[violettagialla]

First of all, pls forgive me any mistakes I might do, because english is
not my mother tongue.
The point is that in these days I feel like I'm going completely crazy (more than usual, I mean).
I have been seing a male T since six years and since the very beginning
I have developed a transfer towards him.
In the last few years I have had many problems with my husband
(suffering from bipolar disorder) and we have always been on the edge of separation, but never really finding the courage to do it.
In this situation, seeing my T one hour has become the goal of every
week, the thing helping me to survive through all the difficulties.
This week he told me he had nice news for me: he is getting daddy soon.
I managed to have the proper reaction and I congratulated him, I told
him how happy I was about this. Then I exited his studio and I burst into tears.
Of course I have always imagined he had a private life and he has always
been absolutely correct to me, never giving me any false hopes. I just had these fantasies about him cuddling me and giving me closeness and warmth. Now I just can't stand the thought of a woman expecting a baby from him. I keep thinking of how he will be near to her, support her...all things I will never have. I also think of him having sex with her and how sweet he might have been.
Of course I cannot talk to him about these feelings, because I don't want to spoil his happiness with my ill considerations and then I'm afraid he would despise me for being so mean, after he has done so much for me.
Has anyone gone through anything similar and do you have any suggestions on how I could stop thinking about this matter, which is becoming a true obsession. Yesterday I didn't even manage to go to work
and I feel desperate and ashamed about my stupidity. This reaction might suit my teen ager daughter, not a grown up woman like I am.
Thank you very much for yr help.

[nicoleflynn]

Your feelings are not right or wrong; they simply are, and should be honored and valued. Age is irrelevant. I do understand all you are saying. You might want to wait awhile and sometime bring up a little of what you are saying here.....I doubt he wlll be surprised; we cannot help how we feel. It is all real.

I have been where you are; after I told my t (6 yrs ago) about my feelings and love for him and he is married; I held it all in for a couple of hours, walked out of the door, got in the car and burst into tears. Hugs

[violettagialla]

Originally Posted by nicoleflynn

Your feelings are not right or wrong; they simply are, and should be honored and valued. Age is irrelevant. I do understand all you are saying. You might want to wait awhile and sometime bring up a little of what you are saying here.....I doubt he wlll be surprised; we cannot help how we feel. It is all real.

I have been where you are; after I told my t (6 yrs ago) about my feelings and love for him and he is married; I held it all in for a couple of hours, walked out of the door, got in the car and burst into tears. Hugs

Thank you very much for your words. I have thought I might simply
tell him that I'm a little worried that he won't be able to pay attention to me, now that he has this big event coming.
This is really an euphemism, but I cannot tell him more.
Have a nice day.

I'm sorry you are hurting so much and you didn't feel able to share your reaction and feelings with T. It also sounds like he didn't present the news in the most sensitive way, saying that he has 'nice news' for you without leaving space to consider whether this actually is 'nice' for you.

I wish my T was my mother, not my lover, but I share many of the same feelings and reactions that you have. I really can't bear the the thought of her being together with her husband. Earlier this week I dreamt she told me she was pregnant (she already has one child), and it was literally the end of my world. One of my thoughts was definitely 'she's had sex with him'. I felt quite shaken up for two days afterwards. I talked through the dream and my feelings with T and she was helpful in mapping it back onto what things were like for me when my mother became pregnant with my siblings.

I honestly think that given that you're so distressed that it's impairing your ability to go to work, you should tell T. It's not ruining his happiness- you're not there to meet his needs or be polite. You're there to understand yourself, and this feels really important.

[violettagialla]

Originally Posted by Improving

I'm sorry you are hurting so much and you didn't feel able to share your reaction and feelings with T. It also sounds like he didn't present the news in the most sensitive way, saying that he has 'nice news' for you without leaving space to consider whether this actually is 'nice' for you.

I wish my T was my mother, not my lover, but I share many of the same feelings and reactions that you have. I really can't bear the the thought of her being together with her husband. Earlier this week I dreamt she told me she was pregnant (she already has one child), and it was literally the end of my world. One of my thoughts was definitely 'she's had sex with him'. I felt quite shaken up for two days afterwards. I talked through the dream and my feelings with T and she was helpful in mapping it back onto what things were like for me when my mother became pregnant with my siblings.

I honestly think that given that you're so distressed that it's impairing your ability to go to work, you should tell T. It's not ruining his happiness- you're not there to meet his needs or be polite. You're there to understand yourself, and this feels really important.

Thank you very much for yr answer. Yesterday I was on the phone with him and I managed to tell him something, well, actually one hundredth part of what I'm feeling... He has been sympathetic and he has told me we can discuss this when we meet. He also said he expected some reactions of this kind and he told me in advance, so that we might try to settle the issue together. Now I feel a little relieved and a little ashamed at the same time. Maybe I will be able to tell him also about my thoughts about how much care her partner is receiving in this moment.

[unaluna]

violettagialla, I LOVE your name, sono italiana anch'io. mi parenti vieni di frosinone. io non parlo molto bene, ma capisco tutti!

I am somewhat surprised that a male T would disclose he is going to become a parent. A female T can't avoid disclosing if she giving birth, and I know stuff has been written about that, but a man disclosing? Why? My T didn't even tell me about his change in marital status when we restarted. Okay, so maybe the peanut gallery is saying, wow, he REALLLLY didn't want the hankster to know he was available! yeah - he always wants me to ASK - I hate that. still, does this seem like oversharing to anyone else? Now violetta has a can of worms not of her making. it CAN be therapeutic, but isn't it also intrusive on T's part? EDITED TO ADD: altho this being a relationship of 6 years might make a difference, yes I could understand T may disclose more by now.

[violettagialla]

Ciao Hankster, la tua risposta mi ha fatto molto piacere, io abito vicino a Milano!

When I heard him on the phone, he told me he had chosen to tell me this because he will away for a while and he didn't want me to feel abandoned.
Maybe he had overestimated my capability to react in a proper way. The truth is
I just feel excluded and I keep thinking of how that woman must be to deserve
such a man. Maybe I would better stop going to him, if this means to feel such a pain.

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by violettagialla

The truth is I just feel excluded and I keep thinking of how that woman must be to deserve
such a man.

This is good psychology! This is good that he told you, many questions arise from this feeling. What was your role, your feeling in your family - did you feel excluded, was another brother or sister the favorite? I understand this is a terrible feeling, but it may have more to do with how Italians viewed daughters as less important than sons, and how that affected you growing up? I still struggle with my role and the family's perception of me.
And why do you assume Therapist is a good husband? Maybe this one is, but many, after talking to mostly women all day, do not talk the same way to the wife. My therapist's ex-wife told me this herself, I saw her at a designer's show and introduced myself. She said she complained to her girlfriends that, "You THINK you married a psychologist!" She was so beautiful - but the marriage did not last long. So you never know what is truly going on there, it is all our imagination. But you can learn more about yourself from this.

[violettagialla]

Originally Posted by hankster

This is good psychology! This is good that he told you, many questions arise from this feeling. What was your role, your feeling in your family - did you feel excluded, was another brother or sister the favorite? I understand this is a terrible feeling, but it may have more to do with how Italians viewed daughters as less important than sons, and how that affected you growing up? I still struggle with my role and the family's perception of me.
And why do you assume Therapist is a good husband? Maybe this one is, but many, after talking to mostly women all day, do not talk the same way to the wife. My therapist's ex-wife told me this herself, I saw her at a designer's show and introduced myself. She said she complained to her girlfriends that, "You THINK you married a psychologist!" She was so beautiful - but the marriage did not last long. So you never know what is truly going on there, it is all our imagination. But you can learn more about yourself from this.

Well, with my T we have worked on my childhood: I do have an elder brother, but I think my problems lie more in the relationship I have with
my father. He is a strict man and, when I was a child, he worked so much that he hardly had time for us and the only thing I was told in his regards was "he is tired, do not disturb him". Then when I was a woman I chose a man who was the opposite of my father, he seemed sweet and patient, but then he became ill with bipolar disorder and this really changed our lives. I think he was angry at me for not being sick like he was. He continuously told me "you are healthy and strong, you don't need anything" so I had to be strong and keep growing my daughters alone, but my need for tenderness has remained there, patiently sitting in a corner, and just waiting for the right occasion to peep out.
I first went to my T because I was exhausted by this situation and he
was so sympathetic and kind that I quickly became addict to seeing him.
He has the capability to express with words exactly what I feel.
He never treated me like an unbreakable thing, like everyone else did and
now I just can't stand the thought of the amount of cares he will give his partner.
Then maybe you are right and he won't be like I see him every minute of his day, but we often happened to discuss of how a couple should be and he said such beautiful things I just can't forget.
My only hope is that, in time, this kind of blow I have received will help me to go back to real life and to appreciate what I have, instead of living for one hour a week.

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by hankster

violettagialla, I LOVE your name, sono italiana anch'io. mi parenti vieni di frosinone. io non parlo molto bene, ma capisco tutti!

I am somewhat surprised that a male T would disclose he is going to become a parent. A female T can't avoid disclosing if she giving birth, and I know stuff has been written about that, but a man disclosing? Why? My T didn't even tell me about his change in marital status when we restarted. Okay, so maybe the peanut gallery is saying, wow, he REALLLLY didn't want the hankster to know he was available! yeah - he always wants me to ASK - I hate that. still, does this seem like oversharing to anyone else? Now violetta has a can of worms not of her making. it CAN be therapeutic, but isn't it also intrusive on T's part? EDITED TO ADD: altho this being a relationship of 6 years might make a difference, yes I could understand T may disclose more by now.

There doesn't seem to be any agreed standard about how much a T should disclose. We've argued it round and round on this board!

But I doubt that T could keep a baby secret for long anyway. Sooner or later he's going to turn up with baby-food in his hair.

[violettagialla]

Anyway yesterday I had another session and I managed to disclose some of my thoughts. The T wasn't upset and he told me everything is as it should be and I
can trust him to understand. He also asked me to call him every day, since he understands I'm experiencing a great distress in this moment.
I asked him to tell me the name of his partner, because I'm thinking of her so often
and I need to give her a name, but he refused and told me this would just make me feel even worse. Maybe he is right, I don't know. Sometimes I feel like I'm a sort of stalker and I hate this thought, but the feeling is so overwhelming I just can't hide it anymore.

[mommyof2girls]

Originally Posted by hankster

violettagialla, I LOVE your name, sono italiana anch'io. mi parenti vieni di frosinone. io non parlo molto bene, ma capisco tutti!

I am somewhat surprised that a male T would disclose he is going to become a parent. A female T can't avoid disclosing if she giving birth, and I know stuff has been written about that, but a man disclosing? Why? My T didn't even tell me about his change in marital status when we restarted. Okay, so maybe the peanut gallery is saying, wow, he REALLLLY didn't want the hankster to know he was available! yeah - he always wants me to ASK - I hate that. still, does this seem like oversharing to anyone else? Now violetta has a can of worms not of her making. it CAN be therapeutic, but isn't it also intrusive on T's part? EDITED TO ADD: altho this being a relationship of 6 years might make a difference, yes I could understand T may disclose more by now.

Hankster==== My Ex T had told me in one session that he had good and bad news......He stated that he and his wife were getting back together .....Yikes talk about disclosing ( maybe he that that would help with my transference issues ) .... Amoungst other things he had told me ....My ex t was very open about sharing his personal life.....Maybe that could be a reason, I am having so many issues with letting him go....

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by violettagialla

I asked him to tell me the name of his partner

violettagialla, we can help you pick a name for la moglia - la befana, la putta, la civetta...

I hope you will call him. Don't think about if you will call him every day, if that will bother him too much. Just take one day at a time. These feelings ARE as they should be, and it is brave of you to share them with him, and with us. It is better to have these feelings with T, even if embarrassing, who understands and can help us, than to take them out on other people or ourselves.

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by mommyof2girls

My ex t was very open about sharing his personal life.....Maybe that could be a reason, I am having so many issues with letting him go....

Hey mommyof2, that does sound like he did not do a very good job of setting boundaries. like he built up expectations in you, whether he consciously realized it or not; like he was hedging his bets. I wouldn't call him a bad T; just maybe not a very good one, or one who was vulnerable when he was treating you because of what was going on in his personal life, and he really could have handled it better. I think you have a right to be angry, and your current T should be helping you "process" that anger (whatever that means!), because I wonder if this isn't a pattern, if you weren't taken advantage of before, by someone else who was vulnerable? It always appears to be a mutually supportive situation of wounded partners, but you always end up getting hurt more, or abandoned, is what i'm thinking.

[violettagialla]

Originally Posted by hankster

violettagialla, we can help you pick a name for la moglia - la befana, la putta, la civetta...

I hope you will call him. Don't think about if you will call him every day, if that will bother him too much. Just take one day at a time. These feelings ARE as they should be, and it is brave of you to share them with him, and with us. It is better to have these feelings with T, even if embarrassing, who understands and can help us, than to take them out on other people or ourselves.

Ahahahah I like yr suggestions about the name for his wife. But deep inside me I know she will be a wonderful woman, one like I will never be...
Ciao ciao

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by violettagialla

But deep inside me I know she will be a wonderful woman, one like I will never be...

I think it is the people who can accept imperfection who find partners, and some happiness. Those of us who expect perfection, in ourselves and in others, cannot tolerate mere humanity. We were raised with the idea that we would be loved only if we were good, only if we were good enough - we can never achieve that ideal, so we will never be loved, nor find anyone good enough to love us.

My T's 2nd wife, the one I met, was very beautiful, but she was an idiot, and mean. Yet he married her. I too thought she must have been something special. My brother is a T. That makes my sister-in-law this very special woman? Believe me, she is not! This is an illusion. Try to find out what is behind the illusion, for you.

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by hankster

I think it is the people who can accept imperfection who find partners, and some happiness. Those of us who expect perfection, in ourselves and in others, cannot tolerate mere humanity. We were raised with the idea that we would be loved only if we were good, only if we were good enough - we can never achieve that ideal, so we will never be loved, nor find anyone good enough to love us.

This is wisdom.

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by CantExplain

This is wisdom.

Thank you, CE.

[InTherapy]

Originally Posted by hankster

It is the people who can accept imperfection who find partners, and some happiness. Those of us who expect perfection, in ourselves and in others, cannot tolerate mere humanity. We were raised with the idea that we would be loved only if we were good, only if we were good enough - we can never achieve that ideal, so we will never be loved, nor find anyone good enough to love us.

Wow. I'm going to be thinking about this in regards to my life for a long time. It rings true, every word.

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by InTherapy

Wow. I'm going to be thinking about this in regards to my life for a long time. It rings true, every word.

Or I bend over backwards accepting too much carp from people, that a normal sensible person would naturally have a boundary about. hard to find a happy medium.