[Summer Daze]

I do not know where else to turn for advice because I feel like it's not something I can speak openly about. However, I now find myself emotionally struggling with all of this so I thought I would seek help on this forum. I don't know if I added this thread under the "correct" category, but here goes nothing.

I have been seeing my T for the last almost two years for therapy on daily life stressors. I am female he is male. He is about ten years older than me. I am newly married and not seeking any outside romance so that is why I don't know if I am posting in correct category. Not that these details really hold great weight on what I'm about to type but I just wanted to give everyone a brief background.

My T and I have a very close and easy relationship. It just flowed from the very beginning. I was very reluctant to start therapy at first. Not out of fear, but because I didn't think it worked and thought to myself : what is the point? I ended up in his office by chance and it was my absolute last resort. I have been to therapy a couple of times in the past but never stuck it out more than a month or two. I never connected with be therapists and never ever suffered from "transference" or any type of attachment issues which seem to commonly arise in long term therapy.

Anyway, I started to view my T as less of a doctor and more as a friend (I know. My first mistake). There felt like there was no uneven power dynamic between the two of us and we were just two like minded people, on the same thought process, having a conversation, and connecting. That's the only way I can describe it. It just is what it is. I don't find myself opening up to very many people, I any, so this was a breath of fresh air. However, because I was/am able to open up to him so freely and easily and feel calm about it, I guess I developed some kind of attachment to him as a person. Meaning, I wanted to treat him as I would treat any other friend: being able to send random texts, call him up if something funny happened that made me think of something he would like, etc. That's how I would treat any other people in my life who I care for. I understand we are not friends by laws, boundary placements, but it still felt like a friendship even though it could not be called that.

A lot of the time the sessions progressed to speaking nothing about therapy, nothing about my issues (not his fault.. It is just easy for the conversation to get away), and just having a conversation. We speak a lot outside of session. He is not creepy or unprofessional at all. He is very kind and a good person so I know he tries to keep those professional boundaries in place. However, I feel that he hasn't done such a great job with that and now I am paying for it. If I'm being told one thing, but actions are saying another: anyone would be a bit confused, wouldn't they be? Now I find myself extremely frustrated and irritated with him (unbeknownst to him) because he put me in this position where I think I have a real, genuine, relationship (that isn't necessarily therapeutic and which I view as more of a friendship) but in reality it can't be that.

He has shared very personal things with me about his life, past, likes, dislikes, hardships, etc so I don't think I've lost touch with reality to say I've been getting mixed signals to say the least. He has gotten me little gifts in the past that showed he was thinking of me outside of session. I would understand if there was no communication at all in between sessions or these little things that kind of contradict what should be happening.

I am just confused. It is driving me mad in my mind because I find myself not only getting angry with him but myself because I'm feeling pretty stupid. It seems to be ok for him to reach out to me, but when I do the same I get a polite quick response (where his words seem to be chosen very carefully) or if I respond back to something he said sometimes I don't even get a response back at all after that initial text. It's frustrating and annoying.

I normally don't obsess this way over a friendship (or lack there of) but that's because with all my friends it is clear where I stand with them and our positions in each other's lives. All of this up in the air crap is driving my up the wall, considering I am the type of person who does not enjoy BS and likes to know exactly where I stand with people and in any given situation.

I do not think I'm being irrational here but I was hoping for other people's opinions? Has anyone struggled with something similar? Am I being ridiculous here or are these thoughts valid? I would have stopped seeing him 4 or 5 months ago when things got really rocky but he's helped me a lot and still continues to do so. I also enjoy his company and seem to have developed a support system through him that it would suck to lose. However, I need to do the healthiest and smartest thing for myself.

Any advice would help. Please be kind! I'm already struggling.

[AllHeart]

I understand exactly what you are saying and it is a very confusing and consuming situation to be in. I am in a similar situation with my t. There is something so magically wonderful in having such a relationship with t yet there is always the underlying feeling of knowing there is also something wrong with the whole thing. Recently someone in the profession told me that if there is something wrong in it for you, there is something wrong in it for your t also. That somehow helped me to put things into perspective a little bit. I'm still waiting for that "a-ha" moment to strike me on what to do about it though. What would happen if you found a different therapist? Would you and this t be able to take on a friendship then, if that is something you want?

[Summer Daze]

I am sorry you are struggling too! It is a horrible situation to be in. What kind of mixed messages does he send you? If you are not comfortable posting this in such a public forum you can private message me if you are able to. I completely get not wanting to post publicly, as I am reluctant with specifics I post over the internet (even if the forum is anonymous).

I do not know what I want. The problem is I cannot fathom not seeing him weekly. I have grown quite accustomed to it and it has become second nature. I find myself missing him within a week's time (is that twisted?). I feel this isn't good and my first instinct is to separate myself from the situation but I am having real trouble letting go. I am also not sure if this would be considered "transference" since I have never been susceptible to it before or if it is just a genuine, human connection. After all, we are both human.

[PerpetualPain]

Can I just tell you I have this same situation!!!!

My therapist called me attractive the first few times I came to therapy. She got me gifts to show she thinks of me outside of therapy and presents for my birthday, Easter, Christmas. She texts me outside of therapy and we exchange winky face texts with added kisses. And she tells me about her personal life and how she got through her depression. She showed me photos of her holidays and even tells me about what she is planning to do in the weekend. Finally the most recent thing that has happened was when i went to therapy and was in her office she leaned forward and i noticed she was not wearing a bra.I rarely ever talk about any of my issues during my therapy sessions we seem to just chat for the full hour about anything and everything just like you would a really good friend. At first i thought it was just her trying to get to know what i am like, i later feel as though it's past that stage now because she's been doing this all year and it's gotten to the point where she does not need to get to know me any better.

This all confuses me so much. It is stressful, confusing and feels as though you will never know where the hell it's heading. When i first met my therapist it felt like we just instantly made a connection and i felt as though she was a close friend rather than a therapist.

I have no idea how to talk about this to her. I have nobody to talk to about it. I too turned to these forums for advice and i too feel very frustrated and upset. I have no idea what is going to happen. If she even intends to stay in contact with me after therapy or if she wishes to befriend me or maybe even date me.

[Summer Daze]

It is definitely a very frustrating position to be in. I too, did not know if I was over thinking things. However, to me it sounds like your T is definitely crossing boundaries and being blatant about it.

[AllHeart]

Forgot I was in the "romantic" section so let me just say the friendship with my t is strictly platonic, nothing romantic in the least. So SD, I didn't pick up that you were concerned about anything romantic -- just the friendship which is enough in and of itself. PP, I do know you are struggling with romantic feelings for your t and I can't even begin to fathom the fury that might be running through your head.

Even on a friendship level (or whatever level you both describe), this kind of entanglement with t is distressing at times. The thoughts that come about makes a person crazy. I recently opened up to my kids therapist about my friendship with my t and it gave me such huge relief just to tell someone who could fully understand what was going on. Best move I made as I feel much more calm about where things are headed and have hope to make things "right." I just spoke with this therapist again this evening and feel more laxed yet. That a-ha moment is coming, I'm sure of it! If either of you are able to consult with another non-judgmental, compassionate, experienced t, even for just a couple of sessions, you might also find some of the relief and insight you need.

Summer Daze, I will PM you.

[Summer Daze]

Thank you!

[Ididitmyway]

I can't give advice on what to do in this situation because it's a personal choice. But I will give my opinion since you've posted on this forum.

Your therapist have clearly violated professional boundaries with you. This has nothing to do with how good of a person he is. Many people do things they are not supposed to do not because they are 'bad" people but because they are not clear as to what their responsibilities are. For whatever reason, your therapist doesn't seem to understand his professional responsibilities very well which is not fair to you because it causes you suffering.

You have nothing to blame yourself for. You have 0% responsibility in this situation and your therapist is 100% responsible for what's going on. The issues that you came to address in therapy are not being addressed and you are being emotionally exploited. You may refuse to see it but it is what it is.

I understand that you may not like what I say because you clearly like this guy and are attached to him, but you've asked for a feedback and so I am giving it to you.

One advice I could give you is not to confuse the person with the behavior. The fact that your therapist might be a good person has nothing to do with the wrongfulness of his actions. Judge the actions for themselves, on their own merit and pay more attention to specific actions of someone than to their overall character.

"Good" or "bad" are vague terms and mean different things to different people. The other human being is always a mystery and we never fully know who they are. We don't even know who we are. So don't assume you know who the other person is based on pleasant or unpleasant interactions with them and don't judge the entire person as good or bad. Judge the specific actions instead. This will allow you to see the reality more accurately and will give you a better understanding of what's going on.

[CriesAndGoodbyes]

Hello everyone, I haven't posted much here yet but I just want to say, I understand feeling like your T is sending you mixed messages. Me too. It's both agonizing and amazing. I feel very confused as well because I don't know whether I'm in therapy or if I have a very expensive friend. Don't get me wrong, I've made record breaking and amazing progress in my therapy and with my issues but it comes at a cost of wondering just exactly how him and I fit. My situation is dramatically different from the standard set up, so I am not sure anyone could possibly understand my situation like I do but none the less, you guys at least have some experience with feeling similarly to me. My T feels like my best friend, who I also have a crush on, which is a confusing situation enough on it's own but when you add in that what he really is, is my therapist... it adds a whole new level of crazy. I'm in a unique situation in that my therapist is a very niche specialist and therefore I have minimal replacement options.

Him and I spend a great deal of time talking about things like movies or music and he is very open to sharing about himself. I can name many of his friends, family members, even ex girlfriends. I can tell you his favorite sports team, music artists, etc. I adore talking to him and I find us chatting about our lives or memories or future plans or regular topics or politics or music or movies or things he's done, things I've done, experiences we've had, etc. We joke around constantly and have such a unique way of relating to each other. I possibly have the only therapist in the world who is comfortable enough with a client to joke around the way that we do. He is a goofball, so when he messes something up or does something silly or funny in therapy sessions, we both joke about it, share in the moment and laugh and because of those moments, I wind up hearing about when he does the same or similar things outside of session or other goofball things he does when we're not in session.

I don't mind, honestly, I love that he will spend such long periods of time talking about regular things with me like we're friends. Maybe it's not healthy but I secretly long to be more than just a client to him, so I usually like anything that reinforces that or implies that or makes me think that. Confusing but nice. I love knowing personal things about him and feeling like I know him as a person. I should add that my therapy is fairly new, I'm at around the 4 month mark. And my transference/feelings are strange because I find myself wanting a lot from him, primarily to be the love of his life but I've found the thought of being a really close friend to be a close second and the primary focus is... I just want to be special to him. I don't want to just be a client to him.

I completely understand the original poster, Summer Daze, in wanting to be able to send texts like friends or call each other up or just go out for coffee or something but I also understand PerpetualPain because I too am in love with my therapist and it's painful to think that we will never be together. I keep trying to keep things in perspective but I find myself losing perspective all the time when he does things that make me feel like I am more than just a patient to him. I feel for those of you who had your therapists actually get you gifts or text you outside of session... that never happens with me. My therapist does not get me gifts, which would be a confusing signal and he doesn't text me outside of session really, we've messaged a couple times online but not much, just a little and usually for very important and justifiable reasons but then again, perhaps he doesn't text me or message me outside of session much is because I have daily sessions with him.

I am open to chatting with anyone more in depth about the details or other things or their situations if anyone else is interested in that with me. Feel free private message me. And I am sorry I couldn't be any help but at least we can console/commiserate.