew how bad I was. I ranted that I could never face her again and that all I wanted to do was to dig a deep hole and bury myself. I told her not to return my phone call because there was nothing she could say that could possible make it better.

I had a week until the next session. I was in agony. I thought a lot about quitting therapy because I felt so bad about myself. I wanted to pretend that I hadn't exposed myself. So, I went into session with that intention - that we would both pretend the last week's session hadn't happened.

I went in with notes about other topics and questions about process, etc. etc. But my T was great and she wasn't going to let me get away with it. She took over and did everything a good T could do to make it o.k. for me. I have an awesome T and I'm so grateful that I found the courage to keep going.

So, you probably won't have such an experience, but if you start to feel regret about telling her that, know this is not an uncommon feeling. I've heard from other people who warned me that I might experience some unsettled emotions after my disclosure. They were right.

[Marie123]

I am so happy for you, sweetie! I told my t of my love and feelings for him 6 years ago.....there isn't any subject that we cannot discuss. The fear of rejection is so great.....but you did it!!!

Yay, you!
Hugs, Marie

(((((Wipes tears away))))))

[hardtimes101]

Wow!! ((((((Courageous)))))) I wish I was that Courageous!! Good For You Lava!!

[LavalampTerry]

Well, I think I've finally settled down from yesterday. Today, on the one hand, I feel good about what happened - so glad to finally have exposed that secret. But on the other... What I read here was right. I woke up this morning with the thought "Oh oh - I've done it NOW." See, my T meets with someone regularly for what she calls "Supervision." During these times she brings "problem" cases or those she needs input on, on how to proceed. I assume they all do that.

Well, my thought this morning was "She's gonna bring our conversation to Supervision & be told to 'Dump that guy - he needs another - MALE - therapist...' " So whoever said that - "Sur" - can't remember the spelling of your name (sorry) - yeah, it's happening to me too. Darn!

To try to maintain SOME sanity - and hopefully avoid days & days of fear until we meet next Wed - I'm going to TRY to trust her. That she's NOT going to send me away - leave me. That I deserve that. Tenuous, but... Might need reminders, if that's ok.

And it's off to the office -- "another day in paradise!!"

Lavalamp

[disguise123]

this is good, its healthy, your working with the therapy, no one will tell her to dump you.
She will be there wednesday,keep your chin up, and take it easy on yourself, you just made a big step forward!

[LavalampTerry]

Rapid : Thanks for the response. I'm reading it about once an hour. "Constant Reinforcement." Really?? I'll take your word for it - sure doesn't feel healthy - and certainly doesn't feel good...

"One Day At A Time."

Lavalamp

[Suratji]

Originally Posted by Lavalamp

Well, I think I've finally settled down from yesterday. Today, on the one hand, I feel good about what happened - so glad to finally have exposed that secret. But on the other... What I read here was right. I woke up this morning with the thought "Oh oh - I've done it NOW." See, my T meets with someone regularly for what she calls "Supervision." During these times she brings "problem" cases or those she needs input on, on how to proceed. I assume they all do that.

Well, my thought this morning was "She's gonna bring our conversation to Supervision & be told to 'Dump that guy - he needs another - MALE - therapist...' " So whoever said that - "Sur" - can't remember the spelling of your name (sorry) - yeah, it's happening to me too. Darn!

To try to maintain SOME sanity - and hopefully avoid days & days of fear until we meet next Wed - I'm going to TRY to trust her. That she's NOT going to send me away - leave me. That I deserve that. Tenuous, but... Might need reminders, if that's ok.

And it's off to the office -- "another day in paradise!!"

Lavalamp

Be sure and talk to her about your post-session emotions. I did and it made all the difference. Of course, I was still in agony for a week. I can't imagine how tough it is with transference. So far, thank goodness, I don't have to deal with that issue. My best wishes for you and hope your week is peaceful.
"surat" means 'soul' and 'ji' means "little" so "Suratji" is "Little Soul"

[Liam Grey]

I really hope it will turn out good for you Lava, and that she will not dump you!

I refuse to believe that the solution to this SINGLE problem is switching the therapist you worked with in all the past years.. seems extreme just to use an euphemism, to me!

[LavalampTerry]

Suratji : Yeah. I plan on telling her about what occurred to me this morning. Now that I've gotten that other stuff out there, I feel I can pretty much talk about anything with her - pretty good by-product if you think about it...

Like the name! I'm 50% Hispanic. Mother was born in Puerto Rico - Ponce. So happens a co-worker is from Mexico. She calls me "Mijito" which means "My Little One." Sometimes she shortens it to Ijo. Which I understand means "child." (Lost my Spanish years ago!) Love that! Wish Mom would have bothered to call us that... Oh well - never too late!! :-)

Lavalamp

[Suratji]

Originally Posted by Lavalamp

Suratji : Yeah. I plan on telling her about what occurred to me this morning. Now that I've gotten that other stuff out there, I feel I can pretty much talk about anything with her - pretty good by-product if you think about it...

Like the name! I'm 50% Hispanic. Mother was born in Puerto Rico - Ponce. So happens a co-worker is from Mexico. She calls me "Mijito" which means "My Little One." Sometimes she shortens it to Ijo. Which I understand means "child." (Lost my Spanish years ago!) Love that! Wish Mom would have bothered to call us that... Oh well - never too late!! :-)

Lavalamp

Si, se puede aprender espanol cuando quieres. Entiendo lo que dices - eso de 'mijito'

[Can't Stop Crying]

I'm proud of you Lava! That took a lot of courage....now rely on that same strength and realize she won't abandon you! I'll bet your T is proud of you also!

[hardtimes101]

Originally Posted by Suratji

Be sure and talk to her about your post-session emotions. I did and it made all the difference. Of course, I was still in agony for a week. I can't imagine how tough it is with transference. So far, thank goodness, I don't have to deal with that issue. My best wishes for you and hope your week is peaceful.
"surat" means 'soul' and 'ji' means "little" so "Suratji" is "Little Soul"

I like that....That's cool!!

[hardtimes101]

Originally Posted by Lavalamp

Met with my T this morning. Dumped it all regarding my transference. I mean ALL of it. Told her my first thought when I saw her always was : MAN she looks GOOD! Told her I thought of her constantly. Told her I want to be with her. Told her I wanted to take care of her like she has me. Told her it breaks my heart to think of her with another man. And told her I feel like a lousy husband for having these thoughts about another woman. Told her I was ashamed and felt foolish for feeling like this. And told her I was terrified that if/when I told her this she would send me away or withhold affection from me.

She was AWESOME! Far from rejecting me, she said that my transference was at the ROOT of why I am in therapy. She assurred me that the feelings I am having for her are a DIRECT RESULT of the needs I had as a child that were never met. And that now that I've put it out there, we can get to the work of those transference feelings and link them with those unfulfilled needs. REALLY??? Ok. I swear, there was a couple times when I was talking this morning when I seriuosly considered jumping out the wimdow. If we weren't on the second floor... Well, anyway, I didn't. However, I WAS shaking - sweating - felt like I was outside my body watching all this happening. BY FAR the hardest thing I've ever done. But I did it! And, once I settle down - still shaky and all over the place! - I think I'm gonna realize that FINALLY - after 3+ years - I'm in therapy. There're no more secrets - no bodies buried anywhere. It's out there. Now we can get on with getting better.

I gotta say, had I not found this site a few weeks ago, what happened with my T & I this morning would not have been possible. In the last few weeks I've received so much support and encouragement and what I've heard called "unconditional love." Without that I'd still be "stuck" in that maze of pain and confusion. Thank you all for that!!

I'm also not so naive to think that "Well, that's done. What's next?" I'm sure there will be difficult times ahead. Like I said if anything, I've only made the first step -- but I MADE it. And the journey continues...

Oh, one more thing. As the session was ending, my T asked me - as she often does : "What do you need from me right now." I told her that she had already given me the most wonderful gift anyone could give me - she hadn't sent me away. Her response was that she hadn't done anything - that I DESERVED that. Killed me. Tears of joy and sadness all at the same time.

Thanks again, all.

Lavalamp

I'm still thinking about how ((((Brave)))) you are Lava!! Good for U!! I hope when it comes time, if I can actually go through with it, that I will be brave too. Making the appt and going is one thing, actually saying it is a competely different deal!! You know?? Keep moving forward!!

[LavalampTerry]

Originally Posted by Suratji

Si, se puede aprender espanol cuando quieres. Entiendo lo que dices - eso de 'mijito'

Well, I'm sure that's a lovely sentiment. Unfortunetly, I have NO CLUE as to what it means... LOL!! I'll have to write it down & do a little researsh. So - with faith that you've sent me words of encouragement & caring...THANKS!! :-)

Lavalamp

[Suratji]

Originally Posted by Lavalamp

Well, I'm sure that's a lovely sentiment. Unfortunetly, I have NO CLUE as to what it means... LOL!! I'll have to write it down & do a little researsh. So - with faith that you've sent me words of encouragement & caring...THANKS!! :-)

Lavalamp

I studied Spanish in college and learned a little bit. It means "It's possible to learn Spanish if you want to." Or something like that.

[JeffPowers]

Originally Posted by Lavalamp

Well, I think I've finally settled down from yesterday. Today, on the one hand, I feel good about what happened - so glad to finally have exposed that secret. But on the other... What I read here was right. I woke up this morning with the thought "Oh oh - I've done it NOW." See, my T meets with someone regularly for what she calls "Supervision." During these times she brings "problem" cases or those she needs input on, on how to proceed. I assume they all do that.

Well, my thought this morning was "She's gonna bring our conversation to Supervision & be told to 'Dump that guy - he needs another - MALE - therapist...' " So whoever said that - "Sur" - can't remember the spelling of your name (sorry) - yeah, it's happening to me too. Darn!

To try to maintain SOME sanity - and hopefully avoid days & days of fear until we meet next Wed - I'm going to TRY to trust her. That she's NOT going to send me away - leave me. That I deserve that. Tenuous, but... Might need reminders, if that's ok.

And it's off to the office -- "another day in paradise!!"

================

OK now, Mr. Lamp, once the euphoria and fear wear off, you'll see, as I did, that she will NOT dump you onto another therapist, and only NOW does the real work continue. What you and I have each done with our Ts is pretty textbook. I've understood that for quite some time, but intellectually understanding it and emotionally accepting it are two completely different things. I've asked my T if other clients have confessed their love for her, but she won't tell me, of course. The idea that my feelings for her are right out of some psych textbook makes me feel as if I'm a rat in a maze. Makes me doubt my own "real-love" feelings for her. Interesting, confusing and painful stuff.

To try to maintain SOME sanity - and hopefully avoid days & days of fear until we meet next Wed - I'm going to TRY to trust her. That she's NOT going to send me away - leave me. That I deserve that. Tenuous, but... Might need reminders, if that's ok.

And it's off to the office -- "another day in paradise!!"

Lavalamp

=====================

By the way, I meet with my T on Wednesdays too: 7 pm Pacific Time. I'll be talking of you during my session this week.

JP

[WePow]

(((((Lavalamp)))))

Because you were HONEST with your T, it proves you are working on becoming healthy and strong. Had you been sneaky about things and tried to manipulate her, that is when she would have reason to say it wasn't going to work. Also, other Ts are far more receptive to trusting the safety of their peers in situations like this.

Continue to just be very honest. You are being the "perfect" client right now!

[SolutionIsProcess]

Congratulations on coming forward to your T! Yes, transference is very beneficial to the therapy process and I'm sure you will gain a lot from it. And yes, more uncomfortable feelings will arise anyway (isn't that what happens in therapy?) but it is a worthwhile experience. I think you'll be asking yourself "why didn't I do this sooner?" years from now.

I've only had one major transference issue in therapy, and I have to admit as a future therapist that I don't believe it was all 'my stuff'. Though I didn't know them completely, I had enough knowledge of the T over time to develop an interest in them. I felt a little irritated whenever I talked this with someone and they ignored everything else and gave me the typical therapy transference talk. While therapy definitely has its effects and influenced my feelings, had I met this person somewhere else and been presented with the same info on them, yeah, I'd definitely be interested in dating them. Damn, what a situation. Soooo not awesome. And let me tell you, I have had some good looking therapists in the past, one who I'm almost positive I could've seen romantically, but this was the only one I have ever had legit interest in and would consider seeing. What a icky situation.

[LavalampTerry]

Thanks again everybody for all your very kind words. Take it from someone who has spent 57 years feeling alone when I say this site - and this section in particular - has been a Godsend. Starting to feel not so different after all!! Awesome!! And yea, now that it's out there - and having "lived" through her reaction - I DO wish I had confronted this a couple years ago when it all started to surface for me. Coulda saved alot of time & energy PRIMPING for our weekly sessions... LOL!! (embarrassing!)

Actually, the time since I told her - last Wed - hasn't been that bad. Alot of stuff has been going on in other areas and I haven't had TIME to be nervous... We meet again tomorrow - THERE'S STILL TIME!!

Again thanks all.

Oh. I'd hoped that once I told her, these feelings might "get better." Less intense. Haven't. Am I being impatient?? "Afterall, it's been nearly a WHOLE WEEK....!"

Lavalamp

[JeffPowers]

[Actually, the time since I told her - last Wed - hasn't been that bad. Alot of stuff has been going on in other areas and I haven't had TIME to be nervous... We meet again tomorrow - THERE'S STILL TIME!!

Again thanks all.

Oh. I'd hoped that once I told her, these feelings might "get better." Less intense. Haven't. Am I being impatient?? "Afterall, it's been nearly a WHOLE WEEK....!"

Lavalamp[/QUOTE]

Hi again LL,

You sound like me about two years ago, after I "confessed". The next several sessions with her could be quite stressful. They were for me because once the feelings were out in the open, I didn't know what else to say about them, or should I move on to other issues? I'd write little love letters to her while I was home, and bring them to read to her. She would ask me to talk about what I wrote.

It is an amazing opportunity to talk about the object of my love WITH the object of my love. The kind of opportunity I wished I had in high school when I had a crush. It will probably be a learning experience for you. Continues to be for me, and I told her of my love for her over two years ago.

[WePow]

Lavalamp - my suggestion - allow yourself to FULLY FEEL all of these feelings.
Allow them to be what they are and flow through you.

There is a Zen story about a master who told the student to NOT think about the monkey. The student didn't get it at first because he wasn't even thinking about a monkey. But then the more he tried to NOT think about the monkey, the more he thought about the monkey.

The Zen student went back to the teacher and said "You told me to not think about the monkey when I wasn't thinking about the monkey and now that is all I can think about!"

The teacher said "Good! That is exactly what I want you to do! I want you to think about the monkey all the time!"

The next time the teacher saw the student, the student was very happy and dancing. The student hadn't thought of the monkey a single time since the last meeting!

Go fully into the emotion. Emotion does not equal action. Allow your mind and emotions to have total freedom! Then just observe without attempting to change the natural flow :-)