Abused by therarapist and dont know how to deal my feelings

I dont know where to start, im feeling so much pain that i feel like dying. Have seriously thought that dying is the only way out of this pain that im feeling. My therapist had sex with me for 3 years. He never forced me to do anything. I wanted it also and i enjoyed it. However the crunch came when he told me that he had been deregistered from practising again due to doing the same to another patient. I have reported him to the medical board for what he did to me. I thought that he cared about me...not as in love of course but that he cared about me as a person. My husband and I havent had a sexual relationship for many many years and i was feeling desperately lonely and needed to feel intimacy again. He provided this for me and at the time I really enjoyed and didnt think that he was causing me harm by doing what he did. Its only now that its over that the feelings of being used by him have hit me. On one hand i hate him for what he did to me, but on the other hand i miss him. I feel so mixed up and dont know how im supposed to continue my life without him. I trusted my therapist for 20 years and during the first 17 years he did help me through life issues and how to cope with things at were happening in my life. I thought of him as someone that i could confide in and felt a strong bond towards him. I didnt tell anyone what happened for just over a year and just recently i told my new therapist thinking that i would feel better talking to someone about what happened but i dont feel any better. If anything I feel as though no one understands the sheer pain and heartache that im dealing with. I just cannot live with this pain and im afraid that in a moment of grief and pain that i will blurt this out to my husband.....my husband knows nothing of what happended....

It's going to take a lot of time to get through this Lizzie, but you can do it. I'm so sorry this happened to you, but I am glad that it is no longer happening. How are things with your new therapist? It's tough to start again with someone new, but if you're liking this person so far, there's hope that he/she will be able to guide you through the process of grief. The feelings here are deep and complicated. That is the sort of twisted nature of being used... these feelings of trust and need are utilized by someone for his/her own gain, but even after you realize what's up, it's not like those feelings that have been cultivated for so long disappear.

As someone who was unfaithful, my advice in dealing with your husband is to PLAN to tell him, so that it doesn't all come out at a really bad time. It will always be a bad time, but if you can prepare yourself a little and try to do it while you are as prepared as you can be to deal with his grief and likely anger, you'll be putting yourself in a better position. If I couldn't take back that actual betrayal, the next thing I would change would be to tell H myself -- I didn't, he found out on his own, and I really think it went a lot worse that way. It would have made a big difference if I had decided to come clean, and personally, I had really not been prepared for what it would look like to try to fix things. I don't want to scare you, but it will be really hard, and it will feel very burdensome for a while. But it will be WAY less burdensome than carrying the secret. PM anytime.

Hopefully others will respond... although I have never had this experience with a T, I and many others here know well how deep that bond goes, and how brutal a betrayal of that sort of deep trust can be. Take care of yourself.

If you contact TELL --online ......(for clients who have been abused and exploited by their therapists) you can find help there......lots of resources and if you contact them they are wonderfully helpful. I did that. It takes awhile to process being abused and betrayed. Sex with a client is unethical and in some states a felony. Unfotunately, abuse by therapists is rampant in our culture, but goes unnoticed for the most part, and therapists don't police their own.

How on earth can i tell my husband what happened? I have to learn to live with the secret for the rest of my life. Its trying to deal with the trust that i had for my therapist for 20 years. All those years i believed that he had my best interests at heart but he used and violated me. He knew the consequences that his actions would leave on me but he didnt care. He thought first and foremost about himself and groomed me to believe and to trust him. I feel so torn between my feelings of trust and my feelings of hatred and disgust at him. How can i ever trust anyone ever again....

Your sig says something like "treat others as you would like them to treat you."

How would you like your husband to behave if the shoe were on the other foot?

Why would you hope to trust if you yourself can't be trusted?

Maybe if you work backwards from putting yourself in your husband's position, you'll get further understanding about trust?

It's a painful thing you've gone through. I'm glad there are resources for your issue, but sad that there has to be such a thing.

So what are saying?

That this entire situation was my fault and that I'm not to be trusted ?

Forgive me if I am reading this incorrectly, but that's the impression that i am getting

Part of the damage your exploitative T has done - he has created a toxic secret that you have to protect. I have told only a few people that the woman I lived with for two years was first my therapist. Double whammy of the lesbian stigma in a small town. You have the doubling of the pain because of the secret kept from your husband . I don’t have an answer - I wish I did.

Dear Lizzie

I am so sorry you have gone through this terrible experience. It is so sad that this has happened to you but unfortunately it doesn't surprise me. Please try to hold onto the fact that it isn't your fault - he exploited a very vulnerable part of you for his own gratification - he was the therapist/ adult /parent and you were the client and what he did was very wrong.

It's really great that you have come here. Try to keep on talking about it - you don't have to do anything that feels too hard at the moment - like telling your husband. Unfortunately he may not realise this isn't just an 'affair' - in runs much deeper than that. For now tell us and your new therapist and speak the pain, rage and despeair you are feeling. I will be listening.

With support

Moon

Dear Lizzie: ; That is a tough one; trying to trust when it has been violated. There are many books on sexual abuse by therapists (I found many in the TELL website); they are shocking. Sex in the Forbidden Zone is an excellent one by Peter Rutter. I have spoken with some responders on the TELL website. They are amazing. As for telling your husband that is something you should speak with with your new therapist. My therapy was sexualized for 7 years (no intercourse), but devastating. I kept a record of all that he said and did; it was also physical...he led me on big time.....he was married AND a pastor! Keep talking, that is the only way to begin to heal. There are some things we never fully heal from, but find a way to live with them. I recommend the TELL website and books on the subject; it helps a lot to know you aren't alone. If you want the names of the books, just ask and I will give you the titles. Hugs, Nicole

Thank you for understanding and for not judging me. As soon as think about what he did to me i get a overwhelming sensation of pain in the pit of my stomach that just wont go away. I feel physically and emotionally sick. What hurts the most is that for 20 years of my life I thought that i had someone who i could turn to regarding any difficulites or problems that came up in my life and he always knew the answers. This is even before the sexual abuse commenced. I trusted him and not once did i question his advice or his motives towards me. I honestly thought he cared about my well being. Now im left with conflicting emotions......that part of me who thought i had someone i could go to to reasurre me and advise me of what to do is gone. He was like a father figure to me and i was the child who believed and trusted him. Now Im left with feeling of being violated and used and harmed. He knew what this would do to me but he didnt care. This is the most difficult issue that ive ever had to cope with in my life. The pain just wont go away. Those thoughts and feeling keep running through my head until i feel like escaping this madness. I have never thought about self harming myself so much as i have since this has happened. My current therapist seems understanding and is helping me work through my feelings but no one can erase the past from my head. I want peace....i dont want to think about it anymore and the only way i can think of to do this is to no longer be alive.

Thank you Nicole, if its no trouble could i have the titles of those books that you spoke about. Knowing that im no so alone in the way that im feeling might help me to understand and not feel so afraid and so very alone....x

Feel as though i have lost a friend and cant cope with these feelings that im expereincing. Cant motivate myself to do the most basic of tasks and just cannot function. No longer take pride in the way that i look....i hate everything about myself and I see no future. How will i ever be able to trust anyone ever again. I feel so alone and so very afraid. Will these feeling ever go away...thank you for letting me vent. I dont expect any answers.... am just basically writing down my feelings as i experience then in the hope that get through this nitemare.

[QUOTE=LizzieVale;3005044]Feel as though i have lost a friend and cant cope with these feelings that im expereincing. Cant motivate myself to do the most basic of tasks and just cannot function. No longer take pride in the way that i look....i hate everything about myself and I see no future. How will i ever be able to trust anyone ever again. I feel so alone and so very afraid.

Lizzie, I have been through all if this. It IS getting better. It gets better, then not so good, then better, then a little worse, then better ,,,,,,, figure 8's , but dragging toward the goal. I did some EMDR around it, which really helped.

I will send the titles on Monday (have the list at work) Try to not hate yourself; that is so defeating. You did nothing wrong. Try to put the anger where it belongs....on the abuser. I know that is hard. I had that experience. I am glad you have a therapist!

If you are experiencing panic attacks, please....deep breaths, calming exercises, get off the board and have some personal time to get yourself together. I know how scary those can be.

First and foremost Lizzie, I sympathize with your experience. Obviously I'm sorry for whatever lead you to this course of action, obviously you had a lot of pain to deal with, and no one jumps into an affair...lightly, no less one in which the person you're supposed to be getting help from, is your seducer.

However....it does take two to tango. Nicole says you "did nothing wrong." While I feel for your pain, that is not true, and you SHOULD examine beyond desire, the need to feel wanted and needed and desired, what really lead you into this affair. Things, don't just "happen."

Now before I say one word about that, where I agree with every single person on this board, is that your therapist should be taken to task with everything that could be thrown at him, he should lose his license, if there are legal actions that can be taken against this predator, the entire book should be thrown at him. This man intercepted when you were at your weakest.

But I think you need to do a lot of self examination as well. I feel empathy towards you, having a partner who is unable to perform because of physical reasons, is a very difficult thing to deal with, but instead of going to your partner and attempting to find common ground, you did in fact CHOOSE to engage in a three year affair with your therapist. No one, from what you're writing about here, put a GUN to your head, you were not co-erced into this relationship, you willingly went there, and that is going to require self reflection, not to mention, you will need someone REAL to speak to, as you now have an additional problem to add to whatever you were in therapy for, this being infidelity, and from what I can gather, therapist or no therapist, you engaged in an affair for the very same reasons most people engage in affairs, that being, their relationships are forcing them to seek what they do not have elsewhere. It could be EASY to blame the majority on this upon a therapist who chose to pounce when you were weak, and believe me, this IS something he did, and he should be removed of his ability to practice. However, you DID accept and receive his affections willingly and for 3 years at that. We're talking about a long term affair. Those don't happen just because....

I read that you've already discussed this with your significant other, and that he's forgiven you, is frankly amazing and miraculous, but I hope you were frank about the the entirety of the situation and didn't blame it ALL on your THERAPIST because aside from it being untrue, it's not going to help you heal in the long run and solve the issues that caused the infidelity in your marriage. Living with a lie will hurt EVERYONE involved, MOST OF ALL YOU.

I wish you healing and hope.

Idk - i believe the client is legally the victim of a crime that the therapist committed. And let us try to remember that we want to support, not judge?

Hankster, I am absolutely NOT judging. But there is a distinction from not passing judgement and buttering someone's delicate onions. I feel absolutely horrible for her. I made this clear.

But I think it's unhealthy to live....with a chronic lie. It eats away at you. I know this. I did this. Before I was married, I was in a long term relationship, and it was BAD. It was a very psychologically damaging relationship, in which he manipulated me, and a whole bunch of weirdnesses. I was in a touring rock band, and began, towards the big blow up ending, to cheat. The opportunities were there, and I took them. Never mind that he'd been cheating on and off with me. I was determined to be the bigger person and by the end? Nope. I didn't.

And I didn't tell him. Not til it kept me up at night, caused insomnia, and made me absolutely self destructive. Doing wrong, is not the same as BEING wrong. She's a beautiful hurt human being, but she did, something wrong, and something thankfully her husband is forgiving her for.

And if you read everything I wrote, I ABSOLUTELY think she was the involved in a crime committed. I believe that this therapist is a predator, and worse, a multiple offense predator.

But as intense as it can be, as skilled as he was, as much emotional leverage as he had over her, and moreover at a time when she was vulnerable, it does NOT absolve the issues that brought her to AGREE to have this affair. And those issues are worth examination, hopefully with a therapist that isn't a creep or a criminal.

I hope this is made clear by my response. That and I hope that bastard is put out of business and more.

Coltrane, we need you to learn more about this issue.

I do completely trust that you are trying to be supportive.

Therapists are trained to respond ethically even to SEDUCTION by their clients. They take an oath.
There is no way that any client enters into a relationship with a therapist with trully informed consent.

Therapists who do this very gradually groom their victims - pushing boundary after boundary. Until the final leap into the relationship is only a tiptoe over a threshold. Just like a sex offender luring a child - building trust, stretching reality, isolating the victim . The therapist has listened to the client for hours- and knows exactly buttons to push to manipulate the client's feelings.

I don't know that anything that I say will change your position, but I need to make sure that people who have experienced abuse at the hands of the person who they should have been able to trust most - their therapist, hear that the client, while a participant , doesn't share blame.

Thank you Nicole....am trying my best to deal with my feelings. Am seeing my new therapist tomorrow x

Lizzie,
I am so sorry and I do relate to the feelings you are going through. Hang in there! You can do this and write as often as you need. You are not alone. I relate in many ways. The TELL website - read their articles/papers - all of them. Seriously. And email them!

You have relied on this man for a long time, he made you believe that you needed him. 20 years is very enmeshed. He sexually abused you regardless of if you liked or not. It was his duty to respect you and uphold ethics. Ethics and laws really are there to protect you - and for a good reason. He has broken so many that I feel scared for people seeing him right now.

You CAN live through this, YOU can find real support and respect, even if you don't trust them right away. You have been abused. For me, validating it all has been difficult. Because I also miss him, I also loved him....to both miss him and understand that I were seriously exploited is so difficult. It's not your fault, yet you get to feel the fall out.

For the first two weeks after my own fall out - I think I cried more than I ever have in my life. And the only way I could get myself to eat was to eat my favorite food every day. I'm just saying, find your own way to take care of yourself, those little things that make you feel good do make a difference. And know that you are not alone.

With compassion.