Maternal vs. erotic transference (Female/female)

My T is a female.
I, the client, is female.

I can't tell if my transference is maternal or erotic... Which makes no sense now that I say it, but I want to see what everyone thinks it is. Because it being both, sounds really weird. And I really hope it's maternal. Because I can't live with myself if it was the other choice.

I have been with my T for nearly 5 years. I am 18 and she is about 45. She is very kind towards me and I care about her more than anyone else. Which is good but I used to think that it was a friendship feeling, but later on as I got older, I started to like girls and realize that I do like girls. It seems though, that I now only like older women. Like my hot teacher at school who is about 35, for instance (I have liked more than one older woman before though). And the feelings I have for the teacher, and my T, are VERY similar except I have known my T longer. So I seem to like her more.. And that I feel uncomfortable liking my T at all in that way due to the fact I see her as a mother figure. I don't or ever have had incestuous feelings for my mother.

I'm very confused because while I have a strong attraction almost exclusively to older, confident, attractive, women, LIKE MY T, my feelings seem to be on the maternal transference side because I don't think I'm actually comfortable with the idea of seeing her sexually. And I when I think of her, I think of a mother. And that I wish she was my mom. But I am comfortable seeing other older women, like my hot teacher, in that way though.That doesn't bother me. I don't see them in that way I guess. But the line between that is very, very blurred for me.

And to help make this even more confusing, my WONDERFUL subconscious throws me a curve ball as soon as I believe my transference feelings are purely maternal. I dream that my T and I did very naughty things in her office... And I felt very guilty and NO, I haven't told my T ANY of this. NOTHING. Talk about humiliating!!!

So now I am very confused. I need help. What do you think it is???

It is quite possible and quite normal for it to be both. I had both erotic and maternal transference towards my male T. I now know that's what it was due to a lot of processing, but I was completely oblivious when it was going on. The fact you have some awareness of it now is great, and it would be a great thing to work through in therapy.
My dreams gave me the clues as to what I was experiencing too. Try not to worry about it. It doesn't mean anything other than you have some issues it might be useful to work through in therapy. Its all good work, and I'm sure your T will have seen it all before

I don't think it has to be "either or". Feelings come and go.
There are days where I'm nothing but annoyed at my CBT T. Sometimes I feel awkwardly aroused by his presence. Often I feel fondly towards him because he is teaching me things my family never bothered to help me with. Even if you are attracted to your T, it may not be permanent. I can't speak for guys, but growing up I had both male and female crushes. Even as a straight adult, I've had a once in a blue moon attraction to another woman.
My attraction to my T may be like my rare attractions to another woman--I admire them and want to be like them and maybe I'm confusing that with other feelings?

All of those feelings are ok. The best you can do is honestly explore what they might mean for you.

It could be both. I have both some paternal and erotic transference for my marriage counselor. Sometimes it feels more one way, other times the other. Both he and my individual T have said it can be totally normal to have both (and doesn't mean anything incestuous). MC said at one point when we were discussing it that the word "love" is used to describe both a parent-child relationship and a romantic one because they're such similar feelings.

I think also it's easier for my brain to go to, say, sexual/romantic fantasies because I'm used to having them about guys. Having a paternal fantasy is harder for my brain to process. So it's like, I feel drawn to this person, so, hey, must be a romantic/erotic sort of thing. When really, it could be mostly paternal. Feeling I just want to be held by him, for example, could really fit in either category. Or feeling "safe" with him.

Also, sex dreams aren't necessarily about sex. Could just be wanting to feel closer to that person or what that person represents.

I have both too, and have had both with teachers. I don't really find that there is anything wrong with having both or anything to be ashamed about. Adult partners are to an extent supposed to take on some of the roles that our parents would have provided, so I don't think it is all that strange to have both at the same time. Maybe just talk with your T about it if you are having a hard time with it. I'm sure that she could explain more.

Oh, dear! What you're describing is not unusual in therapy OR life in general. There's nothing wrong with having a crush on your therapist or any older woman! Please don't beat yourself up. You're feelings are okay and not anything to be ashamed of.

I used to have crushes on all my best teachers male or female. That's perfectly understandable. Intelligent, confidant, people ... be it women or men, who focus on us and who help our own improvement are EXCELLENT sources for crush material!!!

This stuff is confusing. It doesn't have to be either or and there's almost always a mix of both in either. It's my own personal belief that we are all drawn to people who have something to teach us, one way or another.

At age 16-18 I was attracted to people in their mid-30s, especially teachers. I was ashamed and confused why that might be. Many years later I realize that I've always been attracted to people of that birth cohort, e.g., folks born mid-1940s, subject to war draft, wistful, skeptical, complex people.

When you're in therapy, transference is common. In your case maybe it was more likely to develop because your T is older and you find those women attractive. Maybe you like their intellect or wisdom or humor. There's nothing naughty about those thoughts...maternal, erotic, or mixed. All normal. You don't have to talk to T about this of course, but if you did then the discomfort may subside. At least consider journaling on your own. Or sketching, creating some kind of art to express feelings. That can reduce rumination.

Well my appointment is tomorrow... So we will see what happens!!!

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Thank you for commenting

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Oh good! I hope it's not actually sexual! Thank you haha

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My appointment is tomorrow so I'll know what she'll say then.

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I hate how much of my mental energy she takes up though! I need to get a life it seems.. I'm relieved you're like the 6th person to say you has been through the same thing... Especially because you're transference is to a woman. My appointment is tomorrow so I'll see what happens

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I used to like girls my own age then I discovered I liked older women more (25-45) I know 25 isn't old at all but I'm barely 18 so it's older than me. I like confidence, and height is also a factor. Someone who is taller than me. So at least 5'5". And I also like intelligence and someone who seems really successful. Feminine but classy. Beauty is also one. Dominance... I could go on.

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I have to say, I admire your ability to articulate what you are drawn to. I've had crushes on older women all my life (still do) and I've never really stop to think as to why. When I was younger, I knew it had something to do with the fact that most girls my age simply were not interesting or had anything in common.

Most of my celebrity crushes were older women because felt like the typical 'young' women in media - starlets, 20 something actresses —*were just boring. I know now that's because the way those women's roles were written, making the 'sex object' rather than giving them full characterizations. It was the older female roles who had anything interesting to talk about, a sense of experience and history, intelligence, etc.

This is how I see "older" women as well. Now even that I'm older myself, I still look up to women who seem more experienced than myself. They seem confidant and safe. I don't see a problem with it though as long as I realize that this is a projection and not always the reality. As with anything in real life, the reality is much more complicated.

That's how I feel about girls my age. Most of them are immature. Not that I'm the most mature person since I'm only 18, but they annoy me so much! They are so vain and naive! And yes, very boring! I can't talk to them because of how boring they are. Besides, most girls my age are VERY straight, or in the closet and are not coming out anytime soon. Not that I am that out there but I really have no reason to be. No one at my school interests me. I have a lot of fantasizes about older women and I read erotic fiction stories online about it and I wish it was me! That's so unrealistic though

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I think it's neat and exciting to observe these feelings in yourself at a relatively young age. I always get the biggest, sparkliest, heart shaped crushes on other women. pretty much since I was 10 or 11. I'm in my 40s (a veritable old lady ��) and I still get dorky lady crushes on the girls who I buy makeup from or just a random elegantly pulled together older lady at the grocery store. while I'm married to a adorable dude who I love, I've mostly had LTRs with pretty, cool and quirky girls. so wait. maybe I'm the wrong person to ask. I think it's so cool when we can feel a lot of seemingly conflicting feelings for people. especially people we wouldn't normally find ourselves drawn to. I am endlessly curious about why I am drawn to certain people versus others. with my own therapist even though he's a straight married guy I do feel weirdly intense mommy longings for him. and sometimes ET and sometimes both at the same time. I just try not to judge myself. I love my mom. she's an amazing lady and I am often drawn to people who embody her best qualities and want to recreate dynamic. hopefully, you will be able to explore these feelings. because they totally sound like they're going to provide a lot good material for self discovery.