[allme]

Hi all.

Quick run down - I had an affair with previous t. No sex but alot of physical stuff. Not seen or contacted him in a year so its over.

But anyway, my CPN wants me to start seeing a new t because of my anger problems. I feel anxious and excited all at once. A part of me wants it to be like old t. To feel that drug again. Is there something wrong with me? I mean, deep down, I don't really want this but a part of me wants that feeling to live on. I know it's transference and all that but I can't help but feel like I miss it and all this talk of new t is driving me crazy. Hoping it's a man...but not. Arghhhhhhh! Maybe I should ask for a female? I know I should really.

Just need a slap! Pls don't judge me. I am only being honest and am here cause I want help.

[unaluna]

Hi! I'm glad you're back! I don't know if there's a slap emoticon but here's a hug!! you're so funny!

[allme]

Lol thanks...hugs are always welcome!

[rainbow8]

Originally Posted by allme

Hi all.

Quick run down - I had an affair with previous t. No sex but alot of physical stuff. Not seen or contacted him in a year so its over.

But anyway, my CPN wants me to start seeing a new t because of my anger problems. I feel anxious and excited all at once. A part of me wants it to be like old t. To feel that drug again. Is there something wrong with me? I mean, deep down, I don't really want this but a part of me wants that feeling to live on. I know it's transference and all that but I can't help but feel like I miss it and all this talk of new t is driving me crazy. Hoping it's a man...but not. Arghhhhhhh! Maybe I should ask for a female? I know I should really.

Just need a slap! Pls don't judge me. I am only being honest and am here cause I want help.

I totally understand because it's my pattern too! Person after person, and T after T. I'm trying to stop it but it's SO hard. I'll write more later. Have to go. But I have always seen female Ts. It doesn't matter. Not to be negative, but I'm not gay, and I fall in love with my female Ts. It would be the same with a male T. I'm glad you're honest. I totally get the "wanting to feel that drug" again. It's why I can't quit therapy!

[allme]

Oh man, although I want it to happen again I really don't think I could go through it again. It was torment before. Eeeek!

[rainbow8]

My stuff is all fantasies, no acting out in therapy with my Ts. It's in my mind and it's not sexual, but it often feels that way. It's more that "wanting to be in love" feeling, and Ts satisfy it, but as you know, it's torture.

If I were you, I'd first thing tell the new T your history. That will help so nothing will happen. Be sure it's an ethical T! Telling mine didn't stop it, though. She understands, and now I'm trying to work on getting those feelings in my marriage, which I don't know is possible or not, after so many years of not having them.

Don't let this stop you from getting the help you need. You're aware of your pattern and that's important!! I understand a part of you wanting it to happen, and healthier parts not wanting it. That's how it is for me. I went into T with my T 3 years ago, saying "I don't want to attach to her in that way", but I did, and it's the same old story. It's hard to change old patterns we have for a reason. Have you worked on the "reasons" for yours, in T? Maybe you can this time.

[Jungatheart]

Allme,

My first reaction is for you to go with a female therapist. To help you feel more safe and comfortable working through what happened with last T. Trust your guts - they are slapping you on their own!

To feel that drug again, I completely, 100% understand that feeling. Something is so off about it, huh? A healthy therapeutic relationship should not feel like a drug.

I hope that you find someone with healthy boundaries that really has your best interests in mind.