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#1
Feb 23, 2015, 10:23 PM
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OK, I'm new here. Read through the threads in this forum and didn't see any that specifically dealt with this twist on transference. My husband and I have been in marriage counseling off and on for the past year and a half or so. (I'm also in individual counseling with a different therapist for anxiety/panic/OCD issues).
Over the past 3 or 4 months, I'm realizing I have feelings for our (male) marriage counselor. One of the issues we're having in our marriage is that I don't feel like my husband has enough empathy for me, so of course, a sensitive guy who listens to me and seems to understand what I'm going through and feeling--our counselor--is going to be appealing to me. But our counselor, D, is also someone who brings a lot of himself into the counseling, like uses examples from his own life experiences. So I feel like I have some decent sense of who he is. He's married with a couple kids (husband and I have a kid, too), and doesn't at all seem like the type that would cross a boundary (he's a PhD and fairly respected in his field--main focus is an area other than marriage counseling). He also likes to joke around with us, especially me, so it's not like it's all serious. But when I am talking about a difficult topic, and say I'm getting emotional about it, crying and stuff, D is really good at calming me down and making me feel better. Meanwhile, it seems like my husband doesn't really know what to do when I'm upset. Even though I've tried to tell him what I want/need if, say, I'm crying or having a panic attack. He tries sometimes, but it just doesn't come naturally to him. So basically, I just keep thinking about D, including some fantasies. But really it's more about the emotional connection than the sex. Like, I just want him to hold me (and to hold him back). And then, you know, if we ended up having sex that would be fine :-). I'm just not sure how to deal with this because it's marriage counseling. If it was individual counseling, then I could just talk to him about it. But the way he does our counseling, my husband and I are always in there together. I did talk to him individually for about 10 minutes one session like a year ago, which my husband agreed to (this was pre-transference). I was having doubts that I was still in love with my husband and wanted to bring up the topic with D before just springing it on my husband (which I basically did once he came back in the room). I'm afraid now if I tell my husband that I want to talk to D alone for a bit, he'll assume it will be something really bad. I could probably arrange to meet with him for a bit on my own and maybe not tell my husband, but that seems deceptive. I guess I could do like some people on here have done and, like, hand him a note at the end of the session or e-mail him, but then I feel like I'd be driving myself crazy waiting to hear back from him. I feel like he'd probably handle my confession of transference well, and may already suspect, but I'd kind of rather be able to discuss it with him on my own instead of in front of my husband. I mean, if we'd need to bring it up with my husband later, that would be OK, I guess, but it would just be incredibly awkward with my husband there (and awkward enough without him!) OK, this is really long. Just looking for others' experiences and suggestions. I can fill in other info if you want. Also, I did talk to my individual counselor about this recently, but I felt really awkward about it because she's the one who referred me to D (they're in the same office and are kind of friends), and I basically made her swear not to mention it to him (I trust her). She just talked with me about it a bit, saying it was very common (but not diminishing me), but didn't tell me whether she thought I should talk to D or not. OK, rambling again! Will end here. Thanks for any input 
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 growlycat, VelvetRevolver
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#2
Feb 24, 2015, 05:36 PM
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I can see how, in a vulnerable state, these feelings would be feelings that'd be desired for/from your husband. Wish I had definitive suggestions or answers.
Perhaps, in time, your husband will begin filling this void, for you. If that did happen, perhaps these feelings for your T will dissipate? Seems like a normal development, in many ways. Sent from my LGMS323 using Tapatalk |
 LonesomeTonight
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#3
Feb 24, 2015, 08:27 PM
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I am a marriage and family counselor and one golden rule of a couple's counseling is a "no secrets policy". The best practice for a marriage counselor that is often suggested in therapy training and the one I subscribe to is to tell the couple upfront that everything communicated to the therapist by one of the partners will be shared in session. Either the therapist will bring it up or he or she will require that the partner who communicated the specific information to the therapist shares it with the other partner in session and this will be discussed in the context of the couple's therapy.
If your couple's therapist understands the professional boundary of couple's counseling he will do just that. He will require that what you communicate to him individually is shared with your husband in session, otherwise the boundary between couple's and individual therapy will disappear and nothing good comes out of this situation. If your marriage counselor doesn't follow this rule, I'd encourage you to consider that talking to him individually about your feelings and keeping it secret from your husband would defeat the purpose of couple's counseling and would only aggravate your marital problems instead of resolving them. It seems more appropriate to me to discuss your feelings for this man in your individual therapy. Frankly, if those feelings continue to persist, it's better to find a new therapist for couple's work assuming that you are committed to working on resolving your marital problems. |
| anilam, kirbydog156, LonesomeTonight, shezbut
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#4
Feb 24, 2015, 09:17 PM
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Hi Healing, thanks for your response! I know this one doesn't have an easy answer. I do have a session with my individual T tomorrow, so I think I'll ask her for more advice (we had maybe a 15-minute conversation about it two weeks ago). Husband and I did see MC (D) yesterday and it went fairly well, though he seems to think we're doing great. I suspect my feelings for MC may in some way be keeping me from being completely honest about things in therapy. I mean, if I can't be open about that, then I'm not being completely open about what's going on with me regarding my husband either. If I'm drawn to him because he has qualities that I feel my husband is lacking, then in some ways those issues need to be addressed to see if I can get those things from my husband. Though we've definitely addressed the empathy stuff, just not sure I'm satisfied with how that concluded.
The fact that I was crying a bit after I left Monday's appointment (once I was alone in my car) is probably not a good thing. |
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#5
Feb 24, 2015, 09:32 PM
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Quote:
I don't think he said upfront anything about us having to share everything with the other person. However, his model has us always attending sessions together, so unless I talk about something while my husband is in the bathroom (he goes to the bathroom like once every three sessions--seriously!), ask to speak to him for a few minutes privately, or, say, e-mail him, then nothing would be said that's not in front of my husband anyway. I think I would feel weird enough about sharing it with my MC that sharing with my H at the same time might be too much.  Now, if I first talked it through with MC, then shared it with H in session, that seems more doable. Or I'd at least like to somehow tip off MC about it before the discussion happened. (I know one way I could do this is ask my individual T to mention something to him--I've signed stuff saying they can share info--but that seems kind of cowardly). Or I could even say to him, at the start of the session, "Hey could I possibly talk to you separately for 5 min, assuming that's OK with H?" The thing is, I feel like MC he really has helped H and I. We both have a rapport with him, and to suddenly be like, let's switch to someone else, well, not sure how it would go. Honestly, a big issue to me with considering switching would be that I'd have to tell H *why* I wanted to switch. Especially because he knows I feel comfortable with MC and like him (just doesn't know how much!), it would seem weird if out of the blue, I was like "Let's see someone else!" with no explanation. I could always suggest we take a break from it for a bit, too. I definitely plan to discuss this with my individual T tomorrow. She knows MC well and actually worked with him on counseling a couple once (not sure how that worked), so she knows his approach and philosophy. She would probably have a sense of whether he'd want me to bring it up or not--and how he'd want me to do so. They do have very different approaches though, so what she would do/want might be different than what he'd do/want. Any other insights are welcome! And I can report back after tomorrow's session. Thanks for listening. |
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#6
Feb 25, 2015, 09:34 AM
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I think the conundrum the OP is in has more to do with this therapists role. Can you work through erotic transference with your couples counselor while still having ongoing couples counseling? In this scenario it looks like probably not, certainly if his policy is to only see the two of you together. Working through transference like this is an individual therapy activity IMO. Since you already see an individual therapist I would start there. Maybe it would even be easier to process your feelings with her separate from the object of your affection, and perhaps she has some better idea for you in how to approach this? If you have your heart set on "working through" or basically talking about how in love you are with the marriage therapist then I would recommend sending either an email or calling out of session. I would begin by saying that what I was wanting to share would have to remain absolutely secret from my husband and if he couldn't agree to that to let you know before telling him. I do doubt he will encourage you to share this info with your husband, as I've said I just see no reason to. A lot of people that have erotic transference (not all) but a lot of us are very needy. And we look to our relationships for all of these needs, like you seem to be aware you do, for empathy etc. And these needs stem typically from dysfunctional childhoods where our inner child's needs weren't met. So some of your relationship issue could be you are looking to your husband to fulfill needs a husband typically doesn't fulfill, i.e. most husbands just aren't going to be as empathetic as a therapist. I'm sure some of it is your husband being a typical somewhat emotionally withdrawn man, as many men seem to be. In any case, I think this is an individual therapy issue for sure, and not one to be "worked through" with your husband, not something he needs to or should even know about. |
| LonesomeTonight, ruiner
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#7
Feb 25, 2015, 02:59 PM
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Hi Petra5ed, thanks so much for your response. It's good to hear the perspective of someone who's been there. I'd have to get my MC's perspective on things to see where he lands on this (need to share or don't need to share), though I'd need to find a way to ask him without completely revealing stuff (in case he's of the "need to share" camp). I guess I could ask something hypothetical, like if there's some issue I have with him (MC), is that something I could just talk to him about, or would it have to be discussed in front of my husband. Or I could just say that I think I'm having some transference issues without saying anymore (because it could also mean I think of him in a father figure sense), then see what he says.
I'm headed to see my individual T in an hour, so I'll certainly ask her thoughts on it. I think I may have downplayed my feelings too much with her the other time we talked, so she may not think it's a big deal. As for your last part, that makes some sense. One of the things MC talked about was how one person can't give you everything you need (be it a spouse, friend, parent, etc.). And that's OK. The thing is, I'm not expecting everything from him, or even close to that--just certain things, like empathy. H is definitely more closed off emotionally than me, plus more laid back in general. I mean, he's not like the strong silent type, but he's also not like a few guys I dated before I got together with H who were more in touch with their emotions and expressive about them (for better or worse). I mean, I had a generally happy childhood, though my mother had cancer when I was 12 (she survived, thankfully), and that was when a lot of my anxiety started. Including some fear of abandonment. She was also the type to act like everything is OK all the time and attempt to hide any negative emotions, plus my dad is pretty reserved about his feelings. Like, I don't think I ever saw them fight (they're still together), so me and my H fighting was a big deal to me (meanwhile, his parents fought all the time and got divorced). And we rarely even argued until after our daughter was born, as we both tend to be conflict avoiders. (Then sleep deprivation kicked in.) MC has tried to teach us (me) that fighting is OK, as long as you come back together afterward, and an argument doesn't mean that the other person is going to leave or hates you. I've definitely shifted my view on arguing as a result of him, but it's still a bit hard for me to deal with. OK, I should get ready for my appointment. Will report back (probably not till later tonight). Thanks! Quote:
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#8
Feb 25, 2015, 03:43 PM
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If I was personally dealing with this in the exact same situation, I would definitely try to handle it through my individual T. I would ask myself what am I seeking from my MC and then bring up that need in marriage counseling like the empathy. I would keep bringing it up until I felt I had a good answer: can my husband give that to me or not. Then, if not, I would figure out where I can have that need met. Either realize it may need to come from myself or a friend or family member.
A friend of mine reminded me, like someone else said, that you can't get all your needs met by your spouse or an individual person. The most difficult part of therapy for me is having all my needs surface. I didn't think I NEEDed anything until I had a therapist completely listening to me and WANTing to know my feelings - something new for me. And, maybe your husband would be more supportive if you figure out where the need comes from. I can't remember exactly what you wrote. For example, my husband knows that my mom never really listened to me. So, it drives me CRAZY when he's doing something else while I'm talking to him. I realized that one thing I love about my T. is her concentration on me. So, I told him about it - hey when you don't look at me when I'm talking I feel like I did with mom. Now, he understands WHY I need attunement or whatever you would call that. So, maybe figure out where these needs are coming from. ANd, while doing that with your MC he may pick up on his own the role he is fulfilling for you and realize the transference and help BOTH of you through it without either of you having to say something. I hope you get some good answers from your individual T. today! |
| LonesomeTonight
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#9
Feb 25, 2015, 05:09 PM
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Quote:
All the things you want to keep to yourself are the material for your individual therapy, not the material for the couple's counseling, and, therefore, should be discussed in your individual therapy. How much you reveal in MC in front of your spouse is up to you. The point is that the marriage counselor is not your individual confidant, your individual therapist is. A client in couple's therapy is the couple, not each individual partner. That's why the rules of confidentiality in MC are different from individual counseling. The marriage counselor is not obligated to keep information that one partner shared with them secret from the other partner. As in individual therapy, they are obligated to keep everything shared in the context of couple's therapy confidential from the outsiders but not from each partner. When one spouse tells the couple's therapist they want to talk to them one-on-one and they don't want the other spouse to know the content of the conversation, that puts the therapist in a precarious position ethically. If the therapist goes along with that request, which is something the training discourages them to do (and rightfully so IMO), then the boundary of couple's therapy gets blurred, or, frankly, disappears, because then two therapies may start going at the same time, individual with one spouse and couple's, performed by one therapist. Is it really difficult to see how this situation can create a little conflict of interests? If your spouse is ok with you seeing your couple's counselor individually and he is also ok with not knowing what you and the counselor talked about and with continuing to see the same therapist together with you for couple's work, then go ahead and do it. But if individual sessions happen literally behind the other partner's back, the therapist may get in trouble if that person decides to complaint because the therapist in this case has not defined what is called "the unit of treatment" or, plainly speaking, the therapist didn't make it clear to the couple who his client is. The client in couple's therapy is the couple, not each individual partner, and when this is not made clear from the start, therapists often get in trouble later if one partner decides to file a complaint. From purely human perspective, when the couple's therapist starts seeing one of the partners individually and the other person doesn't know what is discussed in those meetings and may not even know that meetings are taking place, they understandably and rightfully feel betrayed and angry. For the life of me I can't understand why anything you want to keep private from your partner can't be discussed in your individual therapy? Why does it have to be discussed with the couple's counselor if this is something you specifically don't want your spouse to know about? And if you happened to develop feelings of attraction for your marriage counselor, what are you hoping to accomplish in terms of your couple's therapy goals and in terms of your individual goals by meeting privately with the object of your attraction and confessing how you feel about him? How do you expect him to do couple's work after that? If OP believes that her feelings for MC can facilitate couple's work in terms of giving her an understanding on what's missing in her marriage that's fine. Then why not just talk about that, about what's missing in her marriage without making a reference to her feelings to MC, which is something she doesn't want to do in front of her husband anyway? Understanding those needs first in individual therapy seems the way to go about it, and then once it's clarified in individual therapy, this can be discussed in couple's therapy without discussing the feelings for MC. I just don't see the purpose of seeing MC individually in order to confess my love for him unless I have some hopes and desires that have nothing to do with my couple's work. Last edited by Ididitmyway; Feb 25, 2015 at 05:32 PM. |
| LonesomeTonight
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#10
Feb 25, 2015, 07:35 PM
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Thanks for the response! I'm definitely trying to handle a lot of this through my individual T (will give update on today's session below). I think part of my issue is that I bring up a topic, it gets discussed, though I may not feel satisfied with the resolution, so I let it drop. I do bring up the same topic multiple times, and sometimes make more progress. But my H can say one thing in therapy, and he seems to understand and I think things are resolved, but then in practice in the real world, it doesn't quite go that way.
I have brought up a few things with my H about where some of my needs come from (both within and outside of therapy). Like, my mom is very much an "everything will be fine!" person. And that approach, like the 'don't worry about it!" doesn't really work for someone with anxiety/depression. That's a good point though on doing that more in front of my MC. Quote:
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#11
Feb 25, 2015, 07:46 PM
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I get what you're saying. Though one thing my individual T said today was, what exactly would be accomplished by letting my H know about what I'm feeling? Would really just be me trying to feel less guilty. The main thing I'm thinking in terms of telling MC is that sharing a feeling like that can often help defuse it. Like take the fantasy away from it. And then I can move past it. I know he's not going to jump into my arms--I understand the reality of the situation.
And I'm not planning on sharing everything I'm thinking with him--more just "I think I'm having some issues with transference," maybe mention having some romantic sort of feelings (vs. paternal ones, the other type of transference) and "How can this information be used to positively impact our marriage counseling?" More below with the recap of my individual T appt. Quote:
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#12
Feb 25, 2015, 08:05 PM
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I'd like to share your belief that sharing the feeling of attraction with the object of that attraction would diffuse the feeling, but, unfortunately, my own experience and the experiences of many other people that were relayed to me tell me otherwise. The fact that the object of the feeling is a therapist, who is "supposed" to know how to deal with it, doesn't make any difference. It's a common misconception people have that therapists just by virtue of their training can deal with transference in such way that it either disappears or somehow works in client's best interests. Nothing can be further from the truth. For each case when therapist is able to handle it effectively, there are many other cases when they aren't and people get harmed as a result. In any case, since you've decided what you want to do, good luck. |
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#13
Feb 25, 2015, 08:20 PM
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OK, so had a good, though painful at times, talk with my individual T today. She's awesome, seriously. I mentioned that I felt like I needed to talk more about the MC thing, and she said she suspected I would want to. I said I felt like I downplayed it before, that he's really on my mind a lot. Before, I had only told her that sometimes I wanted him to hold me. But today, I fessed up to having sexual feelings for him too. For some reason, that was really hard to get out. Maybe it just felt weirder because she's his colleague and friends with him? Like if I was just talking about some random guy it would have been easier.
I said how sometimes I imagine what my life would be like if I was with MC instead of H. I admitted that I knew he couldn't always be the way he was in therapy in "real life." (And I said if he was, it would probably drive me nuts, like can't I just talk about something without you trying to figure out what it means?) And I knew that if like I actually like lived with him or something, then I'd deal with like dirty socks on the floor, etc. (he's said he's a slob, after I'd mentioned what a bad housekeeper I am--a semi-recurring issue in counseling). And it wouldn't be like some fantasy world. Also said I knew that nothing could realistically happen between us, so not being delusional. I was sobbing during much of this. And I mentioned how I was often crying in the car on the way home from sessions with MC (H and I drive separately because I work from home and he goes back to work after them). So I was talking about how much of what I'd read on transference said that you should talk to the object of it about it. Which my T (eek, almost used her actual name) said she'd also heard. I said I knew it was more complicated in this situation, which she agreed with. She took a bit of time to think, and was trying to brainstorm ways it could be dealt with. Though seemed very hesitant, like she didn't want to make the wrong recommendation. Options discussed included: --her getting another therapist's opinion on it without mentioning any names (a guy that I have not seen before, so no connection) --me contacting MC via e-mail or phone and saying that I wanted to talk to him in private about something that I think may be interfering with our counseling. And asking if we discussed it, would it need to be shared with H? --My individual T (with my permission) tipping off MC that I'm having some issues with transference, then letting him handle it as he sees fit --not doing anything for now --other Initially I said it was OK if she talked to MC, but then I was a bit concerned he'd just bring it up at our next session, which would be horribly awkward. Though really, I think he'd handle it more tactfully than that. She said, yeah, that then the cat would be out of the bag. And that she doesn't think we're quite ready to determine how to handle things. So she's going to consult with the other T, think on it, and get back to me at our session next Wednesday. I'm a bit impressed that I've stumped her, considering she's been in practice for like 25 years. I did make a comment about how "Hey, at least I'm keeping things interesting and keeping you on your toes!" But I really do appreciate how much thought she's putting into this. In the meantime, we have an appointment with MC on Monday, but I think I can handle that OK (assuming the appointment goes off--I know he's had to cancel some lately due to a very ill family member). So, there you go (I left out stuff that had nothing to do with this situation, of course). Any thoughts? |
| Ididitmyway
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#14
Feb 26, 2015, 12:01 AM
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I am impressed too. Your individual T handled it beautifully. She didn't rush to conclusions and premature suggestions. She took time to explore all the options and she honestly told you that she needs some help from colleagues as far as how to deal with this. Good for her. She understands that this is a very delicate situation that could create potential problems if not handled properly. This is great. You are lucky to have such responsible and thoughtful therapist.
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| LonesomeTonight
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#15
Feb 26, 2015, 10:20 PM
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Minor update (if you could call it that.) Had an appointment with my psychiatrist (p-doc) today--she's in the same office as MC and T. Naturally, I ran into MC in the waiting room before the appointment. I was the only person there (probably because it was snowing), and he was joking with me about how I was there in the office but ignoring him (since I had an appointment with the p-doc). I was like, "I paid attention to you earlier this week." He said I was ignoring him now, to which I said, "Hey, I have have to give p-doc some attention, too!" She happened to come out right then to get me for the appointment (she's new there--I've only been seeing her for about a month and a half).
That appointment was slightly awkward for me because she was asking me, naturally, about how the past two weeks had gone (started new med) and my mood, then was asking me about what topics I'd been discussing in therapy with MC and T. Obviously, I avoided talking about what I'd discussed with T the day before about MC, and I felt like I was saying a bunch of extra stuff to sort of cover for it. I mean, I was talking about actual stuff that had been covered in therapy the past couple months, so I wasn't lying, but it still felt odd that I had to be keeping stuff from p-doc--especially stuff that affects my mood. I certainly don't want to discuss any of this with her though, because I barely know her. At least I don't see her for another two weeks. Felt fine after encounter with MC--made me smile rather than feeling sad, no tears in the car or anything. The whole joking around with me thing he was doing is just part of who he is and how he acts--jokes a lot with me and H, too. But then he can also be serious and caring when need be. The fact that I felt OK/positive and not sad/longing is encouraging. I'm wondering if it's possible I just needed to get all those feelings out with my individual T and that will be enough, that I won't need to actually address anything with MC directly. And that maybe the transference/feeling could fade on its own? I guess I'll see how I feel about the Monday appointment and then see what my T (who, yes, I am lucky to have!) comes up with Wednesday. |
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#16
Feb 27, 2015, 11:17 AM
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| LonesomeTonight
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| LonesomeTonight
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#17
Feb 27, 2015, 03:48 PM
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Yeah, I'm probably deluding myself if I'm thinking, hey, I'm all good now. Since I've thought that before about various things and then...been wrong. Maybe I'm just afraid of talking to MC about it, so I'm just trying to tell myself I'm all good, so I don't have to do the talking. I mean, the words were so hard to get out just telling my individual T--so I can't imagine what it will be like if I end up talking to MC about them. Though I'd leave out some of the specifics that I told my T--probably, partly because I'm afraid I'd die of embarrassment if I fessed up to, say, fantasizing about him while, you know, doing certain things while I'm alone. I get what you're saying about mourning a loss--I could definitely see where it would be like that. I guess I'll just see how our Monday appointment goes and what plan my indiv. T comes up with Wednesday. Thanks for listening and responding (random side note--I've actually thanked my indiv. T for listening before. I think she found it amusing.) |
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#18
Mar 01, 2015, 05:02 PM
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Now we need to have a repairman come out tomorrow morning because our hot water heater is leaking. Hoping that will be done so we can still go to our appt. with MC at 2... (We had it fixed a couple weeks ago for another issue, so hoping something wasn't screwed in tightly enough. Teehee--screwed in tightly enough.) Trying to not be all like, "Nooo, we can't miss the appt.!" And also thinking, hm, if H has to stay here with repairman, could I go by myself? Probably not, and probably a bad idea, but still crossed my mind.
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#19
Mar 02, 2015, 04:39 PM
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Turned out that hot water heater just needed a new gasket thingy, so we had our appt. with MC today. Started with regular chit chat, then he was like, "OK, so how have things been between you two?" Said basically good (which is true in terms of our getting along), chatted a little more. Then MC was like, "So I'm kind of curious. In the past, there have been times when things have been going well, but it turned out that one of you had something bothering you that you were afraid to bring up." He then looks pointedly at me, and says, "So is there anything like that now?" I was like, "Are you asking both of us or just me?" He said, "Well, both, I guess, but mainly you" (to me).
I said, probably with a look of fear in my eyes, "Is that because I was usually the person who brought stuff up before?" To which he said yes. And continued looking at me (to the point that I wondered if he knew).As much as I was thinking it, I obviously couldn't say, "Well, the thing is, I want you--both in an emotional and physical sense." So I was like, "Well, I guess I still feel like the connection isn't quite where it should be between us," referring to my H and I. (This was a topic that has come up repeatedly, most recently in November--just before Thanksgiving--when I fessed up to that while sobbing and when MC kept saying to me "It's OK" in his most caring voice.) H seemed a little surprised at first, then agreed. MC asked us to rate our connection from 1-10, and we both came up with around a 5, which relieved me somewhat, that it wasn't just me. (Thankfully, MC did not ask me to rate my connection to him, which would have been like an 11.) Rest of session was trying to come up with ways for us to feel more connected, like going away together (as I'm thinking, but I want to be in a hotel with you, MC!), etc. So managed to get through it OK, though felt a little shaky following the goodbye handshake (got a hello one today, too) and during the drive home. It just was weird that he happened to ask if something else is on my mind at a time that it is (I know, he's just good at reading people). I'm guessing he's sensing that there's something going on with me, but he just doesn't know what it is. Curious to see what indiv. T will say Wed. on how to handle the situation (saw her briefly in waiting room and she waved hi to H and I). So...yeah. |
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#20
Mar 02, 2015, 09:24 PM
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Also, I e-mailed my indiv. T to let her know what happened (think it was the first time I e-mailed her!) She reassured me that she hadn't said anything to him (I didn't think she had--just thought he may have been picking up on something). She said she'd already consulted with two colleagues on what to do and would let me know what she thought at our Wed. appointment. Kinda wish I was seeing her tomorrow, but I'll manage!
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#21
Mar 04, 2015, 05:46 PM
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Big Update (bigger than I was expecting today): Was meeting with my indiv. T to discuss how to handle things with MC (she'd talked to two colleagues about it). They all seemed to agree that I should approach MC and see if he'd be willing to have an appt. without H (assuming H agreed to it). My T said if he seemed reluctant, then with my permission, she could talk to him and be like, "You should really meet with LonesomeTonight. Trust me."
I could fill you in more on our session, but what happened after is more interesting. I was debating about e-mail vs. phone call, and she said that MC was in the office then, so maybe I could just talk to him in person after we were done. We finished up, she went to check (he's next-door to her), saw he was walking out in the hall, then poked her head back in and was like, "Wait here, not sure if he's with a patient or not." So then she brought him back and he said he had a couple minutes. He and I then went in his office. My plan was just to see if he'd be willing to have a solo session, and if so, maybe set it up. I broached that topic, saying I thought something was interfering with our therapy. He seemed like he might be OK with it, then started trying to figure out what was going on. He's like, "Am I doing something wrong? Is it something I'm doing?" and I'm like, "No." I was trying to get across that it was more something with how I relate to him. And he said, "Am I doing something to make you uncomfortable?" and I was like, "No," (wanting to say "Quite the opposite!") I was like, "It's more in how I relate to you." He asked something else, and I was like, "No." (I think we went through a few other things-- It was like Therapist 20 questions.) Finally, he seemed to get it and was like, "Is it that you're attracted to me?" and I said quietly, "Yes, emotionally and physically." And he goes, "Yay! Someone's attracted to me!" Which made me smile of course, and he said he intentionally reacted that way because he wanted me to know it was totally normal and OK and that we could work through it. He also joked that I needed to work on my taste in men (he's very self-deprecating, which is part of what makes him endearing). He was saying how the nature of therapy makes it more likely and, "Not to sound arrogant, but this isn't the first time it's happened to me." So he made me feel totally OK about it (of course I was still shaking! and a little teary) and said we could go ahead and set up an appt. with just me to talk about it. H and I see him on Monday (that won't feel awkward for me at all!!!), so we'll check in with H then to confirm he's OK with a solo appt. (We tentatively scheduled one for Wed.) Before realizing my feelings for him, maybe 6 months ago I'd actually approached MC about having a few individual sessions with him because he seemed to have some good insight into how my brain works (plus I was kinda mad at my individ. T at the time). He seemed reluctant, so we didn't, and I told H about it, and he said he would have been OK with me seeing MC a few times on my own. So I suspect he'll be OK with it, just not sure what to say it's about! And I get the sense that MC won't think we need to share the exact content with him *because* of what it's about (I'm assuming it would be different if I approached him because I was having an affair or something). And MC still shook my hand when I left, like he does when we end our sessions, which made me feel relieved (was afraid he'd be all like, trying to stay physically away from me). I'm feeling a combo of relief that it's out in the open and that he reacted so well to it (of course, that also kinda makes me like him more...sigh.) Plus I'm kinda freaked out because I totally hadn't intended to tell him quite like that, and now it's out there, so I can't exactly take it back! And I have no idea what all we're going to talk about Wed. (I figured it would have taken me half the session just to get out why I needed to talk to him!) Plus I'm afraid I'll be acting weird when we ask H about the individual session, but hopefully it will be OK. So...yeah. |
| unaluna
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| junkDNA, Petra5ed
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#22
Mar 04, 2015, 07:02 PM
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Good for you! It's probably better that it happened that way, like ripping a Band-Aid off. He does sound like a good T, with good boundaries.
Good luck next week! |
| LonesomeTonight
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#23
Mar 04, 2015, 09:41 PM
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Thanks!
Yeah, ripping a band-aid off is a good analogy! Otherwise, I would have agonized over how exactly to word it when I saw him next week. And then still it wouldn't have come out right! He's definitely a good T. And he's been in practice for like 20 years at least, so I'm sure he's experienced this before. I could see where some people would think his initial response was inappropriate, but he also knows me, and knows I would probably respond better to humor or something lighthearted. The worst scenario for me would be if he'd gotten all weird and serious, speaking in hushed tones or something. And he can certainly be serious (and caring) when he needs to be, but for him to act generally like himself when I'm sharing something like this with him suggests that he'll be able to continue acting like himself afterward--like there's not going to be a bunch of weirdness. Which was one of my biggest fears (along with him saying we had to discuss it with my husband). Now I'm just afraid of how much he's going to ask me about this. Like, I think if I were to tell him that sometimes when I'm intimate with my H, I imagine it's him instead, I fear that I would die of embarrassment. (It's weird enough talking about intimacy with my H with him, even though he's like, "I'm a psychologist! I've heard it all.") But I doubt he'd ask me those sorts of questions. I assume it will be more about why I feel drawn to him and what that says about me and my relationship with H. Like how knowing that could help me figure out what I need. |
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#24
Mar 09, 2015, 08:56 PM
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Had an appt. with MC today with my husband. Was nervous about it because it would be the first time I saw MC since telling him last week that I'm attracted to him, plus we were going to check with my H to see if he was OK with the solo appt.
I felt nervous at first and had trouble looking at MC, but then he was acting normal, so I started feeling more comfortable. We didn't really have a whole lot to talk about--the past week with H actually went generally well, aside from my confessing my feelings to our MC, which obviously I wasn't going to bring up! About halfway through, MC mentioned my request for a solo appt. He played it like he didn't know what it was for, just that I'd asked for one. Which made me feel relieved. H said he was OK with it but said he was a little concerned because last time I'd asked to talk to MC alone (like a year and a half ago) for a few minutes during our session was when I thought I was no longer in love with H. I said it wasn't like that, that it wasn't an issue about me and H (which...is technically true, I guess?) And that if something came up that we should talk about in session, I assumed MC would either stop me from discussing it or bring it up in session later. So H is OK with it. When we were leaving, I confirmed that he was OK, and he said yeah and hoped I wasn't going to be sharing some "deep, dark secret." Not sure if this qualifies or if he meant like an actual affair or something from way in my past. I was just like, No, so he seemed OK. Before then, when we were leaving, MC shook my hand like normal and gave me a smile, while holding eye contact, so that reassured me (while also making me want him...). So I feel like it wasn't the most productive session but went as well as could be expected. Kinda nervous about our meeting Wednesday, of course--and that H will try to ask me a bunch of questions about it. I do meet with my individual T tomorrow morning, so that will be helpful. Maybe she can give me some advice for Wed., too... |
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