Help me decide what to do here, please!

So which scenario is better?:

1. Keep seeing your therapist (whom you've grown painfully, lovingly attached to - for real AND idealized reasons) and have him fill a need that is missing in your relationship with your spouse (you have asked your spouse to fill this need and he's responded in a few small ways, but is unwilling to compromise on some big issues).

OR

2. Stop seeing your T, because your attachment to him MIGHT be impairing your ability to repair your marriage. But really, you fear that you might completely fall apart by not having a positive, supportive presence (in the form of T) in your life. You don't have other family for support, yet you have small children relying on you.

I wish I didn't have the feelings for T that I do! I don't want to want him, but I DO. Stupid side effects of therapy. He's been a really great T so far, and I'm still improving in many ways. He has never crossed any boundaries.

I'll be looking forward to responses to this wintergirl. I'm having a similar issue, so I have no great advice for you. My husband is unable or unwilling to make any real effort in our relationship to be what I need. I struggle not to fall totally and completely in love with my T.

Hey lady,

I have faced a similar conundrum (as you may remember), and the only advice I can give is from my own experiences and perspective. I don't think that you should stop seeing your therapist. I avoided therapy two weeks after I wrote my post in hopes that either I would stop needing him (the psychologist) as much or that the attraction to the man would fade. Neither of these came to be. And during my first session back we made another breakthrough -- all while I was painfully aware that we were within 6 inches of touching.

I think that at times therapy is supposed to show us what we can have, what we should have. I view your attraction to him as a positive thing, though I know that it is excruciating. You deserve to have someone completely invested in you and your well being. I of course have no idea what your home life is like, but I know that when I was struggling with my significant other, my feelings toward my therapist gave me hope for myself. I knew that despite my boyfriend's emotional attacks, guilt sprees, etc, if our relationship were to end, I would still be capable of loving another person. And of loving myself, to a shakier extent.

I don't think that you should stop seeing your therapist because I know that for me, I needed that possibility. I needed to remember what feelings I was capable of -- that I wasn't simply my depression or anxiety or rage, but capable of attraction, attachment, and love. I also thought that perhaps my attraction to my therapist was hindering my making up with my significant other, but when I was truly honest with myself, I knew the difference between the hopes/wishes i had for my therapist and the reality of the relationship I was in. And I chose to be loyal to myself. I continued working on my relationship but I didn't throw myself into it, was not willing to hurt myself over it. And my therapist was pleased with my decision (though we still haven't talked about how deeply attracted to him I am. Sigh. Something for next week, I suppose ) Transference/attraction is painful, but it showed me a part of myself I had almost forgot existed. It is so easy to be subsumed in relationships...but my attraction my therapist feels like coming up for air.

Have you told your therapist about your feelings? Does your spouse know what you're going through? I hope this helps in some way. Know that I feel for you and wish the best for you.

Thanks, kids and rosie!

I did tell my T about my feelings, and my H doesn't really know what I'm going through (although he does notice that I dress up a bit more when I go to T, so I think he suspects a crush).

Hi winter,
I agree with what rosie wrote. I think the fact that you have some very powerful feelings for him CAN be very helpful in your work. But you have to be extra aware of your feelings/motivations, in my opinion.

I went through a very similar situation. My H was simply unable to give me the physical and emotional intimacy I needed, because of his own damage. I think I would have fallen for my T regardless, because of the intense sexual chemistry we had, but the bad marriage made it worse, probably. However, being loved by my T, and experiencing myself as he saw me, was a huge part of my road to mental health. And were my H willing or able to work on himself and improve our relationship, I think it would have been fine. As it is, we grew farther apart, and my T and I closer. But the important part I want to share, is that the best work I ever did in therapy was when I was so attached to my T. I did tell him everything about how I felt, so it wasn't some secret between us (I keep absolutely nothing from him, and that has been critical to our work). So my feelings for him did not have to be the focus of our work, but was an important ingredient. The future of my marriage is in doubt, but I am grateful that my mental health and self-worth are no longer in the risk they used to be.

Hi wintergirl,

This is tricky because I think that neither of those scenarios is really your best option.

First, I definitely get this. I won't go into a whole long story but there was a time where my husband and I were on the brink of collapse, while at the same time I had these deep feelings of attachment to my T.

The thing is... if your marriage is in trouble, make it about your marriage. Your T can't really take the place of a spouse, not even partially. What if your T suddenly has to move, for family reasons? If that was your spouse, you'd move with him, but you're not going to uproot your own family to follow your T. It's still a caregiver/client relationship. I'm not sure whether this is what you're saying, so please disregard it if I'm incorrect... but you can't hang onto a bad marriage thinking that T will make it ok by filling in the blanks. You'll continue to be unhappy. Also, your T isn't going to fill in the blanks in terms of being a father (whose role should partly be to model for your kids how to be a good partner), because only you see T. You have to face the marriage issues head-on, and decide what you want to do regardless of whether T is in the picture.

THAT SAID. I don't think you should leave your T. I understand -- I REALLY do -- how it might feel like your attachment to T is compromising your ability to patch things up with your husband. If you were having an affair, this would be the case, but it's not quite the same with a T. Tell your T about this concern. He's there to help you (while a lover would not be), and can work WITH you to make therapy an environment where you simultaneously feel as ok as possible with the feelings you have, while also focusing on your marriage.

When things do become difficult, it's good to have a T you trust there. Whenever things blew up, T was there for me, and supported my determination to fix things with my husband, but also helped me draw clear lines as to what I would tolerate from my husband and what would mean that I leave him. He helped me focus, and that was only possible because we talked a lot about my husband, a lot about us, and a lot about the guilt I felt that I had all these fantasies about T picking up where my H left off. You do need your T, and if you can tolerate the feelings, this can be very rewarding.

But he's your T -- he can help you realize what you want from a healthy and loving relationship (as rosie and dirtandearth said), but he can't be an escape from reality.

Good luck. I know this can be really hard to tolerate at times. PM anytime.

Post of the week, Sally!

Thanks, dirt and Sally. It's really helpful to know I'm not alone (SO glad I found PC!).

Sally - I like your suggestion of making it about my marriage and the difference between an affair and seeing T (it's bizarre how I've blurred those lines).

I've been trying to space my appointments out more to try and deal with my stress on my own, but it's been difficult. And although my T is wonderful in many ways, I sense that he is uncomfortable discussing my feelings (which is understandable - he's human!) - but his discomfort makes it tougher for me to discuss the issue.

Yeah, it can't possibly be helping that he doesn't seem comfortable talking about it. If you can, you may want to just come out and say, "You don't seem to be comfortable talking about this." A couple times I have thought the same of my T (about other topics), and it turned out he thought that the material was too overwhelming for me and that I had wanted to not go too deep into it, so he didn't... just a misunderstanding. But of all things your T should be comfortable talking about, this one is right out of the textbook. He's not helping you by leaving you alone with it!

Although yes -- it's great to have PC around to make as all feel a little less alone with this sort of thing.

ETA: Also, I realized before I forgot to mention something... looking at the whole husband-vs-T thing from a different perspective: by allowing your husband to not meet your needs because you feel they're being met by T, you're letting him off the hook and selling yourself short. You deserve a partner who is making every effort toward a strong, secure relationship.

Lots of great advice here! I have been happily gaining progress with my T I am in love with for 2 years almost. She knows about my feelings for her and so does my husband. Fortunately, they both understand me: I HAVE A LOT OF FEELINGS...that's just me and that's it. My husband listens...I have cried on his shoulder about my feelings for my T. My husband and I haven't had sex for a long time (long story) and of course I don't have sex with my T (she explicitly told me she would not have sex with me and I believe her. She has also explicitly told me that my feelings are my feelings. And that my feelings for her--which are not ONLY sexual--make her feel good) so I am overwhelmingly emotional, and I am learning that I can sometimes comfort and satisfy myself--NOT ALWAYS. I will never be cured of needing a lot of love. So I hope my T and my husband aren't expecting perfection here. I agree with SallieBrown about letting husband off the hook. I had never thought of it that way. And I need to think about this for myself, thanks SallieBrown and wintergirl. I feel very close to you both because we have some similar intense issues and you are both so kind and thoughtful about all of this. I am going to FR you both. I need you.