[LearningMe01]

(The title should have said I *Used* the L word, not *use*)

The session started off like any other session. We sat down, I made some small talk. Told her about how I was having "one of those says". You know the kind, where everything that can possibly go wrong seems like it has? Right down to the fact that the entire room smelled like gasoline, because I had pulled the gas pump out prematurely and spilled it on my foot. She gave me a sympathetic laugh or two and setteled into her chair. The expression on her face was a bit different than usual, so I sat back and waited. She said

"well, I hate to do this , but I'm going to have contribute a little to your bad day."

I sighed, and Said "greaat...what are you about to tell me?"

I knew what she was going to say. It's way too close to her leaving , and she doesn't generally come into the room with news for me.

She said "Well, I didn't realize the ammount of stuff I had to move , or that I'd need to be there a bit sooner...but I'm actually leaving earlier than I promised you. So I'm going to have to stop seeing clients"

It sounded at first like she was telling me that she'd have to stop right then.

"TODAY?" I blurted out, before I could even think about it.

She chuckled a little and said "no no no , that would be terrible of me 'ok , so welcome to your last session' "

Me, not so amused - "Ok, when?"

Her "Well, April"

I wanted to start crying, or to ask her why she hadn't taken these things into consideration earlier (the amount of moving she'll have to do) But instead I just sat there, with a fake smile and said "Oh, ok...that's cool. I mean, I'll survive"

That nonchalant attitude (when I'm really feeling something else) Is precisely one of the things we've worked on so hard. I've done well with it, I'm much better at expressing the way I really feel now...in/out of therapy. But this hurt enough that I reverted right back. She sat across from me squinting at me. She didn't say anything, but she didn't have to...I knew that she had noticed what I was doing...and it helped me to catch myself.

Me "Well I mean , no it's not cool. It effing sucks and it hurts, but I can't exactly change it." (Key word there "hurts". Way to go Me...being all self expressive and **** lol)

We went on about it for a while. We figured out that it meant we probably had less than 5 sessions left, maybe 4...maybe.

She's been WELL aware of my feelings for her for a long time now (over a year) I first got up the nerve to mention them early last March, and we've discussed them many times. When I describe those feelings to her it was always something to the effect of "I care about you a lot" "you are very special to me" or "you mean a lot to me". I let her know that they were romantic feelings as well. As honest as I've come to be with her , I've never been able to express those feelings with the word "love". I've done it here, often. I acknowledge it as love to myself. I've never said it to her though. I often wondered if I would ever be able to say it, if it would be appropriate for me to say it...and if so , when? Do I wait till our very last session? Do I write it in a letter and hand it to her as she leaves? I couldn't decide. I figured I'd say it when it felt right (if ever). Any yesterday, it felt right to me, and so I took a deep breath and began.

"So, i've told you many times how strongly I feel about you , i've told you how much I care about you and I'm sure you've picked up on it...but....I've never told you that I love you."

Out it came, just like that.

She didn't say anything. She just looked at me and shook her head in a very understanding way.

I didn't stop there.

"I love you in more than one way. Of course I love you as my therapist...but I also love you as a friend...as a person....and other ways as well."

She still sat there and let me speak, smiling and shaking her head, but not saying a thing.

I said "So , not only am I losing a therapist , someone I trust and confide in...but, I'm also losing someone I love, Someone I'm in love with... and I was not aware that anything could actually hurt this much. It's indescribable...and I just feel like I need to make sure you know this."

At this point I started crying. A lot. She got up and got me some tissues.

I told her that I've wanted to say it before , but for some reason I thought it might sound "Stupid or crazy". She looked at me like I was being ridiculous and said "why???" I couldn't really answer her. I'm not even sure I really know why.

We discussed more about it , and about other things...about pain , and life and what "being human" means (from her side, and mine).

At one point she said "The fact that you were just able to say that to me , really reassures me that you're going to do exactly what you need and want to do in the future, and I am so very happy for that".


Glad she's happy about my future. Problem is, I can't see past her leaving. Obviously I'll go on...and she's right , I do want to make my future happy. I want to be able to say "I didn't know life could be this good".

Right now though, I'm in love with someone...who will be leaving the state and my life for good in less than a month. How does one swallow that? I feel as though my heart is broken into a thousand tiny pieces, and eventually I'll have to start the daunting task of putting it back together. I just wish she could be here for that.

[Mactastic]

I am terrified of my T moving, so much so that we've had the conversation more than once. I can't imagine how you're feeling. Has she offered any contact after she moves? It sounds like you've made a lot of growth with her. When did you think she was moving, compared to when she's moving now?

[CrimsonBlues]

Hello LearningMe01-

I'm so sorry for this painful situation. I do understand this pain quite well. I wish I had some wonderful advice to give you to try to ease the pain but I can only tell you that I'm sorry that you have to go through this. I did want to add that you write very well. I was struck by the way you described what happened-just a side note.
Take care.

[rainbow8]

I agree that you write very well. I could picture the whole session vividly, and I was almost crying too!! Your T sounds wonderful, but I know that's not a consolation. I'd be devastated if my T said she was leaving the state. I keep asking her because I think it's a possibility but she says "I'm not going anywhere." Things can change, though, and my T's life has changed, so you never know.

I wish I had some comforting words for you. "You'll get through it" sounds so trite. But you will, and your T has confidence that you will. Your heart is breaking now because you are already grieving. I hope that, since you've told your T everything, your last few sessions may be helpful in tying up loose ends, or maybe just sitting with her and "taking her in". Maybe there's something different you can do, like take a walk or something?

My first T used to say that I will have part of her inside of me, and that helped. I feel like my current T is inside of me too. Do you have that kind of feeling for your T? Will she allow any communication at all? I think you said no before, but maybe it's possible?

[Bentay]

I could feel the pain & anguish in your post - I'm so very sorry you have to go through this, it's just awful. I terminated with my T around 8 weeks ago but I'm seeing him one more time in a few weeks as he staggered the ending for me as I was finding it SO difficult - endings are v tough.
I really hope she's able to offer you some form of contact after she leaves (if that's what you'd like) to make processing the ending a little easier. I know its little consolation, but it will get better with time & your pain will subside

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by LearningMe01

I want to be able to say "I didn't know life could be this good".

One day you will, I promise.

[LearningMe01]

I want to answer everyone individually , but sadly I'm limited on time atm.

First - for those of you who complimented my writing, thank you very much. I love writing. Usually the things I write are a bit more grammatically correct, but I wrote this kinda fast.

Second - To answer those of you who asked if she mentioned any form of contact after she leaves. She's a phd student , just graduating. She's going on her internship, which is the reason for the move. She said "As far as a Therapist and former client corresponding, no that's not allowed. But sometimes, the client will ask for the address of the place the therapist will be working , and you can send letters and updates once in a while." I asked "But you're not going to respond to them?" She said "No , that's not allowed" Pffft...why on earth would I write to someone who won't write back? That's like speaking to a ghost. When she said it wasn't allowed, I scoffed a little and said "Oh yes, because if you write me a letter , I might contact that APA and say 'OMG (insert T's name here) wrote me a letter so I'm reporting her!' " She laughed when I said that...but that's all. So to answer your question, No... I do not believe there will be any contact after this ends.

I'll try and answer everyone personally soon. Thank you ALL so much for the kindness, understanding and empathy. This is a very rough patch in my semi-young life and it helps to know that people 'get it'.

[rainbow8]

I'm sure others will point this out too. I don't think there is any law or violation of ethics regarding a T having contact with a former client. I don't know where she gets that "it's not allowed". All of my Ts let me contact them after I terminated with them, either by letter, phone, or email.

You ask why would you write to someone who won't write you back. My first T told me that she would not write me after we terminated, but that I could write to her. I wrote her updates periodically for a few years afterwards, and even sent photos of my kids. I wanted her to know how I was, and it didn't matter that I never heard back from her.

I email my current T even though the rule is that she will rarely email me back. Everyone is different, but for me it is helpful knowing that at least my T, or exT, will read what I have to say, or will look at my photos. It's not ideal, but it's still satisfying.

Maybe at some point your T will change her mind about the no contact rule. It could be because she's just starting out and is an intern. I am curious, though, as to whether it says anywhere in black and white that a T can't contact a former client. Maybe each state has its own rules?

I hope that the road ahead of you goes smoothly without too many bumps. And yes, I "get it".

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by LearningMe01

She said "As far as a Therapist and former client corresponding, no that's not allowed. But sometimes, the client will ask for the address of the place the therapist will be working , and you can send letters and updates once in a while." I asked "But you're not going to respond to them?" She said "No , that's not allowed" Pffft...why on earth would I write to someone who won't write back? That's like speaking to a ghost.

((Learning))

[Cherubbs]

I find it all so sad. In a relationship is so personal, so intimate and so intense. It seems like a very sterile ending. This boundary business is beyond annoying sometimes.

[nicoleflynn]

Yes, some of the rules are just ridiculous. Why CAN'T you stay in contact with a former t occasionally just to talk. That makes no sense. One rule I think is silly. If a t sees you on the street, they are supposed to ignore you unless YOU acknowledge them. I was in Hawaii at a ACA convention and my t saw me FIVE times (he said) but didn't say hello. I told him what I thought of that.

[rainbow8]

Like I posted, none of my former Ts had a "no contact" rule. Good topic for a thread on the main forum. I just started a thread about it as I'm interested as to whether it's a law, a rule, or a T's decision.

[LearningMe01]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

Like I posted, none of my former Ts had a "no contact" rule. Good topic for a thread on the main forum. I just started a thread about it as I'm interested as to whether it's a law, a rule, or a T's decision.

I wonder if it's a rule that is put in place by the University that she studies at? Maybe it has something to do with them being new? I don't quite get that , because after she Graduates in May, she shouldn't be associated with them any longer. Or , maybe it's her own personal decision? Maybe it would be too hard for her? Maybe she thinks it would be too hard for me? Maybe she's scared of any kind of contact because while they're in school they CRAM those ethics down their throats, so it's very fresh in her mind.

Her and I "click" very well , as Therapist/client and as people (her words on more than one occasion) So it's hard for me to understand how you can just completely walk away...but I'm not in her head, I don't know her stuggle (if she even has one when it comes to this) Maybe it's because she knows I love her...and maybe she thinks being in contact with me would be walking a fine line? Maybe she just doesn't want to be in contact with me. I don't know the answer. I may ask her to explain it to me further , or maybe that would be beating a dead horse. I just don't know.

She asked me if she's "disappointing me" in any way. I told her...

"Well, I suppose in a way that could be persevered as irrational, yes. If this situation was the other way around, and you meant something to me...I couldn't just completely walk out of your life. Maybe that would make me a bad T, maybe that would get me in trouble...but life is short, and for me it would be worth the risk. But that's me, and I can't make you 'me' "

[scorpiosis37]

If you saw her at a University counseling center, then her reaction makes a lot of sense. Ts who work at Universities, public welfare agencies, state-run clinics, etc. have more stringent rules than Ts who are in private practice. At least at my University where I teach, there are rules in place that prevent Ts from having any contact with clients between sessions and after termination. However, my T, who has her own private practice, allows both.

[LearningMe01]

Thanks Scorpiosis,

I did (well do) see her through a University Counseling Center (a Clinic) And I did figure they were under stricter rules than a T that had her own practice. I don't go to the University , it's open to the public. I was aware that there are strict rules in place as far as contact between sessions (I always knew it wasn't allowed) And I figured there might be some stricter rules after regular termination...thing is , this isn't just termination, she won't be affiliated with the University after May...as she'll be Graduating and loses her insurance to practice there (her words). So I wonder if/why any rules that the University has would apply to her. I would assume that it would be the normal "two year waiting period" if you wanted to be "friends"...but that's not even what I'm asking for...I'd merely like to hear from her once in a while , or at the very least get a response if I do decide to write her a letter. I'm not talking about anything inappropriate here...just some sort of "once in a while" correspondence, you know?

And P.S. Your Avatar reminds me of this online game a play , it's called "Second Life" hehe...does that happen to be where it's from?

[LearningMe01]

Originally Posted by Mactastic

I am terrified of my T moving, so much so that we've had the conversation more than once. I can't imagine how you're feeling. Has she offered any contact after she moves? It sounds like you've made a lot of growth with her. When did you think she was moving, compared to when she's moving now?

Thank you Mactascit. It is a very heart wrenching situation. I've lost had other T's in the past , One that I finished with (when I was a teenager) and one that I chose to stop seeing (right before this one). It never compared to this. I let myself become very close to this person and she ended up being one of the most special people I've ever had the honor of knowing. I have made some pretty good progress. A couple years ago, I'd be acting like this didn't matter to me , because I thought that's how to be "strong". Thank you for noticing. The only contact she offered was the address of the place she'll be working so that I can write her a letter to update her once in a while , but she said she won't respond. And the time difference isn't all that much longer...It was supposed to be the end of May, but instead it's April. Maybe not a big deal to most...but May was already killing me...April is worse.

[LearningMe01]

Originally Posted by CrimsonBlues

Hello LearningMe01-

I'm so sorry for this painful situation. I do understand this pain quite well. I wish I had some wonderful advice to give you to try to ease the pain but I can only tell you that I'm sorry that you have to go through this. I did want to add that you write very well. I was struck by the way you described what happened-just a side note.
Take care.

Thank you so much , just knowing that people "get it" helps. And thanks so much for the compliment on my writing

[LearningMe01]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

I agree that you write very well. I could picture the whole session vividly, and I was almost crying too!! Your T sounds wonderful, but I know that's not a consolation. I'd be devastated if my T said she was leaving the state. I keep asking her because I think it's a possibility but she says "I'm not going anywhere." Things can change, though, and my T's life has changed, so you never know.

I wish I had some comforting words for you. "You'll get through it" sounds so trite. But you will, and your T has confidence that you will. Your heart is breaking now because you are already grieving. I hope that, since you've told your T everything, your last few sessions may be helpful in tying up loose ends, or maybe just sitting with her and "taking her in". Maybe there's something different you can do, like take a walk or something?

My first T used to say that I will have part of her inside of me, and that helped. I feel like my current T is inside of me too. Do you have that kind of feeling for your T? Will she allow any communication at all? I think you said no before, but maybe it's possible?

Thank you soooo much Rainbow8!
I have been thinking about what I would like to do for the last few sessions with her. I believe I'll give up on trying to convince her to "stay in my life" (even in just a letter writing, casual way) as I believe that's a losing battle. I think she's going to do what ever makes her comfortable, and nothing I do/say is going to convince her otherwise. I'm afraid If I keep pushing it , it might lead to "not so nice" sessions...and I don't want that for the end of my time with her.

I like what you said about part of your T being "In you", and yes; I feel that way also. When I describe losing her , I'll often say that I feel like I'm losing part of myself. I know that I'll never lose the gift that she's given me in knowing her...but right now, physically losing her is kind of trumping that. You know what I mean?

[LearningMe01]

Originally Posted by Bentay

I could feel the pain & anguish in your post - I'm so very sorry you have to go through this, it's just awful. I terminated with my T around 8 weeks ago but I'm seeing him one more time in a few weeks as he staggered the ending for me as I was finding it SO difficult - endings are v tough.
I really hope she's able to offer you some form of contact after she leaves (if that's what you'd like) to make processing the ending a little easier. I know its little consolation, but it will get better with time & your pain will subside

Thank you so much Bentay,

I'm glad your T was able to do it that way, it feels like it might make it easier. I'm sorry you're having a difficult time with it. As you know, I can totally empathize. The only form of contact she's offering is that I can write her an update letter once in a while , but she says she can't respond

I know time heals things. I've lost a lot of special people to me in my life , but I do believe this is my greatest loss to date. I'd like just once to not have to worry about healing, I'd like to not lose the person to begin with, you know? But thank you so much for your kind words! I truly hope things get easier for you as well!

[LearningMe01]

Originally Posted by CantExplain

One day you will, I promise.

Thank you CantExplain! I truly, truly hope so. I believe it's up to me, that I need to make my own happiness, I just hope some good things come my way soon; as does everyone else, I'm sure

[LearningMe01]

Originally Posted by Cherubbs

I find it all so sad. In a relationship is so personal, so intimate and so intense. It seems like a very sterile ending. This boundary business is beyond annoying sometimes.

I agree with you whole heart-idly. I've had that discussion with her many times. I often tell her "I understand why these rules are in place. I understand why they are good for some people, but I don't agree with them in my case" lol I suppose they can't pick and chose who had to follow the rules though.

Beyond annoying, yes. Heart-wrenching even.

[LearningMe01]

Originally Posted by nicoleflynn

Yes, some of the rules are just ridiculous. Why CAN'T you stay in contact with a former t occasionally just to talk. That makes no sense. One rule I think is silly. If a t sees you on the street, they are supposed to ignore you unless YOU acknowledge them. I was in Hawaii at a ACA convention and my t saw me FIVE times (he said) but didn't say hello. I told him what I thought of that.

I guess that rule is because of "hippa", but yes...I think it sucks also. I had a situation like that last May. I was telling T about a festival I was going to be attending. She said "There is a better than good chance you'll see me there, and can't approach you" I replied "Oh , so you're just going to blow me off?" She laughed a little and said "No , I won't blow you off, you are more than welcome to come to me and say hello." Awkward? yea. And I told her what I thought of that as well

[Crescent Moon]

Originally Posted by LearningMe01

...I'd merely like to hear from her once in a while , or at the very least get a response if I do decide to write her a letter. I'm not talking about anything inappropriate here...just some sort of "once in a while" correspondence, you know?

I think some of the 'absolute' way that it sounds is probably due to her still being in training. The reality is that it is not uncommon for there to be occasional post-therapy updates. There is a fine line between appropriate post-therapy contact, and contact that is intrusive. If a client wanted weekly email exchanges where client and former therapist are sharing their lives.... I can't imagine that working out. But, for example, if a client asked for a slow-down of... say... an email every other month for a while, then it slows to a couple times a year where the former client checks in to say hi and share news... I think a good percentage of therapist would be totally ok with that.

I think one of the big worries therapists have about email is the expectations about their response. They definitely do Not like to "do therapy" by email! So if emails are provocative or bring up issues that require back and forth dialogue, most therapists, including mine, will not want to answer it. So I think a lot of how emailing goes depends a lot on what the clients expectations are.

[Crescent Moon]

Originally Posted by LearningMe01

I guess that rule is because of "hippa", but yes...I think it sucks also. I had a situation like that last May. I was telling T about a festival I was going to be attending. She said "There is a better than good chance you'll see me there, and can't approach you" I replied "Oh , so you're just going to blow me off?" She laughed a little and said "No , I won't blow you off, you are more than welcome to come to me and say hello." Awkward? yea. And I told her what I thought of that as well

My therapist explained all that to me too. She said that the reason she can't acknowledge me first is because her chief responsibility is to protect my right to privacy. She is known as a therapist, and has no way of knowing who around us in public would be aware of that. If she said 'Hi Crescent!' in public and then my coworker guessed I was in therapy because of that exchange.... I'm sure you see what I'm saying! So she warned me that if she saw me in public she would not first acknowledge me in order to protect my privacy... And it would entirely be up to me if I wanted to open that door by acknowledging her. I hope this provides a clearer understanding of what's going on in the background on that!