[ramonajones]

I've found recently that unburdening some of my feelings about my T to him has relieved some of my depression--the theory behind that being that suffocating my feelings for him so long has really put me in a dark place. I have lots of hard things to tell him about my feelings for him, but the thing that I'm pretty sure that I would never ever tell him is how I seriously internet researched him and know a lot about his life. I've seen videos of him with his family on his wife's Facebook page and know his address etc etc.

When I've told him before that there are a lot of things I've been afraid to tell him or anyone else, he keeps saying that I can tell him anything and that it will be OK. I'm sure he gets that I have sexual feelings for him and thinks that that's all it is. I can't imagine he'd be "OK" with knowing that I've been ogling videos of him with his family online, right?

He keeps saying that there's nothing that I could tell him that wouldn't be OK, but that just feels like a dishonest statement to me all around. How could anyone predict that they'd react without judgment to anything their patient might do when they have absolutely no idea?

[nicoleflynn]

I don't think that is dishonest. t's have heard just about everything and it shouldn't shock them. I wouldn't tell him about the videos, etc......because it isn't any of his business. If itis online, then anyone can see it

[ramonajones]

Originally Posted by nicoleflynn

I don't think that is dishonest. t's have heard just about everything and it shouldn't shock them. I wouldn't tell him about the videos, etc......because it isn't any of his business. If itis online, then anyone can see it

Isn't it very much his business if they're online? My sense is that he doesn't know. They're on his wife's page and my sense is that she just didn't set her privacy settings correctly.

Nicole-do you think that he actually WOULD be upset by hearing about them?

[Pain94]

Ramona,

I know how hard this is. But therapists know clients google them it is common, and if their privacy isnt set right they shouldn't be mad. My Ts addresses have been out there before, the key is I don't pay attention to it or use it in a bad way. I only use what is given to me.

[ramonajones]

Originally Posted by nicoleflynn

I don't think that is dishonest. t's have heard just about everything and it shouldn't shock them. I wouldn't tell him about the videos, etc......because it isn't any of his business. If itis online, then anyone can see it

Originally Posted by Pain94

Ramona,

I know how hard this is. But therapists know clients google them it is common, and if their privacy isnt set right they shouldn't be mad. My Ts addresses have been out there before, the key is I don't pay attention to it or use it in a bad way. I only use what is given to me.

I DO pay attention to it. I've spent a lot of time ogling those videos!

[nicoleflynn]

Originally Posted by ramonajones

Isn't it very much his business if they're online? My sense is that he doesn't know. They're on his wife's page and my sense is that she just didn't set her privacy settings correctly.

Nicole-do you think that he actually WOULD be upset by hearing about them?

Well, I can't know if he WOULD be upset, but you can't second guess his wife's privacy settings, etc.........Whatever is out there is open to everyone to see.

[frackfrackfrack]

The contrasts are very interesting to me. My T has never said "I will be ok with anything you tell me", regardless of the context, when I've said something is difficult for me to say. When I told him about checking his dating profile, he did not say anything, but when I pressed him later, he did say he felt somewhat exposed. It didn't seem like he felt terrible or anything and he didn't change anything about his profile. His opinion of me may have altered, I don't know, maybe he feels I am less innocent/good of person than he thought.

I don't know....maybe Ts take some kind of hippocratic oath to not judge anyone?

[runlola72]

Many people in therapy have not had good boundaries role modeled for them (I know I haven't), and the internet is such an easy tool to use anonymously. These two things, coupled with the fact that not everyone is internet and privacy-setting savvy, means that T's are going to get googled. Like, all the time. They MUST know this. They also know that some of us struggle with obsessions and compulsions.

It absolutely (for me) is linked to feeling that comfort/love was withheld growing up. So, too, I think that love is withheld from me by T, and it is, because it's a professional relationship. But I need the security of T, like a security blanket, and so I sought him out online for pictures, online reviews, videos he liked on Youtube. For me the transference is primarily "idealized parental transference" but ET is also a factor. I found a few pics of him with his kids on his adult child's fb page, and I don't even know why I look at them. I think it is like "snatching" comfort from him, like, he won't offer me his love, so I'll just take what I can get. That's not very satisfying, feels sneaky, and deep down I know that my needs should be met in a healthier way, and that I owe myself that. And I guess that is part of what needs to be worked on...

That said, I don't know if your T means what he says. You really can't predict it. For me, I am thinking lately that I will eventually reveal my google-searching him at some point further along.

[ramonajones]

Originally Posted by runlola72

Many people in therapy have not had good boundaries role modeled for them (I know I haven't), and the internet is such an easy tool to use anonymously. These two things, coupled with the fact that not everyone is internet and privacy-setting savvy, means that T's are going to get googled. Like, all the time. They MUST know this. They also know that some of us struggle with obsessions and compulsions.

It absolutely (for me) is linked to feeling that comfort/love was withheld growing up. So, too, I think that love is withheld from me by T, and it is, because it's a professional relationship. But I need the security of T, like a security blanket, and so I sought him out online for pictures, online reviews, videos he liked on Youtube. For me the transference is primarily "idealized parental transference" but ET is also a factor. I found a few pics of him with his kids on his adult child's fb page, and I don't even know why I look at them. I think it is like "snatching" comfort from him, like, he won't offer me his love, so I'll just take what I can get. That's not very satisfying, feels sneaky, and deep down I know that my needs should be met in a healthier way, and that I owe myself that. And I guess that is part of what needs to be worked on...

That said, I don't know if your T means what he says. You really can't predict it. For me, I am thinking lately that I will eventually reveal my google-searching him at some point further along.

This was really helpful to hear. Thank you Lola. I feel really similarly on a lot of fronts.

[mostlylurking]

Glad to hear that your depression has lessened a little! Just remember this is your therapy, so if the remaining secrets are bothering you, causing you any feelings of guilt or anything, he is there to try to help you with that... even if it happens to involve him. He's gotta know that the transference is why you're trying to connect with him in whatever way you can between sessions, and so far he has been good about handling the transference it sounds like. Seems like it should be okay.

You can always tell him a lesser version of the story (mention googling but not the facebook videos, or whatever). I think T's know that oftentimes, they're getting only part of the story, or that this is only the first installment and there will be more confessions to come. If you start telling him about the online stuff then over time the whole truth may wind up coming out, but I don't think that would be a bad thing, it sounds like you've been suffering under these secrets! But if he seems to take anything badly you can always stop there and not tell him anything further.

[LonesomeTonight]

Originally Posted by mostlylurking

You can always tell him a lesser version of the story (mention googling but not the facebook videos, or whatever). I think T's know that oftentimes, they're getting only part of the story, or that this is only the first installment and there will be more confessions to come. If you start telling him about the online stuff then over time the whole truth may wind up coming out, but I don't think that would be a bad thing, it sounds like you've been suffering under these secrets! But if he seems to take anything badly you can always stop there and not tell him anything further.

This is a good idea, to just tell a little and see how he reacts. I know when I was first telling my T about my transference for MC, all I could get out at first was, through tears, "Sometimes I wish he could just hold me." Then a couple sessions later, I said I wanted to talk about it more, and T was like, "I had a feeling you would."

Maybe you could even start smaller, just saying you had the urge to Google him (assuming you haven't already shared that desire).

[ramonajones]

Originally Posted by mostlylurking

Glad to hear that your depression has lessened a little! Just remember this is your therapy, so if the remaining secrets are bothering you, causing you any feelings of guilt or anything, he is there to try to help you with that... even if it happens to involve him. He's gotta know that the transference is why you're trying to connect with him in whatever way you can between sessions, and so far he has been good about handling the transference it sounds like. Seems like it should be okay.

You can always tell him a lesser version of the story (mention googling but not the facebook videos, or whatever). I think T's know that oftentimes, they're getting only part of the story, or that this is only the first installment and there will be more confessions to come. If you start telling him about the online stuff then over time the whole truth may wind up coming out, but I don't think that would be a bad thing, it sounds like you've been suffering under these secrets! But if he seems to take anything badly you can always stop there and not tell him anything further.

With all of the stuff that I need to tell him about I've told myself that the Facebook stuff and the Googling is officially off limits for me to tell him. I just don't think I ever could. I'm SUPER embarrassed about it.

I'm hoping I CAN actually tell him more about my feelings for him though.

[ramonajones]

It didn't go so great today. I got all tangled and twisted up and froze and couldn't talk and then we got sidetracked on something insignificant and I felt like I wasted a precious session on nothing.