So confused...sexual attraction to female T

So I am new here...I have been seeing my current T since January. I have been pushing away feelings of attraction with my female therapist...I am female (and think I am heterosexual).

Anyway, some stuff came up with some stuff I was working on about a memory from middle school when I was in a relationship with another girl. It has never been outside of my head since the experience in middle school.

Anyway, I have only briefly mentioned this experience in with my T -- and confirmed with her that it was indeed a physical relationship. And that I feel a lot of shame about it (I am a Christian - with a Christian counselor - and these kinds of things are not ok - sinful blah blah blah). Anyway...there have been times I have questioned my sexuality -- feeling attracted to other women.

Remembering this experience -- it is intensifying the attraction I am feeling toward my T. I am feeling desires that i didn't know were there...or possible for me.

I understand that transference issues are real...and common. I don't think I could ever discuss with her the level of attraction I am feeling...I feel like I am stalking her in a sense...I found her FB page...I go to see if she's updated status, to see her picture...I even saved her picture to my computer. I have her voicemails saved. Her emails saved. I feel like I'm starting to obsess. Fantasies...in our last session...I just kept thinking about how beautiful/sexy she is...I wished she would touch me...even just touch my hand. Even just thinking of this...it's arousing me...

I don't know what to do...it just seems so complicated...and I am so confused.

Any suggestions/feedback...I feel like I am going crazy...

Pink, do you really believe that being attracted to someone of the same sex is bad or sinful, or are you just quoting the official belief of your religious group about it? And has your T really said she thinks it's sinful or are you just assuming that? I know that not all Christians believe homosexuality is a sin.

Hmm...thought I had responded...not sure what happeend to it...

anyway...I have been told all my life that it IS wrong, and it's really hard to get rid of those thoughts/beliefs.

my T is at a christian counseling center at that is based in a very conservative baptist church. VERY conservative. I AM making an assumption, but I think the assumption is based on some valid reasons.

thank you for your response

Pink: first, take a breath. You are not going crazy, you're not a stalker; as you said, what you're going through is common and very real. It also need not be seen as a reflection of your "true" sexual preference--its source is much deeper than that, and there have been many people who confused those fierce feelings for attraction to someone whom they wouldn't ordinarily be drawn to.

There are two clear issues at play here: your transference/attachment feelings for your T, and your questions about your sexuality and where it fits in your life. The transference is something you can work out with your therapist, in a healthy way. It's a great opportunity to learn a lot about yourself, and do some healing.

But I urge you, if you do truly question your sexual preference (based on other experiences/feelings in your life, not your feelings for T), to seek out a gay Christian group or pastor. As long as the thought "I am having strong feelings for my therapist" is followed by "Am I gay?", you will be carrying a bucket of shame and fear that won't easily be resolved with someone who believes you should feel shameful about it.

I'm not saying to dump your therapist, or anything like that. But you deserve the opportunity to explore your feelings without shame, and come to your conclusions in a supportive environment. I've seen too many of my friends and lovers suffer unnecessarily under the pressure of trying to resolve their identities as gay Christians alone.

Either way, good luck, and be kind to yourself on this journey.

I have had feelings for other women before. I had a good friend...and we used to snuggle up on the couch and watch movies together. I knew she was bisexual...and I liked it.
There's another woman in my life, a friend of mine, that I have felt attraction to as well (though I know she's very much heterosexual and very happily married) -- but there have definitely been other women I have been attracted...the attraction to my T is just a lot stronger.

I agree with FTB that the transference and the question of your sexuality are kind of separate issues. However, I don't see how you can work either of them out in therapy if you feel like your T is just going to judge you about them. I think you might have to find a T with a less condemning view about homosexuality...

yeah...i don't know what to do. i saw her today...and it was good to see her.
and maybe they really are separate issues...but I have had times when I have been questioning my sexuality....so when i started feeling those things for my T it brought it all back

Of course being there brings the feelings up! That is to be expected, and hopefully, your therapist can reinforce the normalcy of what you're feeling, regardless of your gender or hers. I'm gay, have known and been completely okay with it since I was 16 years old (and I'm in my late 40's now), and my current emotional experience with my T is way beyond my experience or understanding. Those projected feelings and attachments are intense and confusing enough, without throwing questions about your sexuality in the mix. I can't imagine working through all that while worrying about sin and shame and rejection of your essential self.

boredporcupine is right: you may not be able to resolve this in an environment where something as essential and deep as your sexual identity is condemned or rejected. It's shaming and can be very damaging, and it's not going to go away. Rather, it's likely to get significantly worse, and if you can't speak openly about it to your therapist without fear of condemnation, therapy isn't going to be of much help at all.

So, two questions: Is it absolutely necessary for you to seek Christian counseling as opposed to a more "traditional" therapeutic model? And if it is, are you prepared to openly speak of your questions about your sexual orientation with your therapist, and accept her recommendations or treatment?

If not, you owe it to yourself to seek help that doesn't come pre-loaded with judgement. My experiences (and, granted, my biases) tell me that conservative Christianity and the healthy exploration of sexual identity are incompatible. Your experience may prove different, but unless you face that head-on, it's likely to keep jumping up and biting you.

you're absolutely right.
there are also so many things right now that i have been TRYING to reconcile with my faith lately...and it's like now there's another. it's kind of stressful.

my experiences also tell me that exploring sexuality in a conservative christian atmosphere is not an easy thing.

want to know something interesting? where i lived before, i searched for a christian counselor and couldn't find one anywhere...but HERE...it seems that they are ALL Christian...

Hi Pink,
I know that this is an old thread, but I came across it and wanted to comment anyway. I really hope your T is not telling you that your attraction to women is sinful. If indeed she is, she is not a good T for you.

As far as your attraction to women. Believe what YOU want to believe, not what other TELL you to believe. I'm a Bisexual Woman, and I've come to be very proud of who I am. I simply love people. I don't look at a gender, I look at a persons soul, and that is what I fall in love with. The physical part (sex) is secondary.

Think about this, do you wear cotton blend shirts? I bet you do...and guess what, that's a "sin" according to the bible, but I assure you everyone wears cotton blend...no one pays attention to that. The only reason they make such a big deal about same sex relationships is because it's "bold" and "different" than a hetero realationship.

Life is SO short, and it goes SO fast. If you believe god made you, that means he made you PERFECT JUST THE WAY YOU ARE. Please remember that, and if you feel you need to chat feel free to PM me anytime. I struggled with my sexuality when I was younger, mostly because I couldn't understand it. But I know exactly who I am now, and I am very happy and content with that.

Also - You might want to consider seeing a LGBTQ friendly therapist. So you can explore your feelings without judgement.

"People throw rocks at things that shine"

"Sorry I'm only human, you know me. Grown up? Oh no , guess again..."

Oh sweet, you poor thing. Seriously, try not to let it worry you too much. I could have written your post and I am a married straight woman....I thought...lol. Although I don't have extreme sexual thoughts about my female therapist, I do love her very much. I have being seeing her for a long time and have done all the things you have, fb etc. I still think about her every single day, what life will be like without her etc. When she is on holiday, I am lost and alone without her, despite the fact I have a loving network around me. Try not to be too hard on yourself, and yes, find a non Christian councellor you talk to. PM me any time......Ive got lots of experience....lol x

i totally agree with learning me 01.

I know how you feel as I did experience this same thing with my therapist. and i too felt like i was becoming a stalker. I ended my sessions with her cuz it was just too painful to deal with,

I am right there with you. And my T isn't exactly what I would normally call "sexy"! I am also very much questioning my sexuality. Although I am married and have children, I find that I am very attracted to women. I have even acted on those attractions with certain friends, and I find that I definitely like women.

My T tells me that I am only attracted to women because my "inner child self" is in need of comfort and female affection. My "adult self" turns that sexual, because that is how adults express intimacy.

I don't know, I am not so sure. Really struggling to figure out the truth. Btw, my therapist and myself are both Christian also.

PM me anytime, please. I would love to discuss this with someone else experiencing the same thing.

Thanks for your responses...so last night (or earlier) tonight in a too much to drink state...I emailed my T and told her about transference issues and feeling quite attracted to her...ugh. I see her in about 10 hours. I would really like to run and hide and just never go back. Never contact her again. I'm absolutely terrified. Not just bc of that but also bc of my self destructiveness in general lately...but then that's worthy of a whole separate post elsewhere. After hitting the "send" button I immediately regretted it and sent her a follow up with "please don't read previous email" as the subject--but yeah doubt that will happen...

well, my appointment went better than expected...I went in and she said, "so let's talk about your email" - I said, "I don't want to"
She said that we will be talking about it. I couldn't look at her. Couldn't make eye contact with her.

She actually said that she wasn't surprised about the same-sex attraction stuff, but was surprised about being attracted to her. She asked why I thought I was attracted to her...I said probably because she listens and I feel safe with her. Anyway, she asked what I was so afraid of...I said that I don't know...she said that I do. My biggest fear? Being rejected and judged. She said she isn't running. She said she didn't email me and tell me not to come. I said that she should have.

Anyway it went well...and I see her next week.

I'm so glad that she handled it in a soft way. I have read some threads where the person was rejected. I hope you will post how it goes next week. In the meantime I hope you are taking in and enjoying not being rejected.

The interesting thing is though...thinking about it...I have had other Ts...one in particular that I felt very close to and safe with - but I was never attracted to any of them. This one is the first one I have ever felt attracted to.

Therapy is not like any other relationship you are likely to experience.
Sexual feelings for your therapist may not tell you much about your real orientation.
But maybe the whole concept of orientation is irrelevant.

Love who you love and be what you are!

I'm glad that you were able to have positive dialogue with your T! *hugs*

thanks...things have been really bad for me lately, and it's like even though I get really anxious before seeing her, it's like it's one of the few things I look forward to.