[learning1]

I've been on break for a few weeks and am trying to decide whether to go back. I've been going to this t for around 6 months this time. I'm having a hard time trusting him enough to feel comfortable saying a lot of things I want to talk about. Part of the reason is the issues I'm working on have to do with being more communicative anyway, but part of the reason is because he's attractive. I don't take the attraction seriously or imagine it could be returned, but I still feel it a little. Also I can tell he knows I feel somewhat attracted to him and I'm really embarrassed and disgusted with myself that he sees that. I don't want him to see any more of it. I definitely can't imagine ever talking to him about this. So all of that makes it seem like I should quit.

Here are some things that make me think I shouldn't quit.

-I've been to a lot of therapists before and I've searched as thoroughly as I could for therapists in my area. None of others I tried really helped.
This t did help a little. If I quit, I don't expect to look for another t, at least not for a few years until there might be new options in my area.

-I've been going to therapy for a few years overall with various t's, so I'd feel bad to give up after all that time.

-In all the years I've been going to therapists, the ones I thought might be able help were all talkative, somewhat intimidating to me and maybe somewhat attractive. When I say intimidating, I don't mean they did anything wrong, just that they're outgoing and confident and that makes me a little nervous in therapy. Is there something about being a little bit nervous and/or attracted that makes therapy work better? Or am I looking for the wrong things in a therapeutic relationship? Sometimes I think I'm just lousy at therapy and I should give up, but I don't want to think like that.

thanks for any ideas

[pbutton]

In my opinion, and this is only my opinion, I don't think that being attracted to T is a reason to quit going to see him. Think of all you're learning about yourself from this reaction you're having to him. For example: why are you disgusted with yourself that he sees you're somewhat attracted to him? Being attracted to someone isn't a bad thing. It's a nice thing.

I think this is a good opportunity for you to work on not being able to talk to him because you're attracted to him. I think this all sounds like reasons to work harder on your therapy, not time to give it up. Easy to say that from my chair though.

[CantExplain]

I agree with PButton.

[wintergirl]

Originally Posted by learning1

I've been on break for a few weeks and am trying to decide whether to go back. I've been going to this t for around 6 months this time. I'm having a hard time trusting him enough to feel comfortable saying a lot of things I want to talk about. Part of the reason is the issues I'm working on have to do with being more communicative anyway, but part of the reason is because he's attractive. I don't take the attraction seriously or imagine it could be returned, but I still feel it a little. Also I can tell he knows I feel somewhat attracted to him and I'm really embarrassed and disgusted with myself that he sees that. I don't want him to see any more of it. I definitely can't imagine ever talking to him about this. So all of that makes it seem like I should quit.

Here are some things that make me think I shouldn't quit.

-I've been to a lot of therapists before and I've searched as thoroughly as I could for therapists in my area. None of others I tried really helped.
This t did help a little. If I quit, I don't expect to look for another t, at least not for a few years until there might be new options in my area.

-I've been going to therapy for a few years overall with various t's, so I'd feel bad to give up after all that time.

-In all the years I've been going to therapists, the ones I thought might be able help were all talkative, somewhat intimidating to me and maybe somewhat attractive. When I say intimidating, I don't mean they did anything wrong, just that they're outgoing and confident and that makes me a little nervous in therapy. Is there something about being a little bit nervous and/or attracted that makes therapy work better? Or am I looking for the wrong things in a therapeutic relationship? Sometimes I think I'm just lousy at therapy and I should give up, but I don't want to think like that.

thanks for any ideas

I have been thinking A LOT about the question you posed above, and I think as long as the patient doesn't let those feelings (nervous, attracted) get in the way of therapy, those feelings can be extremely helpful. If we didn't like/respect/connect with our T, then we wouldn't listen to what s/he has to say, we wouldn't make an effort to change or understand ourselves better, and we wouldn't schedule return visits.

I know it's difficult - I'm struggling with something similar. But I really don't believe that a lot of Ts would work for me, so I'm just working hard to keep things in perspective.

Honestly, though, some days I want to leave T a voicemail that says, "Hey - I'll be at the airport tonight at 8 p.m. Meet me there and we'll hop a plane to Belize." So it's a constant struggle, you know?

[unaluna]

This question came at the perfect time for me. My fingernails have been out of control lately, which is weird because I have a manicurist license, right? Last night I finally got them shaped nicely again. They no longer felt like an overwhelming burden, and I was thinking, I wonder how T's feet are? Long story there, never mind! The point got to be, all of a sudden I realized I couldn't bear T's burden, his sadness. (Maybe it was MUE's & Perna's questions this morning, also.) It was too much for me, I didn't want to be responsible for it, I don't want to be in a relationship with a person who is mostly sad and crabby, by their own word. I have totally had enough of it. I don't want to be responsible anymore for making someone else happy. (So that's why I regained control of my nails, finally.)

And THAT has always been the problem in my "adult" relationships, and in my r/s with my mother. My previous T asked me why I was always trying to make HIM laugh, and I was VERY attracted to him, much more so than current T. Still, there's this pattern thing going on with this T, like an itch I can't scratch. SO - if you have some sort of pattern you can't break IRL, I would say this attraction is an opportunity to figure it out. You sound like you have scoped it out some with him, as I did with my current T, that make it more workable and able to be a success, whereas it had failed with previous T. Is that clear? I can't believe why it wasn't obvious to me before why we weren't "right" for each other. T even asked me a few months ago if knowing he was moody (I asked him what went wrong in his recent relationships, in 25 words or less!) "scared" me, and I said no, I felt I would know how to comfort him. Of course, because if you can comfort the crabbiest woman in the world - or at least stop her from killing you, what's a little moodiness? But I think I would like a happier pal, more like me. Now that my moody attractive T helped me figure it out!

[learning1]

Originally Posted by pbutton

I think this all sounds like reasons to work harder on your therapy, not time to give it up.

Thanks pbutton. I was thinking about this today.

Originally Posted by wintergirl

I have been thinking A LOT about the question you posed above, and I think as long as the patient doesn't let those feelings (nervous, attracted) get in the way of therapy, those feelings can be extremely helpful. If we didn't like/respect/connect with our T, then we wouldn't listen to what s/he has to say, we wouldn't make an effort to change or understand ourselves better, and we wouldn't schedule return visits.

I know it's difficult - I'm struggling with something similar. But I really don't believe that a lot of Ts would work for me, so I'm just working hard to keep things in perspective.

Honestly, though, some days I want to leave T a voicemail that says, "Hey - I'll be at the airport tonight at 8 p.m. Meet me there and we'll hop a plane to Belize." So it's a constant struggle, you know?

Thanks Wintergirl. Makes me feel better that I'm not the only one in this boat.

Originally Posted by hankster

This question came at the perfect time for me. My fingernails have been out of control lately, which is weird because I have a manicurist license, right? Last night I finally got them shaped nicely again. They no longer felt like an overwhelming burden, and I was thinking, I wonder how T's feet are? Long story there, never mind! The point got to be, all of a sudden I realized I couldn't bear T's burden, his sadness. (Maybe it was MUE's & Perna's questions this morning, also.) It was too much for me, I didn't want to be responsible for it, I don't want to be in a relationship with a person who is mostly sad and crabby, by their own word. I have totally had enough of it. I don't want to be responsible anymore for making someone else happy. (So that's why I regained control of my nails, finally.)

And THAT has always been the problem in my "adult" relationships, and in my r/s with my mother. My previous T asked me why I was always trying to make HIM laugh, and I was VERY attracted to him, much more so than current T. Still, there's this pattern thing going on with this T, like an itch I can't scratch. SO - if you have some sort of pattern you can't break IRL, I would say this attraction is an opportunity to figure it out. You sound like you have scoped it out some with him, as I did with my current T, that make it more workable and able to be a success, whereas it had failed with previous T. Is that clear? I can't believe why it wasn't obvious to me before why we weren't "right" for each other. T even asked me a few months ago if knowing he was moody (I asked him what went wrong in his recent relationships, in 25 words or less!) "scared" me, and I said no, I felt I would know how to comfort him. Of course, because if you can comfort the crabbiest woman in the world - or at least stop her from killing you, what's a little moodiness? But I think I would like a happier pal, more like me. Now that my moody attractive T helped me figure it out!

I don't think I'm following you Hankster. When you say you scoped it out with your t, do you mean you talked about being attracted to him? And you think your t is like your Mom, so you decided you don't want to keep going to the t?

[unaluna]

I found him thru a magazine article about some local T's, he was the only one that answered, coincidentally, stopdog's 3 questions for T today. So I knew going in that HE needed fixing in a way that attracted me in general, even though I also knew he was married. That is, I look for people to be in relationships with that I need to fix, mostly to cheer them up. I'm the comedian, right? I'm saying, that you find him attractive is a good sign that he has something you need to work on. I thought there were other reasons I (consciously) chose my T, but they were kinda related. T being moody like my mom, I consider a plus, even though I wasn't really aware of it, because now I can work through it. You know how rainbow8 talks about her pattern with her T's? I feel like I have that same mysterious attachment - except that today, it just hit me - I don't want that burden of SPECIFICALLY cheering up this T. Not that it's even an option IRL! But in the transference, it's like I finally have the freedom? or the option? I'm no longer oppressed? I don't want to be responsible for T's happiness. or for my mother's. Still seeing this T. But without this PROBLEM between us. Which was never really his, anyway. For all I know, he was telling me what I needed to hear therapeutically, not what REALLY broke up his r/s.

[learning1]

So your t told you he's mostly sad and crabby? That doesn't seem like a good thing for a t to dump on a client, is it?

Anyway, I think I get what you're saying now. You were attracted to your t because he had some of the same qualities/problems as your Mom, and you learned how to change the way you react to that in a person. That's good. It does sound weird if your t is telling you what broke up his relationship though????

I'll have to ponder a bit whether this relates to my situation somehow. I think I'm attracted to this t because he's extroverted, which is completely the opposite of my FOO. He's also different from my father in that he's emotionally aware. He might be similar to Mom in that he tries to be mean sometimes. That sucks and it's a whole other reason I wonder if I should quit. Then I hope somehow he's got some legitimate excuse or purpose, even though I can't imagine how there could be one. But he's also really nice sometimes and I like him enough that I don't want to have to quit.

[unaluna]

Re my T's disclosures - I could tell he was being VERY careful in how he was wording things. He was answering specific questions from me, they weren't just casual, nosy-type "so how come you guys broke up, huh?", and he wasn't "dumping" - he literally said like 3 words, and it was all in this context. I can't stress enough how CAREFUL he was being, was sounding, so now that you mention it, I guess he did feel it was weird - I was the one who was unfeeling and oblivious, as usual!

Part of it is good practice in having really uncomfortable, really intimate (i don't mean sexy) conversations, which I think many of us who post in this forum particular do have a hard time with, and that's why we get stuck here. How many times do you read here, "but I could never tell T that!" Well, that's okay, you'll get there in your own time, but that's the problem, feeling you can't TALK to your partner about things, yet you (I) MARRY them? Or get pregnant, or move them into your house, or let them drive your car - but you can't tell T something? I'm so stupid I scare myself!

I am sorry I am not more articulate. I wouldn't say I LEARNED to change how to react. It's more like, T is a positive person towards me as my mother NEVER was. And that has built me up now to say, I don't want or need to repeat the r/s with my mother again, of trying to cheer up an inconsolable person. Ironically, I think T figured this out for himself earlier this year, I'm a few months behind! He did mention at the end of a couple of sessions that I had cheered him up, but it went in one ear and out the other. I mean, I think he's doing his own work on his moodiness and he has said there is something about me that lifts his mood when he didn't think it was possible. I'm like, yeah, my hairdresser says he's always glad to see me on the schedule. But T says, no, not just THAT. So idk. that sounds contradictory, but maybe his telling me that I cheered him up relieves me of the pressure of having to try? That's why comedians traditionally never wanted to go to therapy, they didn't want to lose their funny.

[learning1]

So, I think I'm following you maybe. You don't think your t was doing anything wrong by letting you cheer him up, since he wasn't doing it on purpose. And he was being very careful about how he discloses, not dumping things on you (but you still had been feeling the need to cheer him up). And maybe he just realized a few months ago that what was happening was you needing to cheer people up, and his moodiness was feeding into that. And now he's working on his moodiness. Did I get that right?

That is interesting about comedians being afraid of loosing their funny from therapy. When therapy felt like it worked for me, which was about 2 years ago, I realized I started laughing more. I still do. My t says he likes to laugh a lot- I think he's said that near the beginning of therapy both times. Then he asks me/(us when it was couples t) if I/we like to laugh a lot. In the past I would have felt like that question was a criticism of me for being too serious, but I didn't feel criticized so much the last time he asked me.

I'll remember what you said about "Part of it is good practice in having really uncomfortable, really intimate (i don't mean sexy) conversations, which I think many of us who post in this forum particular do have a hard time with, and that's why we get stuck here. " Hmm, I think there's something inherently hard in "really uncomfortable" conversations-- they wouldn't be "really uncomfortable" if they weren't hard, right? That probably sounds like a dumb thing to point out. But sometimes it seems like there are limits to what can really be communicated--there are always going to be things that are hard-- so it seems fake to try to make that go away. Anyway, most the time I believe I could get better at some difficult conversations and I really admire the things you say you talk to your t about sometimes. Now I'm thinking of a In Treatment episode I just watched where Paul first goes back to his therapist lady, and they have an incredibly dynamic, weird conversation where one minute they sound like they hate each other, incredible tension, the next second they're apologizing, the next second they're relaxed, then they're insulting each other again, all while being unclear if they're in a therapy relationship or a friendship .

Originally Posted by hankster

Re my T's disclosures - I could tell he was being VERY careful in how he was wording things. He was answering specific questions from me, they weren't just casual, nosy-type "so how come you guys broke up, huh?", and he wasn't "dumping" - he literally said like 3 words, and it was all in this context. I can't stress enough how CAREFUL he was being, was sounding, so now that you mention it, I guess he did feel it was weird - I was the one who was unfeeling and oblivious, as usual!

Part of it is good practice in having really uncomfortable, really intimate (i don't mean sexy) conversations, which I think many of us who post in this forum particular do have a hard time with, and that's why we get stuck here. How many times do you read here, "but I could never tell T that!" Well, that's okay, you'll get there in your own time, but that's the problem, feeling you can't TALK to your partner about things, yet you (I) MARRY them? Or get pregnant, or move them into your house, or let them drive your car - but you can't tell T something? I'm so stupid I scare myself!

I am sorry I am not more articulate. I wouldn't say I LEARNED to change how to react. It's more like, T is a positive person towards me as my mother NEVER was. And that has built me up now to say, I don't want or need to repeat the r/s with my mother again, of trying to cheer up an inconsolable person. Ironically, I think T figured this out for himself earlier this year, I'm a few months behind! He did mention at the end of a couple of sessions that I had cheered him up, but it went in one ear and out the other. I mean, I think he's doing his own work on his moodiness and he has said there is something about me that lifts his mood when he didn't think it was possible. I'm like, yeah, my hairdresser says he's always glad to see me on the schedule. But T says, no, not just THAT. So idk. that sounds contradictory, but maybe his telling me that I cheered him up relieves me of the pressure of having to try? That's why comedians traditionally never wanted to go to therapy, they didn't want to lose their funny.