Something just occurred to me about the way my T dresses.

So I've been lying in bed, wide awake at 3:30 in the morning yet again, when I started thinking back to something. I remembered that when I started seeing my T, she wore long, ankle-length skirts (can something that long be called a "skirt"? I dunno). During one session I noticed that, while she had her legs crossed, she tugged the skirt down as though she was afraid it was riding up too high and that I might be staring (it wasn't and I wasn't).

What I realized only just now, at 3:30 in the morning (a time for realizing all sorts of things), is that I don't remember the last time I saw her wear a skirt like that. Every time I've seen her, for months now, she's worn either jeans or black pants.

First of all, it horrifies me to think that she may have changed her typical habit of dress because of me. That she was concerned about distracting me during sessions, or, worse, that I was making HER uncomfortable. One of my huge hang-ups is a fear of being off-putting to people, more specifically, a fear of being thought of as weird or creepy by women. (I've got massive rejection and abandonment issues rooted in bad experiences growing up, and failed relationships in adulthood that threw gasoline on those old embers.) The greatest horror to me now would be to think that my T, whom I have grown to love and respect and depend upon, might see me this way and that she's just really good at maintaining a professional facade. That she doesn't feel safe around me, deep down. That maybe she's trying to dress more conservatively ONLY on days that she sees me, and goes back to those skirts the rest of the week.

And quite frankly, if that's what she's doing, it's backfired, because I notice her legs and thighs and hips a hell of a lot more in those jeans and pants than I ever did in the skirts.

That's a sucky feeling, I know. Given this statement, it rather sounds like your triggered by something that fits with your own story and view of yourself.

I wouldn't read too much into what she's wearing. She probably tugged on that skirt because it was uncomfortable to wear. (many women don't like to wear skirts that often and are just not comfortable in them.) Regardless of what was going on with her, you're assuming her behavior is a comment on you, specifically. This is a cognitive distortion (I have them all the time, we all do.) Your T is a whole person with a whole world of her own thoughts and motives.

I'll tell you what a therapist told me once when I started to go down these kinds of self-defeating assumptions about other people's actions; "No offense, but it's not always all about you." It sounds harsh to say but sometimes it needs to be said. People have a 101 reasons for doing things. Your T presumable sees a lot of clients all day long, why would you assume she's changed her outfits just for one?

I know I often get sucked into the idea that my T shows up late, or early, or wears that shirt just for ME... but that's not totally realistic. It's just some part of me that wants to believe that I'm special and have influence in her daily life. It's okay to feel that need that but when it starts to feed that self-laothing narrative I have to check myself.

I hope you can see where your own "women are creeped out by me" narrative is making this feel worse. Give yourself a break, be kind to You and maybe consider talking directly about this with your Therapist to dispel that idea.

I agree with above, your T probably has lots of clients. This may be your projection of how women perceive you, and not based on reality.
Tbh, she might not have shaved her legs! That's why I tend to check skirts. Also, the change to jeans might be cos of the weather?

I'm sorry you are triggered to feel worried. I understand not wanting to make your T uncomfortable or creeped out, and worrying about putting people off, and getting rejected. From reading your posts here I feel like you are a very nice, considerate, likeable and thoughtful person. I imagine your T probably has her own reasons based on comfort, style, fashion trends, moods, and other things that we cannot think of. For example it's hard to go to the washroom with a long skirt, it touches everything, gathers cooties, and gets dipped into the toilet bowl. Perhaps the skirt makes her skin rub together but pants prevent skin rub. Probably it's not because of you; you were not staring. Still, it brought up these bad feelings inside of you, would you consider sharing them with her? It may help her to get to know you better, and bring you closer in this relationship? Sending you good thoughts.

I have this too. I keep a distance from people and I don't touch or hug them unless they take the initiative. I'm afraid other people find me disgusting.

I don't think she dresses differently because of you. There could be several reasons why she wears jeans now. Maybe she had enough of skirts or she has decided that jeans are better for sitting in a chair all day than skirts. Maybe it's just a coincidence. And yes, it could also be that she doesn't wear skirts anymore because she thinks it could be distracting for clients. But that doesn't mean it's because of you. She probably has more male clients.
If you haven't been staring at her legs, then I don't think you're the reason she doesn't wear skirts anymore.
I also don't see why jeans would be better than long skirts. In those long skirts you really don't see much legs. My T once wore a thight dress above her knees (it was really warm) and I can see that that might be distracting for male clients. It was distracting me, I wanted to look at her legs. I have only see her in jeans and long pants, even when it was a hot day. But I'm sure it's not because of me.

Yeah the special shirt is a big one for me too. Turns out he was wearing it for a child client who liked it. So i decided i could share another time it was because of plans he had for the evening. I just free associate what the shirt reminds me of whatever. Thats that the t is there for. :

Usually, people are too busy thinking about themselves and their problems to think about someone else.

Thanks everyone, for the feedback.

In the light of day, fueled by a solid three hours of sleep, I looked back at what I'd written and did feel kind of silly.That did sound paranoid and self-centered. But then, with my feelings toward her I actually do want it to be all about me (and am jealous of her other clients, especially the males). It's hard for me to accept that I carry these kinds of cognitive distortions around in my head because I like to believe that I know my own mind and know what the reality surrounding me is. It frightens me to think that I'm wrong and in fact am not seeing things clearly.

It's definitely not the weather, with the kind of summer we've been having where I am I'd think she'd have made the opposite switch....

Thank you. I like to think that someday I'll have the guts enough to bring up my issues relating to her, but am not there yet. We have begun to get into my fears about turning people off which is a very tough thing for me to talk about. I often feel like we both know damn well about my feelings for her but neither of us want to bring them up.

It's been my observation that people who are self-aware enough to fear that they are disgusting very rarely are in reality. (Of course, I'm always the last person who's able to listen to my own advice.)