[This is crazy]

OK- I've been reading this forum for quite a while. And it has made me feel that I'm not totally alone in this. I have been seeing T for 10 months. I suffer from intense anxiety and situational depression. I'm not new to this rodeo. Been with two T's before both more than 4 years. No romantic feelings toward them. One male, one female.

But this has been totally different. T totally gets me. He goes out of his way, to make me happy. We do email, and often times share song lyrics or music quotes. He sends the positive, life-affirming ones, I tend to find the darker ones. One day I after an email chat where I admitted to loving a certain band, I walked in and they were playing. He said he did that for me. Then changed back to more normal waiting room music.

After about 4 months, I begin to feel like I was attracted to him spiritually. It's not so much physical, but spiritual. I'd guess he's 8 years my senior, but don't know. He shares little of his personal life. I know he is married, and has 2 kids. I had no idea what was going on. I began to think about him constantly. We both share very similar spiritual beliefs, and he has lent me some books to give me more insight into that. Of course I read them voraciously.

After reading these boards, I decided to come clean. WOW. is that painful. I told him I was having transference issues toward him; I'm pretty sure he knew. He basically said that's normal, don't worry about it. I told him that I would never act on any of it. And he told me again, not to worry that holding boundaries was his job. I also said, I'm in love with your spirit, your essential being. He said he was flattered, and that he loved me too. This was months ago. The feelings have now turned into a sexual nature.

I can't stop thinking about him in that way. I will say that when we are sitting across from him, none of this interferes with therapy. We move forward, and I find myself so caught up in the process, I don't stop and think about my feelings / desires toward him. It's when I'm not around him that it all comes out. So I still feel like our relationship is very productive. I would be dead today if it weren't for him.

So I confessed recently, that my feelings had grown stronger had had turned more sexual. I was scared to death! I've read about T's terminating. I told him my fear, and he said he would never terminate over that, and can't imagine a T that would do that. Again, he assured me it was natural, and that at least it was a life-affirming thought. I find those difficult. I described in detail how I wanted to have just one night with him when our therapy was done. That I wanted to have a spiritual / sexual encounter with him, and that it would be something I would regret not doing. He said, "What if your fantasy doesn't live up to reality?" LOL!!!! He has never crossed a line, other than just constantly paying attention to me and remembering the little things. He did admit that he thinks I am beautiful both inside and out and that again, he was flattered.

Here's the kicker. I'm VERY happily married. Have no intention of leaving my husband. Have no interest in him leaving his wife or anything like that. Have never snooped or tried to find out about her. Totally get that his life outside of our 50 minutes is different that how I perceive him. I can see his soul though, and it is so beautiful; I want to cry just thinking about some of the beautiful things he has said to me. HE is a beautiful person. That's all I need to know. I have confessed everything to Hubby, who has been to a few appointments with me. He is not concerned. I told him all of my secret desires, and I think he is so happy that I am not suicidal, anorexic anymore, that he's willing to give it up. He said, "As long as you come home to me."

So, that's it in a nutshell. On one level, it's pretty clear to me T is holding the line and it isn't going to happen, on another level, I still think maybe...he's a man, I'm a woman etc.... And I do not want to risk his marriage or his career, so that's the other part that makes it even more less likely to happen. But is it SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO unfair.

Please give me your feedback. Is there any way to distance it?
I've been so painfully honest through this whole process. And I am on the road to recovery thanks to him and the work he has encouraged me to do. It just seems like a rotten deal to fall this deeply, and not be able to do anything.

[kaliope]

Hi this is crazy
while i feel your t is being professional in normalizing your feelings, i think he goes too far in encouraging them by telling you he loves you, etc. I know he is trying to boost your self esteem but when you have feelings for him, this is only intensifying them and making them harder for you. It sounds like he has done a lot for you though and there has been much honesty in all the relationships surrounding this situation so as long as he is able to maintain his professional boundaries, I think it is ok because you feel you are in a healthy place with him. its when the relationship becomes damaging to you that it becomes unhealthy and you dont describe that at this point. Welcome to Psych Central. You will find that we have several forums where you can post about your concerns and receive feedback from other members. You will get a lot of support here. Again, welcome.

[Rzay4]

Yes I agree he does seem a lil off with playing a band you like and telling you he loves you. I haven't had serious transference issues with my Ts being that they were all female. Most would be they would appear in my dreams. I hope this situation is resolved *** it disrupts the therapy process.

[CantExplain]

Therapy can unleash passionate feelings. I was very uncomfortable that Madame T seemed to be encouraging me in that. But it gave me room to explore my sexuality without being unfaithful to my wife. That was a valuable and pretty much unique opportunity.

[Syra]

This makes perfect sense to me. I've had something similar. I don't know how to do it, but I do believe that our bodies and mind will keep fussing with things, and remembering things, and twisting them around, and eventually I realize what the issue really is. I would also think that your attraction to T is a strategy to meet some need. Does it make sense to think about what that need might be? or perhaps that doesn't work for you in this situation.

It sounds like you have a wonderful relationship with a wonderful therapist AND a terrific and understanding husband. That seems like a good thing.