[WrkNPrgress]

I just wanted to vent here. Ok, so at the end of the sessions for the past couple of months, My T has given some physical cues that say to me that she might be resisting offering me a hug. I mean, I sense that she's open to it but not initiating it.

If I can explain this clearly: the session ends. I pay her. She returns to me with the receipt and then there's that split second as we say goodbye where a hug could happen — but I can tell she is forcing her arms to her side, or into her pockets, like she's not sure if that's a good idea and meanwhile, I sort of scoot out the door because I'm too damned shy to offer one myself. There's always this moment of "Okay.... uh...yup. See you next time." I swear it's like that awkward end-of-a-date experience where you decide you just want to be friends or something.

I'm assuming she's resisting because I- as the client— am the one who should ask or initiate a hug. She's a good, responsible and sensitive therapist. We've had hugs before and they've always been after very emotional sessions and very comforting. In my "real life" I'm definitely a "hugger" (family, friends, coworkers etc.) I can always tell when someone needs or wants a hug. I can tell my T is a hugger too (no surprise there, really).

My fear is, of course, that she senses my transference and doesn't want to encourage it — so I'm losing out on something that should come easily in other situations. And what's happening is that I'm spending more time after session thinking about that not-hug than what we talked about.

I guess I could say something to the effect of " You know sometimes when i leave here I sense that hug might be in order, but I'm too damned shy to initiate it...." but I'm not ready to talk with her about all of that.

This goes along with my thread on T's body language. I really wish I could speak more directly to her about some of this stuff.

[buggles]

me too!!!
I have been with my therapist for over 2 years. It took me ages to ask for a hug at the end even though i desperately wanted them sooner. ONE time she offered a hug after a difficult session which was really nice.
But the last few sessions, i haven't asked and she hasn't seemed approachable. Also, i went back last week after a break and she has moved our chairs noticeably further apart. If that happens next time i am going to have to ask about it because it hurt me that she has moved my chair further back
Up until now she has always given a hug if i ask but i wish i didn't have to ask!

[Soccer mom]

I understand how you feel. I didn't hug my T. for months. Sometimes she would pat me on the back or arm and sometimes not. the inconsistency drove me crazy. So, I started stalling and she would ask why and I felt like a little kid and couldn't say.

Then, my husband started coming for joint sessions. He ended the first time saying "you should give T. a hug and tell her how much you love and appreciate her". WHAT?? So, she started laughing because she knew how I was feeling. By that time, I had said that if she pats my arm when I leave I feel things are fine but when she doesn't I think she could be mad. So, she had stopped completely and I didn't like it. So, I hugged her first just at my joint sessions. Then, after a really hard session I asked for one and she said "absolutely". A few sessions later I said I wanted to ask something but am afraid of the answer (because of the transference). I said I want to hug you when I leave but I don't want to have to ask - just do it. She said "then do it". Now, I actually only hug if she reaches out or I want one. So, I HAVE left a few times not wanting/needing one.

I think the bottom line is that she stopped when she knew the meaning and felt it would be better if I initiated it. It's a lot more tricky if they initiate it in case it could trigger someone. So, just let her know how you feel!

[Ruftin]

Hello WrkNPrgress. Perhaps she respecting your vulnerability and that is an admirable thing.

[WrkNPrgress]

Thanks everyone. Yes, Ruftin. I know it is exactly that. It's so ironic, isn't it?

I am getting to a point now that I really want to cut all the pretense and inhibition on my side. I want to be able to look her in the eye as much as possible and I want to be able to ask for a hug and have it be just that.

So much time in our life is wasted on worrying about this kind of invisible stuff.

[sunfun]

Me too, my T is someone who has never initiated it... we've actually held hands before, when we were outside and I had a freak out in the middle of a busy road and he wanted to make sure I crossed safely, but damn in the middle of an office with the silence it's way too awkward to actually ask for a hug, and I feel like I really want one. So I know what you mean.
I'm thinking of bringing it up when we're seated, and kind of discuss if he would be okay with that and if he doesn't think it's crossing a line, and if he says yes, then maybe the hug at the end wouldn't be so awkward, because I couldn't imagine asking for it at the door.... so maybe you could try the same?

[buggles]

Originally Posted by WrkNPrgress

Thanks everyone. Yes, Ruftin. I know it is exactly that. It's so ironic, isn't it?

I am getting to a point now that I really want to cut all the pretense and inhibition on my side. I want to be able to look her in the eye as much as possible and I want to be able to ask for a hug and have it be just that.

So much time in our life is wasted on worrying about this kind of invisible stuff.

I am starting to feel the same way wrknprgress

[Petra5ed]

I think that your gut feeling might be on point here, we seem to be able to intuit a lot. I know you said you're not comfortable asking her, but do you know why? If she's hugged you before it would surprise me if she rejected you. If she did reject you it would hurt, but shouldn't really be that embarrassing or anything... I mean she's a therapist, I'm sure she's been propositioned for hugs before!

Anyways, I get it I do. There was one session my therapist didn't come for a hug at the end and I just left and really regretted it. I think he was testing me to see if I'd turn around and hug him, but no, I interpreted it as "he doesn't want to hug me today, waaah." and left and had a horrible following week self-pitying.